long days short years

here and then gone

2012-01-12T13:45:00.000-07:00

I'm struck again by the fragility of life. My husband's cousin was in a work related accident this week and passed away. He fell and landed on concrete and never regained consciousness. The doctors removed two parts of his brain trying to reduce the brain swelling and save his life.

He was only 33. He had a wife and three young children. He had so much ahead of him. And now he has left so much behind. He went to work on Monday, just like every other day, and never came home. Here one day, gone the next.

I'm holding my children a little tighter today. I'm hugging my husband a little longer and lingering a little longer with our kisses. You never know when your last breath will be. You never know when your last chance to say I love you will be. It could be in 100 years. It could be today.

Our hearts are broken. Rest in peace, you were very loved.

homesick

2012-01-08T21:09:00.000-07:00

Do you know what makes me sad? Watching an amazing Broncos Playoff game, in which we win in OT with a record breaking pass from Tebow to Thomas, and then seeing the news ticker at the bottom of the tv screen. While we were yelling and screaming and cheering for our beloved Broncos, a little girl is crying. The headline read "officer accused of molesting a 13 yr old girl".

I hate watching the news. I hate being forced to face the depravity of this world. I hate that I can't fix it. I hate that people have to hurt. And I long for the day when all wrongs will be righted and tears will be wiped away to be no more. Tonight I long for my real home, tonight I long for the day when we will worship at His throne, tonight I long for the healing of our broken world and the joy of our future world.

eating humble pie

2012-01-06T12:27:00.000-07:00

I'm not a morning person. Ok, that is the biggest understatement of the century! I'm a get 2 cups of coffee in my system before I can carry on a conversation type of morning person. This morning however, though I didn't bound out of bed ready to tackle my day, I did wake up when my alarm clock went off and made some coffee and had some time in the Word. It was a beautiful and quiet time in my house with me, God, my Bible and a good cup of coffee.

I recently heard a speaker talking about how sometimes as moms we sometimes have a hard time getting the deep study of the Bible that we had before junior was tugging on our arms all day and night. Sometimes it gets discouraging. One of her suggestions was to pick one scripture a day to just really meditate on. It may not seem like much but in a year's time you will have meditated (chewed on, thought about) 365 scriptures. I'm wanting to spend more time in the Word this year. I actually couldn't tear my eyes away this morning and just kept reading and reveling in God's amazing mercy to Israel in Isaiah. I picked a part in Isaiah 41 to be what I was going to feed my soul throughout the day.

As almost nearly always happens when you get up early to spend time in the Word to start your day (or at least happens with me), my morning fell apart and my patience was tested! I woke my boys to get ready for school and they started in pretty good moods. Then all of a sudden they were picking on each other. My middle child was missing his belt, a dress code requirement at our school. In the midst of searching high and low for a belt, I found my voice with my kids getting sharper and sharper. I was so annoyed at the lack of listening, the fighting and the disrespect both to me and to each other.

I went downstairs in the laundry room hoping to find the belt that I swear I recently saw that came in a bag of hand me downs from a friend. I angrily threw laundry across the room muttering swear words under my breath. My kids were going to be late for school all for a stupid belt. I felt convicted and asked the Lord to give me patience and to help me to use self control with my own attitude. I did better for a few minutes but then was right back to muttering under my breath and being snarky with my kids. Finally we find the belt but by this time, mamma was OVER IT!

I hollered at the kids to hurry up and get to the car. I yelled at them when they didn't get in right away. I landed on the oldest when for no reason at all he elbowed his little brother while they were getting in the car. I yelled again when the fighting was keeping them from buckling up. I yelled that they were yelling at each other and not speaking to each other with kindness. Then I heard myself. Here I was yelling at my kids telling them to stop yelling at each other. Here I was unkindly telling them to talk to each other with kindness. The irony was not lost on me.

A different verse filled my heart. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Prov 15:1 I was guilty of stirring up anger. I was just as much, if not more, to blame for the tense way the morning had gone. I told my kids that we had had a pretty rough start to the morning and I'd like a redo. Rather than starting our morning fighting, let's start over and start it right, with prayer. We prayed in the car. I confessed my sins of not practicing living in the fruits of the Spirit and asked the Lord to forgive me for using harsh words. I thanked God for His faithfulness to forgive us when we confess.

And when we were done praying, I took another serving of humble pie. I turned to my kids (we were at a stop light) and asked them to forgive me. I told them how sorry I was that I had not talked to them with the kindness and grace that I was asking them to show each other. I apologized for expecting something of them that I wasn't living myself.

The good news about eating humble pie? Though it definitely took me down a few notches in my pride, I started the morning with the forgiveness of the Lord and then the forgiveness of my children. The rest of the ride to school was filled with joy and laughter. I couldn't help but laugh when I got home and read my friend's Facebook status, "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. Col 3:21"

Lord, thank you for reminding me that my children are watching me. Thank you for convicting me and giving me grace when I blow it. Help me to not embitter or discourage my children.

more antics from my boys

2011-11-29T08:41:00.000-07:00

My children's school does a behavioral color chart.
Green = good behavior, everyone starts every single day on green
Yellow = a warning, redirect your behavior
Blue= more serious warning, note goes home to mom and dad
Red= really naughty!
There is also silver, for when you have gone above and beyond expectations and have spectacular behavior. Green is the norm though.

On Wed before Thanksgiving break Ev came home from school on blue. His teacher had sent me an email earlier in the day so I was prepared in advance and knew the story. I was a little curious because one part of the story just didn't sound like him. Short version was unsafe behavior during a fire drill and being disrespectful to an adult. So when he came home first my hubby talked to him about it. After I got home from work I asked him about it.

We talked it through and I asked him what he had learned from this. His answer? "I learned that when Kiewan is in front of you during a fire drill, don't follow what he does!" Honest to God he said that! I hugged him and walked away before he saw me laugh. I had been hoping to hear something like walk during a fire drill, listen to the teachers when they talk, you know something like that. But, no, my kid learned the value of not following the person in front of you when they make poor choices. Well, I guess that is a pretty good lesson too!

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Yesterday the boys got in the car and I asked them how their day was. W said great, Ev said "I've not had very good days these last 2 days of school. I was on yellow today." I asked him why. He rambled his story, kinda talking in circles and leaving me with a lot of questions. Finally he said the key words.
"Well, I didn't think Evelia would tell on me but I guess I was wrong on that one."

Aha! The words that informed me that my son had done something wrong, not made a mistake. I read the note from the teacher in his planner and asked him, "So you were destroying materials?"
"Well, it was only 1 crayon. Ok well maybe it was more."
Add mystery solver to the list of mom job description :)

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Last night W stayed up later than he should have. I went downstairs to switch out laundry and saw his light on and heard him playing. I went in and got him to bed. It was nearly 2 hrs past bedtime. This morning my child, who is much like his mamma as far as how he feels about waking up in the morning, woke up with tired blood shot eyes.

He came upstairs and says, "Oh, Mom, the kitchen smells so good. What are you making?" I tell him the kitchen smells good because I'm drinking my coffee. Without missing a beat he says, "Can I have some? I really need it this morning, I'm really tired." How many 9 year olds ask for coffee every morning? He doesn't get it every morning, only on special occasions and sleepovers with Grandma. Or I give him decaf occasionally. I just got a kick out of his little blood shot eyes insisting that he needed the coffee this morning.

exasperated and convicted

2011-11-27T12:42:00.000-07:00

Today, I must admit, has not been the easiest day for me to remember that I do it all for the glory of God. I was awakened this morning to the sound of my children fighting. Not just awakened but awakened from a wonderful dream that was nearing conclusion and once awake I couldn't remember what I had been dreaming. So I woke up annoyed. Annoyed with the fighting. Annoyed that I couldn't have enjoyed just a few more minutes of a lovely dream.

My attitude wasn't really improving. I just bought new coffee. Yesterday morning I realized that I had accidentally bought decaf instead of regular. I took it back and exchanged it. I made this new coffee this morning only to realize it was HORRIBLE. I took 3 drinks and finally poured out the pot and scrounged around to find the last touch of my emergency stash in the cupboard. Wasting coffee gets under my skin. So I was still annoyed.

After breakfast my boys started rough housing. I told them to stop. They didn't. I informed them that I was going to not hear any complaints if someone got hurt because they choose to keep rough housing. They did fine for a while. But after a bit the youngest kept getting hurt and I put the kabash on wrestling for the morning.

I decided I was going to take a shower. I had no sooner closed the door than I heard arguing and screaming again. I flew out of the bathroom, removed my exercise ball (the reason for the feud), and yelled at my kids. I tried again. I got into the bathroom and as I'm prepping for the shower, my middle child just barges right in, no knocking, because he needed to go potty. I finally exploded! I got him out, got decent and then completely lost my temper with my kids. It wasn't pretty.

I finally got my bathroom lock to work and got into my shower. I was still fuming in my shower. And that seems to be when God likes to talk to me. Maybe it is because I can't go anywhere and I because of that, I tend to stay more focused. Whatever the reason, I suddenly had scripture running through my mind. Ephesians 6:4 "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."

I chuckled. God, would it have been too much trouble to add "children don't exasperate your parents"? I mean really, I was very exasperated with my children today! But He doesn't. He commands children to obey and parents to teach, discipline and not exasperate. I was seriously not training and instructing my kids in the way of the Lord today. I was training them, training them to think that yelling is an acceptable form of communications. I was teaching them that I am above the rules, that I think it is ok if I break the no yelling rule. I was instructing them that I what I was frustrated about was more important than teaching them how to handle conflict.

But wouldn't have been nice if He would have added the children don't exasperate part too? Then as parents we would have another thing to throw back at our kids :-). Don't make me angry, God said so. Another way to not take responsibility for our own actions. Fellow church kids, how often did you hear the "children obey your parents" line when your parents didn't know what else to say? It always felt like to me is was a way to force me and my brother to obey. Well, you know, God said you have to obey. It doesn't matter if we are totally in left field, you have to obey us. And God's the boss, so nanny nanny boo boo you have to listen.

I want to be the parent who my children obey me in the Lord. I want to be the parent who instructs and trains my children in the way of the Lord. I don't want obedience for obedience sake. I want obedience for honor's sake. I want to live a life that calls for respect and honor. I want my kids to know God, not just to know rules. I want to be the parent who doesn't exasperate my children.

Needless to say, I got out of the shower feeling convicted. I came out and apologized to my kids that I had broken the no yelling rule and spent my morning yelling at them. I'm just as human as the next guy, sometimes I lose my temper. Sometimes I don't glorify God with the way I treat others, specifically my family. And when that happens, I will be returning to the throne of my Father asking him to forgive me and to give me grace to live a life worthy of the calling.

prayer, game 6 and World Series Champs

2011-10-28T22:59:00.000-06:00

I'm a big Cardinals fan. Tonight they are the 2011 World Series Champions. Yesterday was a pins and needles game 6. Watching the game I found myself occasionally doing what my husband and I make fun of when we see it on a televised game. I clasped my hands and said, "Oh, God, PLEEEEEEEASE!"

It only took once for me to laugh at myself as well. Ultimately, though it makes me happy, who wins a World Series game doesn't affect eternity. So every time I clasped my hands last night, I decided to pray for things that DO matter to God. I'm hoping baseball players felt blessed last night because it seems like I found myself praying quite a bit!

I prayed for God to be glorified through the lives of the players. I prayed for their marriages to be strengthened and filled with love and harmony. I prayed that God would draw each of them unto Himself. I prayed that their hearts would be sensitive to the things of the Spirit. I prayed that they would have strength to avoid the sexual temptations that are nearly unavoidable, especially when playing on the road for long stretches. I prayed that they would look to God to be their strength. I prayed for the ones who are parents to have wisdom in parenting their children. I prayed for the ones who are single to find love and joy in the arms of God's best (not someone who wants money or fame).

I think you get it. Every time I had the urge to pray for my team to win, something that won't affect eternity, I instead prayed for the players and things that do affect eternity. I found my hands clasped and praying a lot last night. And to be 100% truthful, sometimes I was annoyed to not pray for a win!

Tonight I am thrilled to know my team is the World Champs. I don't think for a second that they won because of prayer. If they had then why didn't the Rangers win? Was no one in Texas praying for a World Series title? The game was fun. The series was phenomenal. I join plenty of people in celebrating the Cardinal's 11th championship.

But when the day was over, baseball doesn't affect eternity, but people do!

conversations with kids

2011-04-22T23:31:00.001-06:00

My kids have been sooooooo dang cute over the last weeks. I'm afraid I'm going to forget and probably already have forgotten some, so I have to document! :)

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Hubby to our boys tonight: " I have wonderful memories of each of your births. God has really blessed us!"
E: Did dey sound like this....... buuuuuuurp? (giggle giggle)
Or was it like buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp?
Or was it a buuurp sound? (more giggling from brothers now)

"E, knock off the burping!"

But Daddy, I am just wondering what type of sounds we made!

mental light bulbs going off......

"E did you think I said memories of your burps?"

head nods, wide eyed

pause for much hysterical laughter from mom and dad

"Buddy, I said birth not burp!"
"Oh." (possibly a bit disappointed that we were not talking about burping)

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This morning on the way to school, W tells me that today is three holidays all in one. When I asked him what he meant, he very proudly told me, "Well, it is Good Friday, Earth Day and free coffee at Starbucks day!". Uhhhhh, maybe mommy drinks a bit too much coffee ;-) But at least he got the order of importance right!

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Last week Hubby got the distinct privilege of finally being home when the boys asked embarrassing questions. Well, I should say when E asked because W wants to know NOTHING about the birds and bees and hates when E brings up questions. Well, E did indeed bring up questions. Now keep in mind that Hubby has been at work for ALL of the other difficult questions. I explained testicles (what are these ball thingys in my pee pee part), I explained (as Seinfeld so tactfully calls it) "shrinkage" (MOMMY! I can't find my testicles!), birth canal (where does the baby come out when it's time?), vagina (babies come out of a woman's pee pee part! I don't ever want to have a wife push a baby out because I don't want the baby to smell like pee!).

So FINALLY Hubby was here when E started asking questions about the birth canal and babies. Hubby smiled and said, "Guess what, Boys? We are going to have the talk." Per W's vote, I left the room and went downstairs. After a bit, I came upstairs. I came up quietly in case they weren't done yet. As I sat in the kitchen waiting for them to finish, I heard the funniest conversation ever.

Having both grown up in Christian homes, schools and youth group, Hubby and I both heard often the "sex is bad" conversation. The problem was that when we experienced it, we didn't know what everyone was talking about, because sex was actually good. Neither of us realized until we met and married that God gave us boundaries of marriage for a good and healthy reason. We don't want our kids growing up thinking sex is bad or dirty so we make sure that we emphasize the God given boundaries of it. Hubby was explaining that sex is not a bad word. He was telling the boys that sex, in the God given context of marriage, is wonderful. When it is done outside of God's plan, that is when it is not right.

I also heard him give some cultural advise. He was telling them that America, as a nation, has made sex seem like it is a bad thing. *His point was that in America the view point of sex is usually very "prude like" that even in marriage it still seems like a dirty thing or to the other extreme that all sex is like a big porno. Of course he didn't actually say those words, he "kidified" them but that was his point.*

Then I hear, "Ok, so is sex a bad thing?"
"No."

"Did God give us sex as a way for married people to show love to each other?"

"Yeah."

"So when is sex not ok?"

W: "Um, when you live in America?"

I could hear the stun in Hubby's voice. I had to cover my mouth so the boys wouldn't hear me laughing and know I had overheard them. Hubby pulled it back together nicely, while I was nearly crying in the kitchen from laughter, and informed W that it is not living in America that makes sex not ok, it is having sex with someone you are not married to. I don't know how he managed that one with a straight face. I still laugh when I think about it!

March was.....

2011-04-02T00:04:00.001-06:00

my own personal holiday. I dubbed March as Husband Appreciation Month in my house. I started the month out by verbally telling my husband daily things that I love and appreciate about him. I then decided that it was nice for him to hear it from me but even nicer if everyone else knew that he is amazing and that I love and appreciate my hubster so I started posting as my facebook status daily some of the things I love about him.

I did this to encourage my husband but I have gotten so much out of it as well. Sometimes I was frustrated with him and I didn't really want to appreciate him, especially not publicly. I made a commitment to myself to do it though so I wanted to follow through. What I noticed is that as I publicly edified my husband, I felt a heart shift in me. When I was frustrated with him I would specifically start thinking of why I love him. The frustration would start to melt away and I would begin to fall in love with him all over again.

I have spent the entire month falling in love daily with the love of my life. I thought I was doing this for him but it turns out, I was the one benefiting. We connected on an even deeper level emotionally, spiritually and physically. He, already an amazing and kind husband, stepped up and took even more pride and delight in taking care of me.

Here is the list of my fb status updates from the day I started publicly appreciating my husband......

wanna know why I love Hubby? On his day off, he gets up and helps get the kids ready and takes them to school. ♥

wanna know why I love Hubby? He has been doing laundry and dishes for me! Now is that an amazing man or what?!?!?

do you wanna know something that I love about Hubby? He has a heart as big as all outdoors. Tonight he took us out to Toys R Us to buy a get well gift for E's best friend who just broke her jaw, had surgery and has her jaw wired shut for the next 3 weeks. He is so kind

wanna know what makes my husband the best? Tonight he knew the kids were putting me through the ringer for bedtime and he offered to share his pack of Reese's PB cups with me. Chocolate and pb make the world seem better, especially when given by someone you love! :)

wanna know why I love Hubby? He still makes me blush after 12 yrs of marriage :)

wanna know what I love about Hubby? We laugh together. Tonight we laughed till my sides hurt and I was nearly in tears over a stupid tv show, but we laughed together and that makes all the difference in the world.

wanna know why I love Hubby? Today I came home from running errands and doctor appts to see him hand scrubbing my kitchen floor square by square! He blesses me in so many ways!

do you wanna know why I love Hubby? Because nearly 16 years together and I still feel like a school girl when we go out on dates!

I love my wonderful husband because he listens when I vent, holds me when I cry and doesn't tolerate our kids being disrespectful to me.

I ♥ Hubby because he gave up his entire day off to drive nearly an hour to see our son preform in Odyssey of the Mind for 10 minutes and then had to drive nearly an hour back to Denver so he could work tonight. He is an AMAZING daddy and our sons are so blessed to have him on their side!

I ♥ Ethan because he is an absolutely AMAZING lover.

I love Hubby because he let me vent for an hour and a half so I could be crazy insane and over process every little detail of my day. I think I must have talked in circles and repeated myself about 1000 times just in trying to figure myself out. He loves me in spite of myself!

I love Hubby because he comforts me when I'm sad.

I love my husband because he is protective of me.

I love Hubby because he kindly gave up his long planned after work movie and offered to take a guy from work home when this guys ride forgot him at work. Hubby gave of himself when he really didn't have to. Love that you are so kind, Honey!

do you wanna know why I love Hubby? He always kisses me goodnight, he always kisses me goodbye, he ends our conversations with "I love you" and he tells me I'm beautiful every day!

I ♥ my sweetie, because he picked up my medicine for me on the way home from work and is now about to put these numbing ear drops in my painful infected ear! I'm so glad I have someone to take care of me when I'm sick!

I ♥ Hubby because he is a hero to our sons. They think he is the greatest thing ever (and of course they are right!). I love that he takes the time to invest in their lives.

I love Hubby because he challenges me to pursue my dreams, even when it scares me to death!

I ♥ Hubby bc of this conversation I had with W at Costco. After sampling dark choc covered pomegranates & falling in love, I asked the boys, "What would Daddy say if he were here? Would he say,' it's yummy chocolate and will make Mommy a happy girl' or would he say,' wow that bag is $10 we can live without it.'?" W: "Oh, Mom, he would totally say to get the chocolate and make you happy!" ( I laughed and told him he was a wise man and his Daddy had taught him well :) I love that even when Hubby is not with us, he has taught our boys to take care of me, even in small things like a chocolate splurge!)

I ♥ Hubby because tonight he came upstairs and told me that I was off duty and was to go out and enjoy some time to myself while he put the kids to bed. What an awesome guy!

I love Hubby because today he refilled the propane tank and grilled. Mamma didn't have to cook!!!!!!!!!!!! That was also my favorite part of the day :)

I love Hubby bc he missed part of the Nuggets game tonight in order to address the boys disrespectful attitudes.

I love Hubby bc he is a grown up little kid and he and our boys have been having a blast playing the new Lego Star Wars game on the Wii.

I love Hubby bc this morning while I was getting ready for church, he went and bought me Starbucks! :)

I ♥ Hubby bc last year when we remodeled the bathroom, the boys asked if we could make it a Star Wars bathroom. Hubby told them that since boys pretty much just go in the bathroom to do their mandatory business and that girls actually like to spend time in there (bubble baths, candles, good books, make-up, mirrors, etc...) that I could decorate it however I wanted. It's purple :) How many men live with a totally girly "lavender glow" bathroom and not because they were coerced or informed that was "just how it was going to be bc I want it purple" ? I mean, really, this guy is great!

I ♥ Hubby because today he kept sickie E home with him so that the other 2 kids and I could still meet my friends and their kids at the zoo for a lovely day. E got sick again and Hubby washed barfy clothes and gave him a bubble bath. Such a great daddy!

I ♥ Hubby bc since I have been taking care of sickies and have been exhausted, he let me sleep until I woke up today. That was nearly 11am! Thanks Babe!

I ♥ you Hubby because for a month I have been posting things I appreciate about you and you have given me so much to work with that I have never had to duplicate :).

It was so rewarding for each of us individually and as a couple, that I think EVERY March needs to be husband appreciation month! It was an amazing month. I want to start a revolution {maybe even a Hallmark holiday ;-) }

Your husband isn't perfect, neither is mine, but when we take the time to concentrate on what we do like instead of what we don't, suddenly they seem so much more perfect than before! Is your marriage tired? Don't wait for your spouse to make the first move, you take action! Remember why you fell in love in the first place. Remember what it was like the day he asked you to marry him (or guys the day she said she would be your wife). Why did you agree (or ask) to get married to that special someone? What made them stand out above anyone else in the world and made you say you wanted to spend the rest of your life loving them? Do you remember? If not, start falling in love with them all over again. Find reasons to love and appreciate them. Your spouse, your kids, your marriage and YOU will thank you!

So on that note, tell me, what has your significant other done RIGHT lately??????

clinging to hope

2011-03-30T00:32:00.001-06:00

In the midst a rough week of lost friendships, an ear infection, kids cycling through a stomach virus, a friend who's life was just affected by the suicide of someone she loves, and some other troubling things I realize that I must cling to hope and life right now to not be swallowed up by the hurt around me. So tonight, though my heart is heavy, I cling to hope. I am grateful tonight for
~a savior who became sin for me that I could become the righteousness of God
~my husband who holds me when I cry
~my support network in my family, my friends, my church, MOPS and a great medical team
~the ability to cry, it simply shows that I can still feel and that I love. One who has no love has no reasons to cry.
~knowing there is a place where all tears will someday be wiped away
~knowing that God actually counts my tears, somehow that makes them seem to hurt less
~being able to get back up when we fall down (or apart!)
~that as Anne of Green Gables says, "Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet."
~spring break and the ability to sleep in (when did 7:30 become sleeping in??????)
~God never changes and He never sleeps and He never steps off His throne and He is always in control and always good
~hmmm, I think that is worth repeating. God is good, even when life isn't.
~I have hope in the midst of hurt

boy mom

2011-03-13T00:54:00.001-07:00

In case anyone needs further proof that I am a boy mom, I overheard this conversation in my car a few days ago. Warning, it is sooooooo gross!

"E, I'm going to bite your butt!"
"That's ok, because I haven't wiped my butt in a really long time, so you will be eating my poop!"

Oh my gosh! SERIOUSLY???????????? Where on earth do boys learn this stuff? And why is grossing out your mom so very funny?

things that make me smile

2011-03-04T01:08:00.001-07:00

~ the way my husband looks at me with that goofy adoring smile even after 12 years of marriage
~ when my boys give me hugs and kisses
~how quickly my 3 yr old gets over being mad at me after a time out
~good friends who love me in spite of myself
~my beautiful tattoo
~Tagalong cookies and vanilla lattes
~comments on either of my blogs
~a beer on Thursday evenings with some great people
~writing
~ the smell of crisp stationary
~when my boys wear their daddy's cologne
~when hubby wears his cologne :)
~reading the Bible with my family
~purple roses from my 3 year old
~that my 8 year old still calls me "mamma"
~that my boys love to buy me flowers and ask every time we go to the store if they can buy me more flowers
~anything that involves peanut butter and chocolate
~great books (like The Traveler's Gift by Andy Andrews, one of the best books I have EVER read!)

a day in the life of a snowed in mom

2011-02-01T22:01:00.001-07:00

My kids were off school for a "freeze day", similar to a snow day but off school because of the subzero temps and windchill we had. For some reason, even though we told them yesterday that school was canceled today, they felt the need to wake up earlier than they would have had it been a school day. It always works that way. I am not a morning person. As a matter of fact, I DESPISE mornings. Obviously, since I did not HAVE to get out of bed early, I choose a few extra minutes (or an extra hour and a half, but hey, who's counting!) of sleep. The kids watched tv, I slept, we all won. Around 8 I finally came to coherency and around 8:30 I was finally out from under my covers.

By 9 we had two more kids at our house and I was making breakfast for my kids. With breakfast finally over, I started loading the dishwasher while the kids played. I got chili started in the crockpot for dinner and I also somehow also managed to make myself a morning latte with my new espresso machine that was just given to me. I finally cleared enough of the table to call my oldest in to do homework at the kitchen table. I continued to work on kitchen projects for the hour and twenty minutes that it took him to whine through his homework. Well, the good news is that all of my counters got scrubbed and all my dishes done!

With the hum of the dishwasher and the whining about homework in one ear and the pleas for lunch echoing in the other ear, I began lunch for my house of 5 kids. Mac and cheese, oranges, and gold fish for 2 eight year olds, 1 five year old, and 2 three year olds, check. Vanilla steamers and Chai Tea, per request for lunch drinks, check. Realizing it is almost 1pm by the time everyone is done eating, big sigh. I ushered the kids out of the kitchen to play, unloaded the dishwasher, and began the lunch clean up process.

With the dishwasher nearly full after only one meal, I decided it was time to bake that bread that I had been wanting to make all day. With my hair pulled back and my new cute apron over my pajamas, I threw myself full throttle into the joy of flour and yeast. Finally the smell of fresh baking bread is wafting through my house and the sound of children's laughter is floating to me from the next room over.

I cleaned up my bread mess and started the dishwasher a second time. Hubby called to say he was on his way home from work, so I started heating up the left over mac and cheese for his lunch. I stirred my chili, pulled my loaves of bread out of the oven and wiped off the counter just moments before hubby walked in. I landed on the kids to start cleaning up the messes they had made and enjoyed a few minutes of conversation with the Hubster. I had told the kids snack time would be at 2:30 and they graciously reminded me at 4 that they still hadn't had a snack.

I fixed snacks and drinks for everyone. While they were eating I was putting away the hand washed dishes from earlier. Once they were done I headed out to the living room and started folding the basket of clean laundry that has been sitting on my floor for two days. I continued to direct the living room pickup and fold laundry until my friend arrived to pick up her kids. I'm not sure how it had already gotten to be after 5pm!

Once they left, I woke Hubby up from his nap for dinner. I got the boys started on their chores of cleaning the bathroom, wiping down the dinner table and chairs and helping unload the dishwasher (again!). I dished up dinner for the kids so it could start cooling and then woke up Hubby again. By this time, I had poured a glass of wine as well! We ate dinner together. I packed the Hubster's lunch and cleaned up the dinner dishes. I sent my oldest to read to my youngest, retrieved my middle child's sheets and comforter from the dryer, said prayers with everyone, and took my youngest to bed.

Upon getting him to bed, my oldest asks for a shower so I send him into shower while I put the aforesaid sheets on the bed. I got my middle one down for bed, got my oldest out of the shower and my husbands work laundry started. Oldest child then went to bed as did Hubby. I had to go outside to start our cars because we do not have a garage and we do have older cars that might not want to start in subzero temps. I sat in the car while it warmed up and I read my homework for a class I am taking. I turned off both cars, came in to hang up my coat and saw that my oldest was in the bathroom and, of course, he was pooping. I finally got him ushered back to bed as well and came downstairs to switch the laundry to the dryer.

I am finally sitting down to enjoy my computer for a few minutes. Somehow my day is completely gone and the basket of laundry in the living room is only a quarter folded, my living room is messy and I have a couple of dishes in my sink that I was just too tired (or lazy) to put in the dishwasher yet. Now that you know all of that, don't judge my house if you come over tomorrow. Somehow it is messy all over again!

This is the day of a snowed in, stay at home mamma. And guess what? They have canceled school for tomorrow as well! Oh my...........

goals

2011-01-03T23:09:00.001-07:00

I have for many years refused to make New Year's resolutions. I have never kept a resolution in my life and then I spend months (and in some cases years) beating myself up for failing. A few years back though I decided to have goals for my year. It sounds less intimidating than to resolve to do something, anyway. So some of my goals for 2011........

~keep up with my "Attitude of Gratitude" journal that I started and try to remember to write in it daily. During November everyone was talking about what they were thankful for. I realized then that I have so much to be thankful for that 30 days was just not enough to keep track of it. The Bible says to give thanks in everything so I started a new journal specifically for remembering to be thankful for the many blessings I have been given. Today I am grateful that for the first time in weeks, all 3 kids were in bed before 8pm and no one came out of the bedroom at all tonight! It doesn't have to be extravagant for me to thank God for it!

~parent intentionally. Sounds basic but I find that too often I parent based on what is going on at the moment rather than planning ahead and parenting with purpose.

~learn more about the Holy Spirit and His role in our daily Christian lives.

~try to put into place the boundaries that I know I need to place and enforce but have struggled with actually doing for years.

~read more. More of the Word, more to learn, and even more to just relax and enjoy. I miss reading, it really does bring me great joy!

~learn to cook more than my few meals I always make. I have the tools, new pressure cooker, new family skillet, crockpot and a freezer full of meat. Now to make a new meal.......

~make daily time for the love of my life that he knows he is still my best friend and my lover. There is more to marriage than rearing children together and I love the times we have to just talk. We are pretty good at communicating but I'm also pretty good at letting the kids interrupt. I am trying to start a "if there isn't blood or danger it can wait 5 minutes" policy to daily let my love know he is the center of my world for at least 10 min.

~and though I know there are probably more, I will say the most important and call it good for now. I want to grow closer to God that my life will reflect Him. I want to glorify Him and to allow Him to continue His work of purifying me and making me holy. I want to trust Him when I can't see/hear Him. I want others to see His redemption in my life.

true healing

2010-12-30T22:15:00.001-07:00

I had an epiphany a couple of months ago, and I'm just now getting around to blogging about it. One day I was praying, thanking God that He is faithful and just to forgive us when we confess our sins. I was overwhelmed with gratitude that "God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) Tears welled up as I thanked God for loving me, a depraved and foul sinner. I know that someone is probably reading this thinking, "Dawn is a good person, what could she have done to consider herself a depraved and foul sinner?" But the truth of the matter is that we are all depraved and foul sinners. We are the reason that Jesus suffered unfathomable disgrace and pain, not because we are great people, but rather because each and every one of us has a sinful heart. My sins, my idolatry, my pride, my gossip, my lies, my wicked heart nailed the Savior of the world to a cross. He came not for the righteous but for the unrighteous that we could be reconciled with a holy God.

As I was in awe of the grace that God has showered on me, I remembered a verse that has been widely misused. "And with His stripes, we are healed." As a little girl, I heard that verse often. Every single time anyone was ill that verse was prayed over them. I became hesitant to pray that verse because I noticed that sometimes people were healed but not everyone was healed. I knew God didn't play favorites but I couldn't figure out why everyone was told that they were healed by His stripes but not everyone received healing. My epiphany came when I realized exactly what that verse means. Because of the punishment of Christ, I am healed from my evil and sinful ways. Because He was disgraced in my place, my heart can be whole and I can stand before a holy God. His stripes took away my sin, His stripes heal my spirit, His pain heals my brokenness. For the first time in my life, I actually got it.

And here is that verse in context, ^"Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all." (Isaiah 53:4-6 KJV) He bore our griefs and sorrows. He was wounded for our sins. The punishment for our evilness, He took upon Himself. That is true healing! That is the healing my heart rejoices in!

It has been an unbelievably rough year for me this year. And to the dismay of some, I hold fast to my belief that God is much more concerned with our eternal salvation than our temporal comfort. He may not choose to heal me from every physical ailment that plagues me. But He did choose to heal me from a much worse ailment, a heart of darkness. He choose to take my punishment. This life here on earth is simply practice for the one to come. He cares more about preparing us for heaven and making us holy than about making us comfortable. Does Jesus physically heal? ABSOLUTELY! But our physical healing pales in comparison to our spiritual healing. Sometimes His plan and His will declare that physical pain is avoidable; sometimes though, His plan and will declare that we need to trust Him even when He says "No" or "Not now."

From the mouths of babes......

2010-12-21T00:25:00.001-07:00

Two awesome conversations with my kiddos tonight that are well worth documenting! The first was while cuddling with my 3 year old at bedtime. I smiled and said, "I sure am glad God gave me a JJ!" He touched my face and said, "And I am sure glad Santa gave me a Mommy!" I smiled. Then completely out of the blue he said, "Remember when we were just a drawing on a paper that God drew before we were alive?" I was so moved by his assessment. You know, back when we were just thoughts in God's head....... I was amazed that he came up with that on his own and yet I loved it! Even the Psalmist said, "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Ps 139:16). I absolutely love that my young son both knows and expresses that long before we thought of having him, God knew who he was and had drawn him on a piece of paper just waiting to give him to us and make him alive!

So, the other is so characteristic of my oldest that those of you who know him will be smiling and nodding. Let me start by giving a background story. The library that we go to is not the one across the street from our house. I don't like the libraries in our district, particularly the one across the street. They are never friendly and the children's library is small and the librarians are rude to my kids. So we drive a short way on the highway to go to the one about 15 min away. We love that library. I have always loved it. I actually volunteered there when it was a brand new library and I completely enjoyed my time working there. Well, recently we received an email stating that because of our mailing address, certain restrictions will be put in place beginning Jan 3. The new rules, only 3 books out at a time, no renewing, no inter-library loans, no use of prospector, and only 2 hold items at a time. Well, those rules mean we cannot even get one book for every person in our family at one time! Not a fan! So I have informed my kids we will be switching libraries at the first of the year to the one that is quite a bit further but friendly and will let us actually USE it's resources.

Now the story....... Tonight while picking up, W looks through some of his books and tells me that he doesn't read some of them anymore and he wants to give them to the Goodwill. I agree that it would be a great idea. Then he says, "I have an even better idea, how about I donate them to a library? But it would have to be a library that doesn't have limits on what we can check out!" I smiled. Then he said, "I think I am going to protest libraries that have those new rules and don't like us just because of where we live. That's not right. Do you think I could go protest there?"
Me: "Uh, not right now! It's late!"
W: "Hmmmm, well, I think I'd like to organize a protest. I'm going to start organizing it in the morning. It's just not right to not allow people the same privileges as other people just because you don't like where they live!"

I had to laugh! Can you tell that he just finished learning his Civil Rights Movement unit in school? In his sweet mind, the library not liking where we live and restricting our usage of its services is clearly a civil rights issue and must be dealt with just like Martin Luther King Jr starting a protest/boycott of the public bus system. What do you think the library would do if a bunch of 2nd graders marched their doors demanding equal rights? LOL, love my boy and the way his mind works!

lest we forget

2010-12-07T20:50:00.001-07:00

Do you remember where you were on September 11,2001? Silly question, right? I mean, truly, how could you ever forget the moment you heard or saw that airplanes ran into the Twin Towers? I know exactly where I was and who I heard the news from. I was driving to work and heard the radio dj's talking about the first plane and then gasping in horror as the second plane hit. They were so shaken by watching it that it was a couple of minutes (or maybe only a few seconds that felt like eternity) before those of us listening knew why they were gasping and what they were seeing. I immediately called my husband to turn on the news. I walked into work in a daze, grateful to be alone at work at that time of the morning. I turned on the news on the front tv and cried. I watched the towers when they fell. I, like every other American, was grieved by the loss. I remember thinking how quiet the world sounded for those few days when airline travel was grounded. I remember how loud the first airplane I heard after those few days sounded. Do you remember it? My kids don't. My kids weren't born yet. To my kids it is something they learned in history but to me it will always be so much more because I watched it happen. I will never forget.

Do you know where you were on November 22, 1963? My parents do. That was the day President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. My parents can tell you every detail of where they were and how they heard and what they felt and how they reacted. I can't, I wasn't born yet. I read about it in history, they lived it. They will never forget.

Do you know where you were on December 7,1941? My grandparents knew. It was a day to live in infamy. It was a day they never forgot. They knew the exact place they were and how they heard that the United States was under attack. They remember everything about that day, the sights, the sounds, the smells, the disbelief, the fog of trying to figure out what happened. My grandfather's fought in WWII, they sure as heck remembered what they were fighting for. My parents read about it in history, their parents lived it. They never forgot.

My point is this, my grandparents never thought there would be a day that Pearl Harbor would be forgotten. And it hasn't been completely forgotten, but let's be honest, it has been forgotten. Today's front page of the newspaper didn't mention anywhere that today is Pearl Harbor Day. Today's front page consisted of Josh McDaniels being fired as the Broncos head coach, CU's new head coach, and where to see holiday lights. Pearl Harbor didn't even make notice until page 5 and then it was a short article. Have we forgotten?

Honestly, I know it is Pearl Harbor Day because of one thing. I saw the flag half mast at my children's school. I then drove down the highway and saw a circle of flags, all half mast. I started processing why they were half mast. Anything huge in the news? Not really. Well, they were half mast on Veteran's Day, is there something going on in December? Oh my gosh, yes there is something going on in December! Today is December 7, it is Pearl Harbor Day. I had to focus on it to remember it. My grandparents just always knew, just as I will always know 9/11. On this day 69 years ago our country was attacked and then proceeded to enter the war that we had for so long tried to ignore. On this day 15 years ago, my last living grandfather passed away. He was a patriot and he passed on a patriotic day. As my parents said often, he would have found honor in that. Maybe he held on just for that? Who knows, but I do know he never forgot Pearl Harbor.

I will never forget 9/11, but someday my grandchildren might. Someday when my grandchildren are grown, the newspaper may not still have front page reminders of the tradgedy of my era and they may wonder why a flag is half mast before acknowledging the anniversary of that horrible day. I hope against that day, but I also have to view it realistically. Someday I hope my grandchildren will take a moment to say a quick prayer of thanks for the soldiers who so bravely fought and sacrificed on this date 69 years ago. Someday I hope my grandchildren will have a moment of silence to honor Pearl Harbor and to honor 9/11. And though I know it isn't realistic to hope for, I hope that my children and grandchildren don't have world stopping moments that they will forever remember that moment in time in a negative way. I know they will have their own era tradgedy, but I wish they could just read about it in history and never have to live it.

not it!

2010-12-07T08:39:00.001-07:00

Have you ever played "not it"? You know, where everyone yells "NOT IT!" and the last person to say it is "it"? We play it in our house too, but our version is the last person to touch his nose. Ok, there is the preface to my story.

Last night at dinner my kindergartener says, "You know, like when you have an erection." My finger immediately touched my nose while my husbands eyes got bigger and bigger. "A what?"
"You know, when you have an erection. Like when people vote to change the laws and if there was an erection that made the law where kids could eat dessert before dinner, then I wouldn't have to eat dinner."

"Um, son, do you mean an ELECTION?"

"Yep, where you can vote to change the laws and make it to where kids can have dessert instead of dinner would be the law."

Let's just say, Momma was cracking up and Daddy was very relieved!

someone else captured his heart

2010-12-02T22:59:00.001-07:00

Yesterday my sweet 5 year old was telling me about his day at school when suddenly these words were said, "And, Mom, I fell in love today." (said with a sigh and a lit up face)
*Sigh* "Who did you fall in love with?"
"Her name is Donya. I sat next to her in reading group."
"Is she in your class at school?"
"Well, kinda. She is in the kindergarten that is there all day long."

My boy fell in love yesterday. A few hours later that same day......

"Donya is kinda a weird name, but I think it is pretty. I sat next to her but she doesn't know my name yet. She has black hair and she is really nice and really pretty. I hope she falls in love with me too!"

*Sigh* His heart doesn't belong solely to his Momma anymore. I know these days come, but do they really have to come in Kindergarten?????? I guess better than his big brother who stole his first kiss at 3, proposed at 5 and began talking about where they would live and what they would name their babies when they grew up and got married. But still.......... This Momma wasn't ready to share another heart yet! At least I'm still the queen in my baby boy's heart. When did they start growing up at 5? When did it start to matter what the girls in school thought? When did girls loose their cooties? (And is there anyway the cooties will return before the boys are old enough to date?????)

My son fell in love yesterday. I guess it's good practice for the day when I will take second place in his heart to the one God has designed especially for him. I don't like it though. I still want to be his most beautiful girl, at least for a little longer!

random cool and slightly unnerving thoughts

2010-11-16T23:37:00.001-07:00

Last night my sweet W made dinner for the family, grilled cheese and mashed potatoes. He peeled the potatoes by himself (though almost 1/2 the skins had to be picked up from the floor!) and cut them by himself. This was his first time to use an actually really sharp knife so I showed him on the 1st potato how to cut it and then sat in for supervision. He did really well. At the beginning I had to remind him a couple of times to check if his blade was up or down. The unnerving part? I realized partway through that he was using his left hand. Interesting, I thought, I had no idea my right handed son used a knife left handed. It didn't strike me as completely weird though because though I am left handed in my writing, I am right handed when it comes to cutting, sewing, crafting or sports. I was surprised though when I watched him switch back to his right hand and he was quite capable with a Pampered Chef utility knife with either hand. He continued to randomly switch cutting hands with no shaking or indication that either had was or was not his dominant hand. He thought I was crazy when I mentioned it to him :)

We had a temperment phsycologist come speak at our MOPS group recently. I bought his book I May Frustrate You, But I'm a Keeper. FABULOUS, FABULOUS, FABULOUS book! It has helped me to understand myself, my kids and my family so much better. Even if I gained no parenting advice whatsoever from it, I would still have gleaned enough knowledge just about me and how/why I react the way I do to make this purchase well worth it! I am so encouraged as I parent my kids to finally be able to understand how their minds work. I also am able to understand much of the conflict my mom and I faced while I was growing up. We are polar opposite temperments and neither of us ever understood where the other was coming from. We never knew that there is more to communicating than having a desire to. Because we weren't speaking each others native tongue, we never could bridge the huge cavernous gap between us and we never understood why. I now understand why and am so grateful for the insight it has given me into my relationship as a daughter and as a mother. You can get the book by going to http://www.raywlincoln.com/. There are also some very valuable resources on his website such as the temperment tests for adults and for children. Don't understand why your kids behave the way they do? Don't understand why nothing seems to work in getting them to listen? Don't understand yourself? Well, if you answered yes to any of them, you need to read this book! It is a wealth of insight!

I'm also dying to get a worship cd called Psalms put out by Sovereign Grace Ministries. There is a song on the cd that we sing in church that the chorus has both been ministering to me and stuck in my head lately. It says, More than watchmen for the morning
I will wait for you my God
when my fears come with no warning, in your Word I'll place my trust
When the harvest time is over and I still see no fruit
I will wait, I will wait for you.
Such a good song and it's for a good price too. Thinking that along with Mercy Me's Generous Mr. Lovewell need to be on my list for the next allowance money payday. Probably better for me than Starbucks anyway ;-) Check out the song Beautiful from Generous Mr. Lovewell. *don't forget to turn the volume down on my playlist though or you will be hearing 2 songs at once* It is amazing!

So those are my thoughts this wonderful fall evening. All random, some cool and some unnerving. Speaking of unnerving, my 8 year old can touch the top of my head standing flat footed. Is he allowed to be that tall already???????? Holy cow, I never before thought of myself as particularly short until now! Love my ever hungry, grown an inch and a shoe size since school started boys! They keep it interesting around here!

tough questions

2010-11-07T22:25:00.000-07:00

The past couple of weeks have brought some awkward questions from my kids and true to form, they didn't ask when dad was home! First came the one from my 2nd grader.

"Mom, isn't it cool how God made it where babies could actually live in a mommy's stomach? I mean, I'm just surprised that the stomach acid doesn't just dissolve the baby and that it can stay alive in there!"

Ok, time for the uterus talk, no biggie. "Son, it's not actually the stomach where the baby is. Woman have a special part of their body that is under the stomach and bladder called a uterus. It is a special room just for babies to live in and grow in until it is time to be born. That is how the stomach acid doesn't destroy the baby because while it is in the mommy's tummy, it is not in her stomach. It's in her uterus."

Ok, whew, made it through that one pretty well. Next up? Oh yeah, my 5 yr old said to me last week, "Mom, how do the babies get out of the mommy's tummy when it is time?" Ok, again, bigger but managable. So I pulled out a Christian book called, "How Did God Make Me?" It is pretty basic, not too much detail but enough. There are even actual pictures of babies in utero so it is a really cool book. The end describes it as when the baby has no more room to grow, it travels through a small tunnel called a birth canal to be born. Ev's comment? "Yeah, Mom, that's fine but where does the tunnel called a birth canal end for the baby to come out? I don't understand where the baby can come out of the tunnel."

Sigh and big deep breath. "It's kinda gross, are you sure you really want to hear?" After resounding yeses and why wouldn't I want to know comments I told him. Another sigh and a bigger deep breath. "Well, the baby comes out from a hole near the woman's potty parts."

"EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW! I'm NEVER going to get married afterall because I don't ever want my wife to have to push a baby out of her pee pee part!"

"Well, Son, it isn't exactly her pee pee part. It is a hole near her pee pee part called a vagina. It is not where she pees from, just close to that area. The vagina stretches to let the baby come out of the birth canal."

"Ok, so the baby won't get pee on it when it comes out?"

"No, it won't get pee on it."

"And I didn't smell like pee when I was born?"

"No, you didn't because it isn't where a woman pees, the vagina is close but not the same place."

"Ok, I guess if I didn't smell like pee, then that's ok. It's still gross though."

"I know, sorry!"

Seriously folks! How many of these will I have to field? And why is it always so convieniently timed when I'm the only one who can answer? Isn't that Dad's job?!?! My mom was horrified that I explained what a vagina was. "But he's only 5!" was her response. "Did you really have to tell him that?"

Well, yes I did. He asked a question and I would much rather answer it than have him go find out somewhere else. Besides, as I pointed out to her, he asked how babies got OUT not how they got IN! I think I'll definitely save that one for Dad!

not much, just the moon

2010-11-07T21:49:00.001-07:00

I heard a song that made me think about the moon. I was thinking how the moon is really a pointless piece of rock and yet such a thing of beauty. I also thought of the moon's purpose. Do you know the moon has only two jobs? It must be pulled by the earth's gravitational force to orbit the earth and it must reflect the sun. That's it, circle the earth and reflect the sun. What a life! How easy that sounds, just go in circles and let something else's light bounce off of you. And yet, isn't that what God has called us as believers to do, to be pulled in by the gravity of His Word, build our lives around it, and reflect God's love to those around us? He didn't ask for much, just the moon.

Like the moon, there is nothing in me that is inherently bright. Like the moon, I am a dark and unattractive rock. Like the moon, when the Savior shines on me, I am made beautiful. Like the moon, I am called to revolve around something, the Word of God. As I was thinking about the moon and it's beauty, I also wondered about the new moon, when the sky is dark. Does the moon stop orbiting the earth just because I can not see it? No, and neither does it stop reflecting the sun. There are times in my life that I feel more like a new moon than a full moon. I am coming out of a season that I have felt like a new moon, that there is no light coming from me. And yet, God has still been working in my life. Though I saw darkness, He was still reflecting His Son on my heart. Though I saw craters and ugliness, He still drew my heart with loving kindness and still took the time to reflect His love to me.

He only wants the moon, that we would orbit His Word and reflect His light. I have a favorite quote that is at the end of every one of my friend's emails. "I believe in the sun even when it is not shining, in love even when I am alone and in God even when He is silent." I do believe in God, even when I can't feel Him, and in His light bringing about beauty in my life, even when all I see is darkness.

How would you know?

2010-09-07T23:41:00.000-06:00

I recently received an email that touched my heart so much that I have to share the text.

If you never felt pain, then how would you know that I am a Healer?

If you never had to pray, How would you know that I am a Deliverer?

If you never had a trial, How could you call yourself an overcomer?

If you never felt sadness, How would you know that I am a Comforter?

If you never made a mistake, How would you know that I am a forgiver?

If you knew all, How would you know that I will answer your questions?

If you never were in trouble, How would you know that I will come to your rescue?

If you never were broken, Then how would you know that I can make you whole?

If you never had a problem, How would you know that I can solve them?

If you never had any suffering, Then how would you know what I went through?

If you never went through the fire, Then how would you become pure?

If I gave you all things, How would you appreciate them?

If I never corrected you, How would you know that I love you?

If you had all power, Then how would you learn to depend on me?

If your life was perfect, Then what would you need me for?

Truer, more beautiful, more timely words have rarely been spoken to me! It is so much easier to cope with being broken when I know He will make me whole. It is so much easier to accept going through fire when you know it is to purify. And thank God that He has shown me HIS character as dependable, loving, a rescuer, a protector, a deliverer, a comforter and a Father. Thanks, Joe, for sending that one on. You may never know exactly how much it has ministered to me over the past days!

my favorite color monster

2010-08-11T00:36:00.001-06:00

Did you have an imaginary friend growing up? A toy that went EVERYWHERE with you and you held countless conversations with? Do your kids? As a kid I had Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls that went everywhere I did. They played outside in the sand and dirt with me. They were my best friends. (They were also replaced several times due to my excess love for them!)

My JJ has an imaginary friend. His name is "My Favorite Color Monster." Favorite Color Monster goes everywhere with us. He has had to go to time-out, has caused JJ to go to time-out on multiple occasions, and usually rides in the trunk of the car when we go out because all of our seatbelts are full inside the car. Whenever JJ has eaten too much or has a tummy ache he informs me that Favorite Color Monster just punched him in the tummy. Favorite Color Monster sleeps under JJ's bed with a piece of JJ's blanket that tore off. Part way through the night, though, he usually climbs up on JJ's bed to cuddle. Sometimes Favorite Color Monster tries to join in morning or bedtime prayers and often trys to join when we discuss favorite parts of the day. His favorite part of the day is usually playing with JJ or that he has a JJ to take care of him because some of his monster friends don't have anyone to take care of them.

Oddly enough, I have grown rather fond of Favorite Color Monster. I so enjoy seeing my son use his imagination to come up with amazing scenarios of play. Sometimes Favorite Color Monster needs a little mommy tlc too and he needs bedtime hugs and kisses too. I got in trouble once for kissing the wrong spot because he had moved to the other side of JJ just before I kissed so I missed him. :)

JJ even visited Favorite Color Monster's house once and his mommy asked, "Who are you?" JJ answered, "I'm JJ and I'm Favorite Color Monster's best friend!" The mommy said she was happy he had a best friend and invited JJ in for popsicles and then they played in the Monster's back yard on the swingset until I called him home for dinner. I mean seriously, how can you not start to enjoy an imaginary friend when your kid is that cute?!?

Favorite Color Monster also keeps JJ safe at bedtime. He scares away any bad monsters that try to sleep under JJ's bed. Now how nice is that, a monster to keep you safe from scary monsters? I do believe that Favorite Color Monster might just be JJ's current best friend. I'm glad he's still little and I'm going to treasure these days; I know they won't last for long. All too soon he'll be heading to school and Favorite Color Monster will be a memory and no longer a best friend. While Favorite Color Monster does cause his share of mischief around our house, I think I'm going to miss him when he leaves.

My friend Steph

2010-08-08T23:04:00.001-06:00

I'm going through a trying time in my life right now. And can I say, I'm soooooooooo glad that I'm not walking it alone. I'm so glad that Jesus carries me every step of the way. I'm so thankful to have an AMAZING support group around me. How do people make it through the trials of life without the hope of glory? How do you make it through the garbage if you don't know that God will take the garbage and make it beautiful?

My friend, Steph, seems to constantly capture my exact thoughts in her blog. So, Steph, thanks for reminding me last week that He never leaves me to walk through this alone and this week that He brings beauty from ashes. You have no possible idea how much that has blessed me.

I'm grateful for a God who sees beauty when I see ashes. I'm grateful for a God who carries me when I can't take another step. I'm grateful for the people God has put in my life who help keep my hands raised when I cannot possibly hold them up for one more second. I'm grateful that I don't have to do this alone!

cute kid stories

2010-07-24T01:12:00.001-06:00

Today we were at my friend's house and she has a 2 year old daughter. As we were preparing to leave I put my youngest in his car seat while the other two were looking for something forgotten. Suddenly JJ yells,

"Jordan! JORDAN!"
"Yes?"
"I love you Jordan!"
"Hmm?"
"I said I LOVE YOU, Jordan!"
"Me?"
"Yes, I love YOU, JORDAN!"
"Ok."

It was soooooo stinkin adorable, wish you could have seen it.

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E's best friend is a little girl named Charlotte. He adores her and since school has been out and he has been missing her, he remedied the situation by forcing JJ to pretend to be Charlotte. JJ now walks around the house and says in a higher pitched voice, "I'm Charlotte. I'm a girl." And then E can play with "Charlotte".

Well, last week I overhear W and E fighting over Charlotte and who was going to marry her. Of course E is claiming Charlotte is his girl and W can have her princess loving big sister. The boys keep trying to win JJ-Charlotte's affection. At some point in the interaction, JJ made E mad and E hit him. W pounced on the opportunity and said to JJ, "See Charlotte? Don't you want to be with me, a boy who will protect you instead of with a boy who hits you? Let's get married!"

I chuckled and tiptoed around the corner to witness the "wedding" unnoticed. W and JJ were up on E's bed and W was saying, "Do you promise to love this woman till you die and be good to her?" There was then a rather exaggerated kissing sound where W was kissing JJ's cheek. Then he told JJ that they would go to the candy store for their honeymoon and "she" could pick out any candy "she" wanted.

Again, I didn't know if I should be rolling on the floor laughing or curling up in my bed hiding and praying! But it was indeed funny.

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Tonight my oldest went to a little girl's birthday party. When the parents brought him home (thanks soooooo much Joy and Ryan!) they told me that W was the only boy there though not the only one invited. I asked him if it was weird to be the only boy in a group of girls. He looked at me like I was crazy so I asked if it was kinda cool. He said it was REALLY cool to be the only boy there at her party. Such a boy......... ;-)

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I know I have a couple of others from recently but I am super tired so they will have to wait for another blog. Just so I can remind myself though, favorite color monster, jet pack girl, and a soda stealing preschooler are all topics for another day.

to be continued...........

supermom

2010-07-13T23:57:00.001-06:00

I don't think of myself as supermom. I am the mom who firmly holds my kids down to get their shots (or any of the other random medical tests they have had to go through). I am the mom who tells my boys they are fine when they fall. I don't think that takes any big talent. Apparently I am wrong though.

I get annoyed when we go for well visits to the doctors and the nurse doesn't want to let me hold my kids. I once complained to my best friend about this. I thought I'd get her sympathy because she is a mom and has had to hold her kids down for stitches before, instead the nurse got her sympathy because my friend is also a pediatric nurse. She informed me of how often a parent says they will hold their child and then in their own fear of hurting the child, they don't hold tight enough and people do get hurt. Almost always the child when they jerk gets hurt and often the parent "holding" the child and sometimes the nurse administering the shot gets kicked or even worse gets stuck with the child's needle.

Ok, so at least I now get the perspective of the nurses at our doctors office. I understand how they can be skeptical of my abilities to hold these children who are almost stronger than me. I've come to accept it and I know that unless it's a nurse who has been around long enough to see me hold them for shots, blood draws and catheters, that I will have to insist that we will be ok.

Well, I didn't realize the day would come when I would have to assure police officers, paramedics and most of the front end staff at Hubby's work that I was ok. Today that day came. The kids and I bummed a ride from my dad to go see Hubby at work so we could have breakfast with him on his birthday. It was a nice breakfast which was supposed to be followed with coffee and a park date with a friend. We were standing at the front near the drinking fountain when my youngest, who was in the cart, said, "W, look at the police officers!" W turned his body to look and his shoes slipped and his feet just fell out from under him. He hit the front of his head on the drinking fountain on the way down and then the back of his head on the floor. It was LOUD.

As the police officer helped W stand up, his head started gushing blood. I'm not talking a little bit of blood. I'm talking blood spurting out of his forhead and blood going everywhere. It was in his hair, covering his face, on his clothes, on his leg and foot and even on the bottom of his shoes. Blood all over the floor, all over the drinking fountain and a nice little trail of blood leading to the office where they had us sit down. The officers radioed for help and informed me that the paramedics were on the way.

I guess everyone expected me to freak out. I was asked countless times if I was ok. I was fine. I just went into mom mode and took care of the situation. I saw my husbands boss standing near enough to hear me so I told him to walkie Hubby and let him know W was hurt and to meet us at the front. I got the officer who was trying to manage the initial bleeding some wet paper towels. Another woman who works there asked if I wanted her to stand with the younger two. I left them in her capable hands and went with my bleeding child to the back office where they could have him sit until the paramedics arrived. I talked to W and helped him stay calm. I talked to the officers and the managers who came in to check on us. I did what I needed to do.

But every few seconds someone was asking, "How's mom doing? You ok, Mom?" I finally told the officers, "I'm fine. It's just blood, he's the one who's not ok. I can handle this, just take care of him." Then I had to tell the paramedics the same thing. I had to tell countless employees the same thing. I was amazed that so many people were amazed that I didn't fall apart. Now honestly, what good would that have done anyway? So the paramedics got the bleeding under control and told us to take W in for stitches. We were given the option of going by ambulance or driving him ourselves. They recommended the nearby hospital.

We did drive him ourselves and took him to the pediatricians office instead of the hospital. He was so brave, barely cried at all. The doctor said it was a clean cut and could be glued. The most tears of the whole event were shed when they had to use iodine to clean it out before using the dermabond to glue it. Even the pediatrician was asking if I was ok!

So my son has a glued gash on his head. The paramedics said he looks like Harry Potter and will probably have a cool scar. He liked that. It isn't lightning bolt shaped but still...... He called his best friend to assure that he was ok. The recount from his perspective was cute. "Yeah, I'm ok now. It doesn't hurt as bad as it did when I hit it. It's actually not that bad, today I got to watch a new movie with Grammy and then later my favorite movie too! Yeah, that sounds like fun. 'Cept I'm not allowed on monkey bars for a whole week." ADORABLE!

He has a decent bump under that purplish glued cut. He also has a pretty decent headache and has been on ibprofen all day. He is going to be fine. I am fine also. Apparently according to the officers and employees, I am super-mom. I don't feel like it. I just did what needed to be done, but I guess a lot of people don't do it as calmly as I did. Who knew? I have a hidden talent ;-) W is nearly 8. I am the mom of all boys and it has taken nearly 8 years into my parenting journey for any of my kids to have a cut bad enough to warrant stitches or glue. I personally think that is something to be proud of! Maybe that's why I didn't freak out; I was thinking, "Wow, I can't believe it's taken this long with these monkeys for someone to need the paramedics called and for someone to need stitches!"

I did however hit Starbucks twice today. See, I do show stress, I drink more coffee! :-)

facebook question

2010-07-13T00:57:00.000-06:00

Ok, to all of you out there who also are on facebook land, I have a question for you. If your ex was mutual friends with someone, and his pic kept popping up at the bottom of your screen as someone you might know, what would you do? Would you delete the mutual friend since you're not that close anymore? Would you just grow up and get over yourself and not let it bother you to see that awful face staring at you at the bottom of your screen? How would you handle it? Hypothetically, of course ;-)

Who do you want to be when you grow up?

2010-07-11T22:13:00.001-06:00

I've been rather "reflective" the past few weeks. Some of it, I'm sure, is because I'm stuck at home all day until we get our car fixed. I'm also sure that another part is my birthday looming on the horizon. This point in the year often has me evaluating the past year and wondering if I've used it well. The past few days my reflection has been on who I am, who I want to be and who everyone else wants me to be.

I grew up knowing what I wanted to be, a wife and mommy. I never thought, though, about who I wanted to be when I grew up. And here I am, all grown up and sometimes still just as lost. I'm all grown up and still sometimes ask myself who I want to be when I grow up. I know what I am; sometimes I forget who I am. I am a wife to an amazing man who loves me irrevocably and completely. I am a mommy to three wonderful little boys who adore me. I am a hospitality co-ordinator in my MOPS group. I am friend/big sister to Sarah. I am a daughter, a sister and a friend. I am a woman who is often tired, who loves coffee, pb M&M's, a good book, and lots of hugs. I am a woman who prays daily.

I am also a woman who often feels insecure. I am a woman who sometimes still struggles with the lies of an eating disorder. I am a woman who has a difficult time making decisions. I am a woman who understands giving love much more than receiving it. I am a woman who feels like a little girl. I am a woman who has battled depression my entire life. I am a woman who has a double standard that I believe that people are who they say they are but I don't think people believe that I am who I say I am. I know truth but often don't feel the truth that I know.

So here I am, sitting awake late at night, painfully aware of who others want me to be. I know the woman my in-laws hope me to be. I know the woman my parents expect me to be. But the question in it all is who do I want to be? I could seriously use a break from reality. I could use a weekend in the mountains with just my Bible and journal, no interuptions, no fights to break up, no family to people please. I could use some time alone with my Savior to let Him remind me of who I am. I already know what I am.

therapy for my soul

2010-07-05T01:43:00.002-06:00

Blogging is therapy for my soul, as is journaling. The things I cannot figure out how to say come naturally when I sit to type. I have often heard people say that writing instead of talking is a cowards way of dealing. I highly disagree. I'm not a coward, I just write much better than I speak! Words come easily when I write, not so much when I talk. When I type, I have a backspace button. Too many times I have spoken words that I can only wish to have had a backspace button before I had let them escape! Too often have I wounded others (and been wounded) by words spoken too quickly. Writing allows me to put my words through my brain filter first. I say a lot fewer stupid or thoughtless things. And all of that was said, simply to say, I've missed being able to write!

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I've been extremely tired lately. I was finally able to discover why, my iron has been super low. I was very close to being anemic. I couldn't even walk down the stairs without being so exhausted I could barely move. I was laying on my couch wishing for energy every day and feeling guilty when I never had any. It was an odd relief to know that my problem was both simple and easily fixed. I am taking iron supplements now. I'm still no ball of fire but at least I can type without feeling like I'm going to fall over from exhaustion!

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Our pastor has recently done a series on suffering. He taught from Habbakuk. It has been a FABULOUS teaching, one that is all too often neglected in our search for the American dream. While the entire series really hit me, the best one (in my opinion) was called "Is Jesus Enough for You?" and was delivered on 6/13. You can listen to it by going to our church's website and clicking "play sermon" to the right of the title I just mentioned. For those of you not familiar with the book of Habbakuk, the basis is that Habbakuk asks God why He is allowing the wickedness to continue. When will God do something? God responds telling Habby that He is allowing a more wicked nation to invade Israel as punishment for Israel's wickedness. The entire book is Habby knowing that invasion is inevitable, and pain and calamity will engulf his nation and loved ones.

The end of the book is one of my favorites. Habby says that even though there are no crops, no wine, no olives, no food, etc. YET he will praise and trust God. It is a beautiful illustration of God's presence and hope in times of suffering. How often have I said that God has never promised us smooth sailing, just a safe landing. May my trials bring me closer to the heart of God and that I may allow Him to mold me into His image.
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My boys have friends of the female species that are sisters and the exact ages of my older 2. They love to tease each other about the girls. You know, the age old classic "W and L sitting in a tree......." to which he responds, "No, it is E and Charlotte sitting in a tree....." I'm not sure if I'm amused or terrified by their recent preoccupation with girls. But the other day I couldn't help but smile when E came to me and said, "Mom, in 20 years, W and L is getting married and me and Charlotte is getting married. That way me and Wcan still go to the same family dinner when we are growed up!" That is a prospect I can handle. Who says arranged marriages are out? I think it could work ;-)
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I'm excited to be enjoying reading again. I haven't really enjoyed it in a while. I am now forcing myself out of the book isle at the store because I want to buy so many of them! My list (I think in this order......) is
1. The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner (heard I had to read it before seeing Eclipse so tomorrow I am borrowing it from a friend!)
2. the Percy Jackson series ( I know they are kids books, so were Harry Potter and I loved those! Besides, I need to pre-read before Will starts asking to read them )
3. Wrinkle in Time series by Madeline L'Engle (I read them as a child but I remember very little of the story other than I loved it and it's a classic.)
4. The Hostess (simply because Stephanie Meyer said it was her favorite book that she has written. She said she feels it had more depth and better writing style than when she wrote the Twilight books.)

Ok, so I just looked at this list and realized I am in a fiction kick right now. I'm not usually a fiction only girl. I usually like to learn when I read but I'm enjoying being entertained right now. I just read My Sister's Keeper. Holy cow, that was a heavy book! I enjoyed it but definitely cried. Ok, sobbed is probably a better description. My kids thought I had lost my mind when I hugged them without letting go for the rest of the evening after finishing it. I'm just glad I wasn't out in public when I finished it!
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Ok, that is enough therapy for me tonight! You are probably getting bored with my randomness anyway =)
It's nice to be back.

great grandma

2010-05-28T11:27:00.001-06:00

Last weekend the kid, my mom and I went to St. Louis to see my nephew graduate from highschool. While we were there we stayed with my grandma, the kids great grandma. My grandpa died when my mom was 12 and my grandma has remained single all these years. This prompted a cute conversation from my 5 yr old today.

"Mom, why didn't Grandma S. get married anymore?"

"Because no one could make her heart beat like Grandpa could. She never met anyone else who she loved as much as she loved him and so she decided to not get married again."

Thoughtful pause.......

"Hmmm, Mom, I think when I'm a grown up I will move to St. Louis and marry her so she won't be alone anymore."

Oh my sweet boy!

chapters

2010-05-28T01:34:00.002-06:00

There is a time and a reason for everything under the sun. Today a chapter in my life closed. I'm in a novel I can't put down and I can barely stand waiting for the page to turn to see what happens next. However, I also want to reflect on and savor the chapter that I finished. Today was an emotionally eventful day. The last day of preschool for my middle child. The last day of "real" school for my 1st grader. My children are growing up so fast it almost stuns me!
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Tonight my son graduated from preschool. For him, tonight marks a significant point in his short life. Tonight marks the time he is now considered a Kindergartener. He's kinda scared to be a Kindergartener. He's following in the heels of a big brother who is well known and well loved. What if he doesn't measure up? What will school be like without his best friend? What will it be like with no friends going into it? He's starting over and he's a little intimidated. Even the teacher he knows and loves who he thought would teach him is not returning to Kindergarten next year. She is following the Lord's leading and moving to Africa. I know the kiddos there need her and that is where the Lord wants her but I also wish she could be here for one more year for my kiddo. My kiddo is scared to not know anyone, not even the teacher.

Today my older son's first grade teacher took my middle son by the hand and introduced him to his Kindergarten teacher. I know her to be an amazing, godly, fabulous woman. He doesn't. I know he will do awesome in his new school, he's concerned. Today I feel bad for him and wish he weren't so apprehensive. I wish he were excited for new friends and seasons rather than scared.
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This afternoon the first grade teachers invited the parents to class at the end of the day for an awards ceremony. It was an honor to go and be a part of it. I have so enjoyed watching my son blossom this year. I work in his classroom every week and so I know all of the kids. I loved watching them each get awards for different character traits. I genuinely rejoiced with each of them; I know how hard they have all worked this year. I have watched my son learn to be friends with someone who he used to have issues with. I have watched these kids grow so much this year. I have seen them perservere through language barriers. One girl didn't even know how to spell her own name when the school year started. They've grown. They've changed. And they don't even realize it.

Soon it will be August and I will then be the mommy of a preschooler, a kindergartener and a second grader. It's going so fast. I am going to savor the last tastes of this chapter I have ended. Then, I'm going to turn the page in my book, a novel like nothing I've ever dreamed of, and continue reading/writing my story. And I'm going to enjoy every sentence, every page, every chapter, every season of my book.

let's talk about sex baby.......

2010-05-20T23:56:00.002-06:00

Tonight my 7 year old decided to read his Bible for his reading homework time. We had a very interesting conversation that followed......

Him - Mom, there is an inappropriate word in this Bible. It says sex.

Me - Ok, what do you know about sex?

Him - Um, nothing, except that we aren't allowed to talk about it at school. If we do, we go immediately to blue (a warning), so I know it's a bad word.

Me - Well, son, it's not actually a bad word. The reason your teachers told you it is inappropriate is because God designed sex to be between married grown ups. It is only for a man and his wife. Are you a grown up?

Him - No.

Me- Are you married?

Him - Yes. (Mom's eyes get big at this point and ask for an explanation. Turns out the girl he is married to doesn't know of their arrangement so I informed him that to be married both people have to say "I do" and there has to be a wedding. Since neither of those things happened, I was able to get his agreement that he's not married, yet.)

Me - So if God created sex to be a special loving relationship between a grown up man and his wife, and you are not a grown up or married, do you think that you need to know a lot about it right now?

Him - No I guess I don't.

Me - That is the reason your teachers don't want you to talk about sex, they know it is not something that you guys need to focus on yet. Right now they want you to focus on being kids.

The conversation reiterated a few times that sex was designed for marriage. I figure he doesn't have to know the details for him to know where we stand on the issue. He'll remember the conversation. Then, as uncomfortable as it made me, I promised him that if he had any questions that Mom and Dad would always do our best to answer them and that he could always talk to us about anything. I'm amazed that he has made it through 1st grade with so much innocence still. Though, we want to make sure we are the ones he learns his facts of life from, I also want him to enjoy the innocence of childhood a little bit longer. He didn't seem curious, and he was happy with the response I gave. I know the day is rapidly approaching when I (or Dad!) have to answer questions and have to give details. Today, however, was not that day. WHEW!

remember your chains

2010-05-09T01:34:00.001-06:00

Sunday on my way to church I started thinking about something. I am sure I will not be able to fully capture my train of thought on paper because I was thinking so fast about so many different things. They all revolved around remembering. I started thinking about the Israelites grumbling in the desert. Does anyone else get really annoyed with their whininess and how quickly they forgot what the Lord did for them? I mean to tell you, talk about pig headed idiocy! Seriously people? A month ago you were slaves and now you are free men and yet think maybe it was better back there? I am constatly baffled by them and their attitude towards their freedom.

Yet too many Christian are in the same boat. In our effort to not give Satan glory for the gory in our past lives, we sometimes forget to give Jesus glory for His hand of redemption in our lives. I also started thinking of an old Steven Curtis Chapman song called Remember Your Chains. The second part of the song says:

The wings of forgiveness can take us to heights never seen
But the wisest ones, they will never lose sight
Of where they were set free, love set them free

So remember your chains, remember the prison that once held you
before the love of God broke through
Remember the place, you were without grace
Remember your chains and remember your chains are gone

And in the light of all that we've been forgiven of
We find our hearts fuller and freer
To give and receive God's love

I thought of Jesus saying that the one who has been forgiven much, loves much. I thought of how many times God instructed His people to stack stones and name the "alter" so that everytime they saw the stones they would remember the hand of the Lord in their lives. How many times does the Bible say to meditate on the works of the Lord? Let me give you just a very brief overview.......

Deut 5:15 "Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the Lord your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an out stretched arm."

1 Chron 16:12 " Remember the wonders He has done, His miracles, and the judgments He pronounced."

Ps 77:11 "I will remember the deeds of the Lord, yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on ALL your works and consider ALL your mighty deeds."

Isaiah 46:8-10 "Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God and there is no other; I am God and there is none like me."

And then the entire chapter of Ps 111 is awesome! Vs 2 "Great are the works of the Lord; they are pondered by all who delight in them." Vs 4 "He has caused His wonders to be remembered; the Lord is gracious and compassionate." And vs 9 "He provided redemption for His people; He ordained His covenant forever- holy and awesome is His name."

My table leader at MOPS this year said that everytime she and her sister left the house her mama would tell them, "Remember who you are and where you came from." What wisdom from that mama! The long and short of it is this, God has redeemed each of us. We each have a story. My story isn't yours and yours isn't someone elses. I remember who I am, I'm a daughter of the king. I am in a season of remembering right now in my other blog. I am remembering where I came from. I have such huge reasons to glorify God. He has brought me out of the filth and mire and redeemed me.

I do remember my chains, I do remember the life I once lived before the love of God broke through, and I do remember that my chains are gone! I AM FREE! Gal 5:1 "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery." I think sometimes living in the freedom that Christ purchased for us with his very life means that you have to remember what being a slave was like. Sometimes we have to remember how awful Egypt was to appreciate how awesome the promised land is. Without that memory, what is to stop us from desiring, like the ungrateful Israelites, to return to the yoke of slavery?

Take a moment to remember your story. Remember what God has carried you through. Remember the hand of God, mighty to save, in your own life. And then dwell in the freedom He has given you; it's a beautiful place to stay, in the hand of His mercy and grace where freedom and redemption are abundant.

which hope do you hope in?

2010-05-04T01:39:00.001-06:00

I have 2 different trains of thought going through my head but I think I'll blog about the freshest in my mind first. I had an intriguing conversation tonight about God and faith and where our part comes in. The old saying of "God helps them who help themselves" came up. Another interesting thing came up that I got surprisingly (at least to me) quickly passionate about. Is faith a crutch? In my head I momentarily laughed and thought, no it isn't a crutch for me, it's a wheelchair! I would not be able to function in my daily life without my faith. It was brought up how some people find all their hope in faith and then when life gets ugly, which it does for each of us at some point or another, those same people crumble under the let down of why life got ugly when they had faith.

I was suddenly passionate and learned as I spoke that this is what I believe about faith, there are two types of faith. One is the hope of glory the other is the hope of happiness. Let me explain. My hope is in the Lord, in the fact that He alone is unchanging. My hope is of a glorious tomorrow not of a comfortable today. The other camp of people put their faith in hoping that God will right all wrongs here on this earth. Unfortunately when He doesn't right all wrongs here in this life, these people fall hard and fast.

The Bible promises us hardship. We are told not only to expect trials but to rejoice in them. This world is an ugly, sinful, horrible, messed up place. If we seek perfection here, we are doomed to disappointment. BUT when we hope in a place of perfection beyond this life, a hope that knows that He WILL indeed right the wrongs just not in this world, a hope that there is something so much more wonderful and amazing waiting for us than the trivial life we live here, the hope is not dashed when the world is ugly.

Too many Christians sign up for the hope of happiness, the hope that life won't be hard, the hope that Christ will rescue us from this life. Not nearly enough people sign up for the eternal hope of glory, the hope of being refined so that others can see His reflection in us, the hope that our eternal God is also unchanging.

I personally, am much more hopeful about a perfect tomorrow where I spend every day basking in His glory than a comfortable today. As I have said often, God is more concerned with our eternal salvation than our temporal comfort. I'm ok with that. It doesn't mean I like suffering any more than anyone else. It doesn't mean that I want trouble in this life. It does mean that when trouble and pain come to my life, I know that God is still unchanging and He has an eternal plan that we usually cannot see. Nope, I still can't explain how evil things are part of His eternal plan, but I still know He is faithful. I still know that someday I will join Him in paradise beyond imagination. And THAT my friends, is where I place my hope!

Your turn, is your faith in the hope of glory or the hope of happiness?

food for thought:

Habbakuk 3: 17-18 "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,

18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
(emphasis mine)

Romans 9:16 "It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy."

gas chamber

2010-05-03T13:08:00.000-06:00

Yes, I did just title my blog gas chamber. See I have all boys and I am about to prove it. My older 2 ~~like~~ are OBSESSED with Star Wars and we have a ton of action figures. Of course they like to play battle games but my oldest feels entitled to win all the time. (He plays a game we have not so affectionately nick-named "I win.") To make the game fair my husband invented new rules. They each pick their teams schoolyard style. When all the figures have been divided up each player picks one of his figures to come out to battle. Then a coin gets flipped, the non flipper, of course, calls it in the air. The winner of the coin toss wins that particular round. The game continues until there is one sole survivor. Well, this morning I was playing this with my oldest. I lost more than half of the coin tosses and my army was being radically and rapidly eliminated. During one of my losses my son decides the way he is going to "kill" my guy is to "toot" in his face. He takes his action figure, places the backside against my figures face and proceeds to make the most horrifying gas sounds in the world. I must have looked horrified because he started cracking up and says, "What, Mom? It's the gas chamber!" I couldn't help but chuckle while informing him he was super gross. All 3 boys were rolling on the floor laughing, my oldest laughing so hard he was about to cry. Now tell me, don't you wish you had all boys???????

beautiful vs. sexy

2010-04-21T01:20:00.000-06:00

I am married to a wonderful and amazing man. The other day I realized something about him, he makes me feel beautiful. Now that may seem obvious but it really isn't. Here is something that few know but everyone should. There is a difference between being beautiful and being sexy. I've know since childhood how to be sexy. I've always known that I can turn a man on, I've never known how to be beautiful. And yet I am married to a man who sees beauty. For years when I didn't know how to be beautiful, he still treated me as though I were. And now I realize how much I enjoy beauty. I now realize that being beautiful is ok, good even. I now realize that while there is a time for sexy, it isn't where my value lies. I guess I've known it for a while now, but it just really hit me smack in the eyes just a few days ago when I realized that there is a difference between beauty and sexy. Like I said, few know it though all should. I've lived it and am just coming to a conscious realization of it. To my women readers, take some time today to realize you are beautiful (aside from your sex appeal). To my men readers, remember that not everyone who has sex appeal has beauty (or understands it for that matter).

command for courage

2010-04-17T02:03:00.002-06:00

I once heard a sermon that definitely impacted my thinking. I'm not repeating that sermon in it's entirety but I'm going to tell you how it is continuing to influence my life.

If you read my last post, you know that the Lord has been wanting to work on some issues in my own life but I am afraid that digging through my heart to deal with those issues is going to be unbearably painful. Afraid might not do my feelings justice, let's go with terrified. What if the pain completely lays me out for a bit? I mean, after all, I am a mommy and everyone knows that mommys don't get sick/I'm over it/PTO days. I can't afford to heal, it might hurt to much to begin with. Well, being afraid of it is not an option.

I have many times over the last week gone back to Phil 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."God will carry on His work in my life and not leave it mid-process. The text says "being confident of this", that means that I can have full trust that this is truth. He won't leave me.

Now to the book of Joshua (and part of the sermon). Did you know in the first chapter of the book of Joshua, 4 times the words be strong and courageous are mentioned? And did you know in vs 9 it is actually a COMMANDMENT? " Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Wow. Have I not commanded you. Pretty strong words there. I can't help but realize that if the Lord thought it was important enough to mention 4 times in just 18 short verses, that it must be important knowledge to have. And then lets magnify it just a bit, you know, in case you missed any of those 4 times, and command it.

God has actually commanded me to be strong and courageous. He has commanded me to not be terrified. And in return He has promised that He will be with me wherever I go. This evening I looked past my fear and did what God has been asking of me. I started looking at the issues He wants to heal. I still know it won't be easy. I still know that it will hurt, but I also know that He will continue on the work He has started until the day of completion and that He will go with me wherever this journey takes me. He is faithful. He is good.

(on a side note, I was just thinking about that sermon and oddly enough, it was delivered by the man who is now my pastors brother-in-law. Interesting tidbits that don't really add to the story but made me smile.)

obedience sucks sometimes

2010-04-09T01:26:00.000-06:00

Has the Lord ever asked, no rather, required you to do something that just isn't fun? He once asked me to carry on with a friendship that I was done, D-O-N-E with. It was difficult and painful to show this person the love of my Savior when I personally felt no love or grace towards her. In the end, God rewarded my obedience with an even deeper and amazing and uplifting friendship than I could have ever imagined.

He's doing it agian. He's asking me to be obedient and I don't want to! I feel my inner 5 year old coming out ready to throw myself down and cry, scream and beg. This time the obedience is for me, to show God's healing power to my own heart not to someone elses. It isn't easy. I have some bruises to let Him touch with gentleness and remove their ouch factor. It is easier to leave them buried.

Several months ago a friend sent me a Bible study called Breaking Free. I was very excited to start, just as soon as I finished the book I was working on. Then when I was all ready to start, I had a conversation with a friend. Well, she, of course, needed this study and I must wait for her to get it and we would do it together. Short version, I have procrastinated for just over 3 months thinking maybe God would let me off the hook. He hasn't. He can't heal the hurts if I don't let Him in.

I guess it's time to stop making excuses, to stop being terrified that uncovering the hurts will be more than I can handle, and to stop trying to run and hide from the work the Lord is wanting to do in my life. I am engraved on the palm of His hand. He won't drop me, a tattoo can't just fall or be thrown off a hand anyway. He wouldn't ask me to start uncovering my heart and then leave me to finish on my own. He is faithful to me and His Word says that He will carry on to completion the work He has started in me. Those are words I can trust.

So here's to a journey I'm not eager to make, to a God who is faithful, to a heart in need of healing and to a God who allows me to dream vividly, in color, so that I can see that He has so much work that He longs to do in me. Obedience is more desirable than sacrifice; obedience carries with it the promise of hope and healing. Obedience is what my God and Lord is asking of me now and obedience is what I will give (allbeit reluctantly!)

Let's go on a journey.............

amazing love

2010-04-03T00:29:00.000-06:00

I am awed and humbled today, this Good Friday. The recent loss of my friends stillborn daughter seems to add so much more perspective to my life this year. I've been thinking about the child I miscarried. I've been thinking about the babies and children of my friends who either never experienced life outside of the womb or exited this life way too soon. And I was thinking of my God who willingly gave His son up for me. There are several people in this world who I would die for or in place of without a second thought. There is NO ONE in this world I would ever ask one of my sons to die for. My children's lives are so much more precious to me. Not to say my own life isn't precious but what I mean to say is that I cannot honestly think of one single life that I would be willing to trade one of my children's lives for.

Those of you who are parents, can you think of a life you would be willing to trade YOUR child's life for? Can you think of a single person that you think is important enough to not only allow your child to die, but to watch him be brutally murdered? Watching with the ability to change it and finally having to turn your back on your child's pleas because of the agony? That is what my God did for me! He offered His son's life as a trade for mine. His only son. He watched as His only son was beaten literally within an inch of his life, while this son was mocked and tortured and finally had God to turn His back right before His son died.

Amazing Love, how can it be? Since when is my pitiful life worth the exchange of God's only son's life? How could God look at me and know that He willingly traded His child's life so that I could indeed live? And not only do I live, I have abundant life. Life that is overflowing. I am humbled that God made a choice that I never could or would make, to sacrifice His child so that I, with such a wicked heart, could live.

God didn't ask His son to die for a worthy person, for a king, for a princess, for someone noble. He gave his son for me. He gave His son to cover my sin so that I may stand righteous before a holy God. He gave His son for me, the worst of sinners. He gave His son for murderers, liars, adulterers, gossips, prostitutes, and each one of us who deserves no grace. We aren't even close to worthy. I would never ask my children to lay down their lives for someone like me, and yet my Jesus laid down His life for someone like me. Unfathomable!

Amazing love, how can it be? That you my king would die for me?

Did he just say that??????

2010-04-02T11:10:00.000-06:00

Last night my husband and I were discussing conversations we (well, he) will need to have or have already had with our boys. Conversations about "the birds and the bees" but so much more. Conversations about respecting women. Conversations about respecting yourself. Conversations about purity. Conversations about "not parking that thing in a no parking zone." Conversations about legitimate regrets about not having your wife be your first. Lots of things to be absorbed. I asked my husband if he knew how I pray for our boys. I pray that they will have a desire to remain pure and that they will have the strength to. See without the desire to wait, the strength to wait means nothing. My husband, God love him, said, "You should also pray that they stay away from cheerleaders." My mocking look prompted an explanation that had me rolling laughing. "Well, they are trained to make people smile and scream." Did my husband seriously just say that? Leave it to him to find a joke after the serious conversation.

broken

2010-03-26T13:46:00.000-06:00

I have only a few short minutes and cannot truly give this the attention I need to but I must give it some attention before my heart breaks further and I explode into thousands of tiny pieces. My friend today lost her baby girl. Baby Lylac was due to enter the world on April 26, instead she will enter it today March 26.....stillborn. My friend must still labor and deliver a child who she will never hear cry. I cannot fathom the pain of this loss. I miscarried once, but I lost my child the day after I discovered I was with child. I hurt so unbelievably during that time and I did not have months of pregnancy, of planning, a nursery decorated, and my child named. I have friends who have lost children as well, early after birth. But those friends had months of preparing to grieve. They knew in advance that the child they carried would not live and though they still had to walk through the pain, they expected the pain. My friend did not. Last week I received the invitation to her baby shower. Things seemed to be going well. Then yesterday she started to worry when she wasn't feeling the baby. Visiting the doctor confirmed every mothers worst fear, her child had died. How do you comfort this? How do you trust that God is still in control and is still good and not be cliche and insensitive with your words? I have to go now, I am needed in my son's classroom. But if today you think of my friend and her husband and 2 little boys, please lift them up before the Father. And pray for those around her that no one says any of those stupid non-comforting Christianese statements that hurt more than help.

jelly bean

2010-03-12T00:16:00.000-07:00

I have an ultrasound pic of my youngest on my fridge (yes I know he is almost 3!). I lovingly named the picture "my little jelly bean." Yesterday I overheard the cutest conversation between my middle and youngest sons. I heard Evan telling Josh, "You were once a tiny little jellybean. And then you grew into a big jellybean. And once I was a tiny little peanut (yes, I did call him my peanut when I looked at his u.s. pics) and then I grew into a big peanut. And once Will was a tiny....... emmy m (m&m) and then he grew into a great big HUGE emmy m! His head is a huge emmy m!" Fits of giggles ensued from my backseat and I remembered again how much I love being a mom.

thoughts on blogs of the unknown

2010-03-07T22:21:00.000-07:00

I am strange. I have pleanty of blogs of friends that I need to catch up on, I'm way behind. But instead, do you know what I did tonight? I hit "next blog" and read strangers updates. Like I said, I am strange. I even commented on a strangers blog post. What????? Since when do I do that?

It got me thinking and wondering if strangers ever read my blog. And if so, do they chuckle in understanding as I did with the two people I read about tonight. Do they think I'm insane like I have thought before when reading strangers blogs? And I realized one thing, some of my story is a bit intimidating to think of it being trusted to complete strangers. Do I want people I've never met knowing about my struggles both past and present? Do I say too much about my family? But here is what I realized, this is me. This is me at my core, both the good times and the bad times. I can say that my blog is in no way fake, this is the real me. I don't change what I write based on who I think will read it. I say what's on my mind. I have had myself mildly convinced that no one reads me anyway. I'm not that interesting and even some who I expected would immediately "follow" me read me if I insist.

I started my blog with the intent of doing a "clean sweep" in my brain. I mean really, one can only allow the brain to be cluttered for so long before you must get it out or go insane. I thought blogging would be a great way to sort my brain, and maybe hash out on paper some of my questions. I have indeed found those things. My blogging goal now though is to not only vent, but to glorify the Lord. I have only one desire, to be used by Him. I thought I was only writing to get my thoughts out of my head to sort them out or to clarify my beliefs, but in reading blogs that belong to people I've never met (and really never will either in New Orleans or in England) I realized that my venting could be read by someone who needs to hear what I have to say. That seems like a big responsibility. I think I'll just keep on being exactly who I am and pray that the Lord will use me in ways I didn't dream of. I'm not really all that much, but He in me is amazing and wonderful and glorious and worthy of all praise. I pray that others will see Him though me. That is the cry of my heart, to be a reflection of someone so much greater than myself!

worry + portion = complete reliance

2010-02-23T01:38:00.001-07:00

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have one single greatest fear in my life. It's not spiders or heights, though I'm not fond of either. It's not even speaking in front of people, another thing I'm not fond of. My single greatest fear is losing my husband. I know for some it is not being able to care for themselves, some it's not having enough money, some it is losing a child. All of those are things that intimidate me but none terrify me the way that not having my best friend, my soul mate, my lover, my partner by my side for this crazy journey of life. Ethan is the most amazing friend I've ever had, the most wonderful man I've ever met and most definitely the other half of me.

So, hopefully that will shed some insight into my emotions as I share the events of the last week. Early last week we had a rather stressful situation at our house which resulted in me taking Ethan to the E.R. He was experiencing shortness of breath, heart palpitations, dizziness and a bit of chest tightness. I'm no fool, I insisted he go get it looked at immediately. There is history of heart problems in his family. Every man on his side of the family has had some form of heart trouble from high blood pressure to high cholesterol to heart attacks and bypass surgeries. I was more terrified than I can remember feeling in a long time. When he argued that he was feeling better and didn't need to go, I informed him that I am WAAAAAAAAAY to young to be a widow and he's going to the hospital.

The hospital ran an EKG, X-rays, and blood work before sending Ethan home and referring him to be seen by a cardiologist within 48 hrs. I was too exhausted to think by the time we got home at 1:20 AM and I collapsed into bed. The next day however, I had time to start thinking and processing. The fear hit me like a ton of bricks. Then the Word of God also hit me, but in a much gentler, sweeter way =). "Who of you by worrying, can add a single hour to [her husbands] life?" (To my Bible purist friends, forgive me for changing the words there, but it was how I knew the Lord was saying it to my heart.)

I was convicted. My worrying was accomplishing nothing and will certainly not prolong my life or my husbands life. It was time to pull out my Bible and read the rest of the text. In a later verse it says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Hmmmm, tomorrow will have tomorrow's troubles. Today has today's troubles. Hmmmm, interesting. Tomorrow will come and will go. I will not bring it here sooner by worrying nor will I strip it of it's troubles by worrying about them today. The only thing I will accomplish is losing hours of my own life lost in worry rather than joy.

Almost simultaneously my brain started reminding me of Lamentations 3:24, "I say to myself, the Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for Him." Um, ok. How does that tie into worry? Ok, let's look that one up too. I also found Psalm 73:26 which says, "My heart and flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Portion. The Lord is my portion. What does that mean? According to the notes in my study Bible it means that He is the "sustainer and preserver of life." It is the who Lord sustains me, not my husband. It is the Lord who gives my heart strength. Even when my body fails, the Lord is my sustainer and preserver.

At the end of this, I had to come to this conclusion. I completely trust the Lord with my children. I completely trust Him with me, with our finances, with our needs. I know that He is still good even when life isn't and if any one of the things I listed were to fail or be lost, I know that He will sustain me physically, emotionally and spiritually. But do I trust that He would still care for me and my boys if He were to decide that Ethan's days here on earth were done? Do I trust that He would care for my physical needs? Of course. Much harder, do I trust that He would bring someone into my sons lives to help guide them to godly manhood? Do I trust that He would fill the emotional void that would rock my world if Ethan were not here to be the first person I tell when I've heard a good joke, the first person I go to when I've had a rough day, the first person I want to see in the morning and the last person I want to see at night?

The answer is yes. Yes, I do believe that the Lord is my portion. I do believe that He has a plan and a purpose for my life and the lives of those around me. I do believe that He is big enough to fill the void if the number of Ethan's days were to be over soon. And I do believe that He is good. I expect to have many, many more days filled with enjoying the love of my life. I am not in any way saying, "Ok, God, since I know I trust you, you can take him tonight." I am saying however, that just as I had to come to a place where I realized that I trust God with my children, I also had to come to a point that I realize that I trust Him with my husband as well.

And since I have realized that I trust God with my husband, I have slept much more peacefully! I will save tomorrow's troubles for tomorrow and let tomorrow worry about itself. I'm going to enjoy every moment that I have with my family because worry only robs me of the joy of the time I spend with them.

absence makes the heart grow fonder?

2010-02-16T10:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,
It has been an insane couple of weeks and I have dreadfully missed blogging and journaling. To be a bit gross, I have described it to my hubby as being emotionally constipated. How do you work through the good, the bad, the crazy and the ugly when you are too tired to write? I long for a hot bubble bath, a good coffee, a great book, and some "figure it all out" time with my journal. Today the plumber will come and fix our stopped up pipes (thanks to a 2 yr old who thinks watching toys flush down the toilet is more enteretaining than tv.) Today I will call the doctor to get the love of my life taken care of. Hopefully more tests will show us what we are dealing with. I have so much on my plate that any moment it could tip over and spill everywhere, but for now the balancing act is still somewhat stable. In the midst of not being able to sort out my mind, I will settle for watching Barney with the 2 year olds and go boot shopping later. I have a Starbucks in my hand, my Bible on my lap and my fingers on my keyboard and I'm going to take care of me today. Hopefully my absence will not be long. Too much time away makes more to sort out than I can do in one page! I love and miss you, my dear blog and journal!
Love, Dawn

emotions are not bad

2010-02-12T00:33:00.000-07:00

Many things make me smile, a few things make me cry, a handful of things make me angry. The list goes on, so do the emotions. I have this to say today, no matter what range of emotions your are feeling, it isn't wrong to feel. God created every one of those emotions in you and He has felt them as well.

We were created in the image of a perfect God, created to commune with Him intimately. Created in the likeness of God is more than just looks (I know, difficult to grasp, isn't it?). Created in the image of God means that He created us to experience life WITH Him. He could have chosen the animals for companions, they have no emotions and cannot even comprehend them. He could have chosen the angels for companions but He wanted a deeper relationship. So He chose us, fragile, often crazy, highly emotional humans to be His companions, His friends, His children.

Often in Christianity we tend to only allow the good emotions to be felt. We bottle up the others assuming that they are not what God wants of us. Well, let me ask if you remember these times in Jesus' life. Lazerus had just died and when Jesus received word of the death, He wept. He was sad. When the temple was being used for everything but worshiping God, Jesus turned over the tables and made quite a scene. He was angry. He prayed in the garden that God would take the cup (of dying a horrific death to save us from the fires of hell) from Him. He was scared. He cried out from the cross in pain but His true agony came when he cried out, "Father, why have you forsaken me?" Jesus felt abandonment.

There is no emotion you are feeling today that God did not create. There is no emotion you are feeling that He hasn't felt. He knows happy, but we all assume He knows that. He also knows hurt and anger. The Bible never commands us to not get angry, it says, "In your anger, do not sin."(Psalm 4:4)

My youngest son tonight looked at my husband and said, "I'm mad at you, Daddy!" My husband smiled, hugged him and said, "That's ok. I still love you." It was that simple and yet so very profound. I thanked him for loving our children the way God loves us. Has any child in the history of existence not gotten mad at their parents? As children of God, are we any different? I'm glad my heavenly Daddy can say "That's ok and I still love you" when I tell Him I'm mad at Him.

Yes, much to the horror and dismay of some people, I tell God when I'm mad at Him. He's big enough to take it. And He still loves us even when we are mad. He gets it. And He comforts us even when we are upset or hurt. Feel your feelings. Feel the joy of the Lord being your strength. Feel the hurt when life is overwhelming. Feel the anger when life takes an ugly turn. Just don't sin while you are feeling the negative feelings. Denying that you have feelings is denying the Creator that made you in His image and made you for intimate friendship with Him.

In other words, being a Christian doesn't mean that you have an constant smile and never hurt. It means you serve a God big enough to handle it when you do hurt. It means He gives us grace to handle the yucky stuff too. It means He loves us enough to say, "That's ok. I still love you!"

debriefing

2010-02-06T23:59:00.000-07:00

My body wants to sleep, my brain wants to debrief. Since the laundry is still in the dryer, my brain wins and I will hopefully be able to sort some things out. Sorry if I ramble, I just need to sort right now. Now that I've given the disclaimer, I have to figure out where to start. It's been a long week.

Criticism. None of us like it. No one sits around and thinks, "Gee, I hope I get criticized today." The two hardest types of criticism (at least in my opinion) are 1. being criticized about my parenting and 2. being criticized by someone I love. Not gonna lie, I've had my share of both. I found myself rather angry recently. I found myself actually shouting my prayers that day. Hot angry tears fell from my eyes and I was grateful to be alone because I yelled my conversation with God. Let me clarify that I wasn't angry with God (this time), but He got the abuse I couldn't lash out on the critic. I'm so thankful He is big enough to handle it!

As I yelled and cried and pretty much threw a temper tantrum with God, I felt Him ask me whose opinion mattered, His or peoples. I responded with His and He once again asked me to pray for someone who I didn't want to pray for. I sometimes think adversity comes to me simply because the other person involved needs to be prayed for. That always seems to be the answer I get from the Lord when I complain about the actions or words of others. PRAY. Yep, that's the constant answer, just pray for them. One of my friends email signature says, "Be kinder than necessary because everyone is fighting their own battle." I don't WANT to be kind. I WANT to be angry. I want to yell and scream and lash out and let everyone know who hurt me and how. And my Savior gently says, "Pray for them. Your ranting won't change them, only I can."

Even worse is when He shows me that it isn't the other person that needs to change, it's the one driving down the road yelling at the top of her lungs at God. I still think, this time anyway, that I'm right. My feelings are still a little hurt. In the grand scheme of things though, I am lifting the other person and the situation up in prayer. And just so you know, even though I'm praying for the other person, I'm learning alot about me. I'm learning that the only person who can judge my heart (or the hearts of others), the only one whose opinion TRULY matters, is the Father's and it is His approval that I need to seek not the approval of others. Now to put it into practice.........
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Bullies. There is a student at my son's school that seems to have a bullying problem. I'm a little confused as to how this student achieves the bullying though with the teachers always thinking that the fault lies with the other student involved. It seems to never be the bullys fault, at least in the times I've witnessed. I'm sadly amazed at the level of manipulation that I see eminating from this 7 year old child.

Somehow this child has the teachers thinking that the other students all pick on this student not the other way around. I'm annoyed by it but don't really see how it is something I can actually change. I don't see all day in the classroom, only just over an hour once every week. I don't see enough to know if this behavior is consistent or just when I am around. I feel, maybe, a bit biased though because my son is one of the people this student likes to make fun of and my friends daughter is another person that this student seems to want to make life miserable for.

How do you handle bullying with your child? How do you teach your child it is ok to speak up for yourself and defend yourself while at the same time teaching your child the fruits of the spirit; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control? How do you teach your child to be Christ like and yet also teach your child that it is ok to get someone to help you when you can't handle a situation anymore? How do you simultaneously teach turning the other cheek and personal boundaries? Teaching my kids the alphabet is the easy part of this job; teaching them how to have healthy and godly relationships is much harder.
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I still have so many thoughts swirling around in my head but I am so very tired that I am starting to have trouble typing. I think I debriefed the main things on my heart though so until next time..........

ordinary

2010-01-24T22:45:00.000-07:00

I am currently reading through the book of Acts in my Bible. This evening I read a verse that jumped off the page at me. Acts 4:13 "When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus." (emphasis mine)

First, let me give you background into what had just happened. Peter and John had just healed a crippled beggar. I love that they take no credit for themselves. Chap 3:12 "Why do you stare at us as if by our own power or godliness we had made this man walk?" They knew the source of power, and they knew it was not themselves. Had they taken the credit, it would be like a lamp boasting about how bright it makes the room never crediting the outlet where the power to shed light originates.

They healed this man, then gave proper credit (3:16) that it was the name of Jesus and faith that comes from Him that actually healed this man. Of couse the religious leaders got their feathers a little ruffled by this point and brought Peter and John to a trial of sorts. In speaking before the leaders Peter is "filled with the Holy Spirit" and speaks bravely and passionately about Christ. And we see another aspect of the job of the Holy Spirit, he gave Peter courage to speak. I could go on but that is a blog for another day because it will derail me completely in what I'm focusing on now.

So that is the background to the verse I focused on. I was humbled as I read it over and over again. "When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus." The only thing extraordinary about these ordinary men was that they had been with Jesus.

It is so easy to think "How can God use me? I don't have a college degree, I've never been to seminary or taken Hebrew/Greek. I'm just ordinary." I know, I think it maybe a little too often. Here is what I love about God, He doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies those He has called. It isn't my knowledge or wisdom or talents that make God able to use me. It is spending time with Him and knowing that nothing is from me but it is all from the name of Jesus and the faith that comes through Him and then being willing to allow Him to use me.

My prayer is that when people spend time with me, they will, like the elders of the law did with Peter and John, take note that I have been with Jesus. I am thankful that even though I am unschooled and ordinary, my extrordinary God can still use me for His glory and His purpose.

like this everybody

2010-01-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

If you read my blog at all, you now know that Casting Crowns is my FAVORITE CD right now. Today my 2 year old cracked me up. The song "What If His People Prayed" came on in the car. In my rearview mirror I see my 2 yr old bobbing his head with enough force that I could possibly consider it head banging and shouts, "Do it like this everybody!" He then proceeded to scold his brother for not dancing along. The smile on his face was huge and he was loving grooving. It was soooooooooooo dang cute that I had to share it.

If God is really just.........

2010-01-19T00:38:00.001-07:00

Well, the good news is that my 7 pm cup of coffee kicked in allowing me to finish my MUST get dones. The bad news is that it didn't kick in till 10 pm and it is now nearly midnight and it's still kickin! I bought a new journal today and have enjoyed two full pages of it already so that leaves me to.... uhhh.... blogging, I guess.

It has been a tumultuous couple of weeks in which I have shed many tears with those I love. I have had news of 2 friends miscarrying in the end of the 1st trimester/beginning of 2nd trimester. I have had news of a dear friend's loss of her 14 yr old neice due to a terrible tradgedy. So much hurt around me, so much that seems senseless. And in the midst of lots of pain surrounding me, I still hold tightly to the fact that God is good even when life isn't.

I had this conversation recently. How does a loving, good, and just God allow senseless suffering? What justice is found in a 3 yr old with lukemia, a 5 yr dying of brain cancer, and pretty much any childhood disease? How is that just? Why doesn't God choose to stop it?

And do you know what? I had no answer for those questions. I cannot pretend to understand why my friends neice was killed, why my other friends son suffered and died of cancer, why my dear friends lost their babies before they were even born. As I was asked this, and as I realized that I had no satisfactory answer, I also realized that I still trust that God has us in the palm of His hand.

I can't explain the peace and the assurance that I felt. I was talking with a fellow believer but they were hurting and questioning as I was filled with peace. This person who I talked with was not even one of the people going through the pains that I have listed, just an onlooker. How do I convey my firm belief that God will fulfill His purpose for us, that He remains good and soviergn when life throws curve balls, and that He truly does care for every intimate detail of our lives?

I don't believe that God causes bad things to happen to us, but I do believe He allows them. I also believe that He can bring beauty from ashes, healing from pain, and sometimes sense to the senselessness of it all. My friend whose son died a year ago from brain cancer for instance, has had a huge piece of her life ripped away from her. Her son was diagnosed in late Nov and died in early Jan. That's not much time to fight for life and watch it be ripped away from you. In all of this she has been an amazing woman and has continually allowed God to work in her life. The type of cancer her son had was very rare and in 35 yrs no progress had been made in curing it. The samples of the tumor taken from her son when he died are the only living samples in the world of this particular cancer and the scientists studying it are for the first time ever making progress in understanding it and hopefully curing it.

Now my sweet friend has suffered greatly from her loss, and her son suffered greatly from his disease, but I see God bringing hope to a hopeless situation. His death may be the key to saving many other lives. That doesn't mean I rejoice in his death, it means that I see God "working all things together for good." God still works in the midst of devestation.

I can also say it in my own life. I have known hurt. Lots of hurts, deep hurts, secret hurts. I have seen God redeem so much of my own life as well. Just one example, when I was a junior in highschool, I was sexually assaulted by a friend of mine from school. Long story short, when everything was completely hopeless and I knew I stood no chance of walking away unharmed, I prayed in my head, "God, help me." Suddenly my attacker was standing frozen against the wall staring at me with the "what the heck is going on" look and I had the opportunity to run.

After this happened, I had a conversation with my mom. She was confused and angry. She said that every day she prayed that God would protect me and then He didn't protect me and I was literally seconds away from being raped. I however saw it differently. God DID protect me and though I was slightly hurt and very scared, I was able to get away from much greater hurt. I guess it is all in how you see it. She saw my hurt, I saw my salvation.

Maybe it isn't our God that needs to be re-evaluated, maybe it is our perspective. How do I explain that in the midst of the hurt around me, that I still know that God is good? How do I explain that I trust God and I know that even when pain strikes He is still there walking beside us? How do I convey that I believe that God never promised us smooth sailing, just a safe landing? He never promised to take away our suffering, only to never leave our side when we go through it. Can I really ask for anything more than that, than the knowledge that in the midst of my tears, He stays with me, comforts me, and calls me His own?

I wish that for a moment, this person could see life through my eyes. I wish they could experience firsthand the peace I walk in, and the "Blessed Assurance" that permeates my perspective. It would be so much easier to have this conversation if they could walk for an hour in my skin. Since that isn't possible, I will continue to believe that God has a plan even when I can't see it. I will continue to trust His heart when I can't trace His hand. I will continue to believe that God is good even when life isn't.. And I will pray that in His infinite grace God will help others to see His goodness through my life.

things that make me smile

2010-01-12T21:58:00.000-07:00

I want to journal but I'm going to settle for blogging instead. A friend of mine makes "like lists" on her blog. I decided to do the same but so as to not completely pirate it, mine will be a smile list :)

1. The way Joshy says, "Mmmm, it tastes like yummy!"

2. The Casting Crowns self title CD. I'm thankful that it is not a cassette because it would be close to worn out in just the last 2 months that I've owned it. I love the CD. There are songs for every mood. It can bring me to a place of worship, it can minister to my wounded heart, it is a love song from my savior, and it can convict me. Every day I have a new "favorite" song from that CD that I play over and over and over. Two of my kids are getting tired of it but I've caught my oldest singing along rather often.

3. I have friends in my life who encourage me to grow in my walk with the Lord, who care enough about me to hold me accountable and who care more about my eternal soul than my temporary comfort.

4. My new Beth Moore study that I will start as soon as I finish the book I am reading. The next 10 weeks could be interesting but I'm excited to see God continue to move in these particular areas of my life.

5. My new boxset of hardcover books that my husband bought me for Christmas. Dare I admit it? Yes, though I feel like a dork for saying it outloud, he gave me the Twilight books and I love the shiny new black hardcovers that are sitting on my headboard.

6. Drinking a glass of Maui Blanc while I snuggle up with a good book. I was just introduced to this wine by my friend and it is a pineapple wine made in Hawaii. It is a sweet white wine. I'm not a huge fan of really dry wine so this is perfect.

7. My oldest son, tonight thanked God for giving us a house to live in and asked God to provide for the poor people who cannot afford homes and food.

8. The last thing on my list tonight is that my dryer with the school and work clothes just buzzed so I can officially go to bed now!

just words?

2009-12-28T23:50:00.000-07:00

I have a few words I would like to say. The problem is that I don't need to say them. I was once again reminded today of an old conflict. Five years ago the words I want to say would have been riddled with bitterness and a desire to hurt this person with my words as much as they have hurt me with theirs over the years. Today the words I want to say are slightly different than the how I would have said them five years ago. Today the words I want to say I would hope would be more of an accountability issue, hopefully more to open the eyes of the offender to help them see how often and deeply they have offended. Well since my heart motives have changed, doesn't that make the words also now more acceptable?

I don't think so. I think palatable would be a better word than acceptable. I could easily convince most of mainstream America and a not too shabby portion of those in church authority that my words that are in my heart are now correct. Again, palatable but not acceptable.

See, I keep going back to this verse I have posted above my kitchen sink. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Eph 4:29.

The words I want to say may help me but I don't think they will help the person I want to say them to. It isn't unwholesome, but neither is it something that will benefit and build up that person.

Then I think back to highschool, memorizing the book of James. Chapter 3 deals with the tongue and how we handle it. vs 5 "Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." I am aware of how words hurt. Words have hurt me. Words from the person I wish to say my words have hurt me. But as the chapter continues in vs 9 "With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be."

I cannot praise my Father in heaven and yet curse this person who was made in the very image of the Father I so love!

It seems deserved. I could find a way to justify it, but that's all it would be, a justification. I would blab my mouth and for an instant feel better, but then would feel horrible for the manner in which I spoke, a manner I know would be unpleasing to my Redeemer.

Or what about when the Psalmist said "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer." (ps 19:14.) The Word of God is very clear that the words that come out of our mouths are vitally important. And not just the words, but the meditations of our hearts. "For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." (Luke 6:45)

I have words stored up in my heart. It is only a matter of time before those words spill from out of my heart to my lips. Right now, I reign in my tongue. I know my words will bring more hurt not the restoration that I long for. And right now, I wait on the Lord. I will put my trust in Him. I will bring my heart issues before Him and allow Him to deal with them.

As I wait on Him, I pray that the meditations in my heart will be pleasing to Him. I pray that He will remove the yucky and leave me with a pure heart. And until the day that my words are going to be beneficial to build up this person, I will hold my tongue. I may end up going to eternity with my tongue still held. I don't know.

Maybe someday the day will come when this person could hear the words I feel. Likely not though. Maybe someday the Lord will bring change to that persons heart as He has done mine, when my words would actually bring accountability and restoration. Now is not that time.

Now I must continue to keep my heart bowed before a holy and righteous God, that my heart does not harbor unforgiveness or bitterness. I must continue to renew my mind with His word daily so that the motives of my heart remain pure. And I must reel in my tongue and not give it permission to rattle off everything inside my brain. It's not easy sometimes, but it's worth it in the long run.

This relationship has been damaged enough by words, words spoken by both of us involved. There is no need to further the pain and separation by speaking words that will be neither uplifting, beneficial or healing.

God help me to glorify you with my words, my thoughts and my actions! It is only through your grace that I have any ability at all.

crevices

2009-12-20T01:58:00.000-07:00

Today has been a fun, relieving, emotional, weird day. I've gotten a lot done around the house which I guess is good since I really don't have any motivation to do it. I got to go out by myself this afternoon, another good thing and much needed. Then tonight we had date night and I realize it's been way too long since we have had one of those. Our conversation was great and much needed. My conversation with our babysitter afterwards was also much needed for both of us. But all of this has been very emotionally draining and now I am physically and emotionally tuckered out. I always think it is weird that when you talk about the crevices of your heart that you end up emotionally exhausted afterward. Seems to me it should be the other way around. Holding it all in should exhaust you not getting it all out in the fresh air. Well alot got out in the fresh air today and I'm now officially ready for a break. It was a rough day and yet a fulfilling day, such a strange combination. Now I'm off to go rest in the Lord's arms and let Him renew my strength. How do people do this craziness of life and hurts without the renewal and peace the Holy Spirit brings? Tonight I'm grateful that both my Savior and my husband are completely acceptant of me despite fact that I feel like I'm damaged goods. Thank you Jesus that my baggage has never stopped you from loving me, nor has it ever stopped my husband from loving me. I'm awed by both of those facts.

worship

2009-12-18T00:27:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is MOPS and our craft is a snowflake/star type of ornament. I'm excited about this craft because it is where my heart is now. I just finished printing up the verse for it, Matthew 2:2 "We saw his star in the east and have come to worship him." At this season it is so important to remember that we are called to worship. Worship our King. Bow my heart in worship before the great King of the Universe. I'm excited to share for a brief moment about worship as we introduce this craft.

Worship. David worshipped. He was a man after God's own heart. He worshiped at the expected times, when God had showed His faithfulness and when a victory had been won. He also worshiped when his life was falling apart and he was in the deapths of dispair. It seems so much more difficult to worship during those difficult times. It is so much more difficult to praise the God of creation when you are struggling emotionally, spiritually, physically, relationally or finiancially and yet it is what we are called to do.

John 4:23-24 "For the time is coming and has now come, when the true worshipers will worship in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."

It isn't always easy to worship the Lord. Often times for me it is a conscious effort. Actually I love to worship more than any other part of my walk with God but I sometimes, recently often, have to consciously immerse myself in worship in order to worship the Lord. Does that make sense? This has been a VERY rough year for me in many ways. I don't exactly feel like worshiping the Lord when I am struggling. Yet when I surround myself with worship, worship comes freely and quickly from my heart and from my mouth. I daily have a choice, either I will be overtaken by my circumstances and emotions and will allow them to wedge between me and my Savior or I will come before Him, broken though I may be, and worship and adore Him.

Our God alone is worthy of my praise and adoration. He alone is holy. He alone deserves my utmost attention. He alone captures my heart. He alone brings healing to my hurts. And because He is worthy, and because He is holy, and because He is soveriegn, I will choose daily to praise Him. On the days when it is more difficult than others, I put on worshipful music and allow the music to usher me into His presence. It is hard to see the waves threaten to drown you when you stare into the eyes of the One who can calm the storm. Trusting in His grace and mercy when the waves around you threaten to drown you, reaching out to Him when it seems impossible, focusing on Him instead of the storms of life is one of our greatest acts of worship. So today think about this, what are your focusing your attention on? The thing that captures your heart is what you worship; is it Jesus or is it you? My prayer is that my heart will continually be captured by Jesus, that He is the one I will worship. I know how easy it is to look at the storm around me but I can choose to focus on the One who calms the storm and choose to worship Him instead of me.

Casting Crowns, Edward Cullen and me

2009-12-16T14:10:00.002-07:00

What a crazy title, and how on earth do they correlate? I know, I know, but it makes more sense than you think. My very favorite CD right now is the Casting Crowns self title. Every song on there ministers to me immensely. Two weeks ago I listened to Voice of Truth and Who am I nonstop. The past couple of days the song I cannot let go of is Your Love is Extravagant. The lyrics are so powerful.

Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel I'm moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in the secret place
Cause Your love is extravagant

Chorus:
Spread wide in the arms of Christ there's a love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known; You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again

Now how on earth does that have ANYTHING to do with Edward Cullen? Well, both the song and the books have ministered to me a lot. I am at a place in my life right now where I need to be loved extravagantly. Wasn't Edward extravagant in his love for Bella? Wasn't his scent intoxicating to her? Wasn't he willing to die to protect her? And wasn't it only because of Edward's grace that Bella looked graceful? That is how I am seeing Christ right now. His love is so extravagant towards me. He actually did die to protect me from the fires of hell. His frangrance is intoxicating. And the only beauty and gracefulness in me is because of His grace. There was so much in the Twilight books that pointed me back to my first love, my Savior. I know people think I'm crazy but I just kept seeing it. We are told that the Lord is radiant to those who look on Him, that our human eyes cannot handle His beauty. I couldn't help but for a moment, to think of Jesus as "sparkling". What will it be like when we finally see Jesus in the fullness of His light and see His beauty and majesty? I think it will be like Bella seeing Edward in the light for the first time, except a zillion times more breathtaking, of course. I know I sound like one of those Twilight obsessed teenagers that 2 months ago I was making fun of but I never thought that I'd read the books and think of Jesus as I read them. Who would think that a book about a vampire/werewolf/human love triangle could make you think of things eternal? I certainly didn't think that! There were a lot of other things in that series than those that I've mentioned here that brought me to thinking of Christ but right now the one I'm focusing on is this, Christ's love for me is extravagant in every way and His beauty is unfathomable! At a time where I am in desperate, desperate need of extravagant love, I was reminded once again of where it is found. I won't fault the source; I'll just be thankful that the Lord continually reminds me of how much He loves, adores and cares for me!

whew (a follow up to wham)

2009-12-14T00:48:00.001-07:00

The Lord has really been at work in my life recently and I feel very strongly that I'm supposed to tell this story. Please bear with me though, it's been a difficult journey and one I have only RARELY discussed in 15 yrs and never in any detail. Actually I have not discussed it at all in at least 10 yrs. So take a deep breath, maybe grab a tissue, and read on only if you agree to the terms and conditions listed: this is a painful story for me so it may be a painful blog, God has done amazing things in my life over the last 2 months but I know He is not done with me yet so please be patient, please keep any judgement or criticism in your head and feel free to NOT share it with me, and last, this may be long but I'm not really sure yet so sorry if it is too long. Did you just mentally check the agree box? If so then read on, if not feel free to read some of my lighter posts.

When I was 17 I had a job where I was the only woman. I enjoyed having the corner on the market as far as attention went. All the guys paid attention to me but not in a weird way (usually). I had never been the girl ANY guy wanted to talk to so it was fun to have a couple who flirted with me and a couple who joked around with me, and a couple who took care of me like a little sister. Unfortunately though, I had a boss who was not one of those guys. He was twice my age, married and had 2 kids (one being a newborn.) It started with some lack of personal space when he would be near me, making up reasons to be near me, reaching across me a little closely to get something. Then it moved on to whipping the towel at my butt and untying my apron strings. Soon it became following me into the walk in freezer where he would make advances on me and often touch me. Let me restate that I was 17 and this was my first job. I was mortified by his behavior but had no idea how to stop it because he was my boss. By the time things got to this level I was no longer the only girl and the other girl despised me for what I was allowing so I didn't even have another person who I could talk to and who could help me out of the situation. One day I was asked by one of the guys when I became a homewrecker. I was confused and had no idea what he was talking about. He then revealed that *Fred's * (name changed) wife had just had their 2nd baby earlier that week. I was devestated. Not only were there things going on that I was ashamed of and didn't know how to stop, but there was a family involved too. I felt like vomiting. I finally got up enough nerve at that point to yell at Fred. I screamed like I've never screamed before. How could you do this to your wife? How could you try to seduce me when you have a family? How come you're so sick in the head to think what you're doing is ok? And how come you chose me?

A few days passed, the attentions didn't stop but I felt even worse than before. I felt dirty and used and hated my job but was afraid to say anything. I quit my job. The day I came in to get my final paycheck, he was there. He followed me out and tried to talk to me. I kept walking. Fred then grabbed my shoulders and forced me to turn around to see him. He kissed me so roughly that it actually hurt. He then slammed me against my car, threatened me and behaved very lewdly. As I cried he asked why I was crying because he said it was obvious that I liked what he was doing. I've never in my life felt so ashamed as I did that day.

For years I had nightmares about that day. I dreamed that he would hunt me out and tell me horrible things and then the whole scene would replay in my dream. It never mattered in my dream what else was going on in my life. It wasn't always the same but it always ended the same and I always woke up crying and screaming. When my husband and I were dating, I would go over to his house after work and we would watch a movie. I cannot tell you how many times I fell asleep during the movie and Ethan would have to wake me up because I was thrashing and screaming. He would stoke my hair and comfort me though he didn't know exactly what he was comforting. The dreams continued until we had been married about a year. It wasn't a sudden stop to the dreams, they just happened with less frequency and less frequency until they stopped completely.

I haven't thought about this situation really much at all since the nightmares stopped. Then it happened. My husband mentioned a movie that I saw at the time all of this was going on. Should have been safe, we have watched the movie several times together, but it wasn't safe. His comment triggered a flood of memories that literally took my breath away, and not in the good way! That night I had the nightmare again. That night I sobbed so uncontrollably that when Ethan woke me he was worried because I still couldn't stop sobbing. The next night I was afraid to sleep. I coffeed up all day just to make sure. I reasoned with myself. I said, "It was only a dream. He isn't really here and he can no longer hurt you." Then myself argued back, "Since he can only hurt me in my sleep and not in reality then I must not sleep so that he cannot hurt me again." For 2 weeks I fought sleep like I haven't done in years. I drank more coffee in each day than I ever have in a day in 11 yrs of marriage. And I did not sleep. By the time I would fall asleep I was crashing from sheer exhaustion and was too tired to dream. My plan was working, he couldn't hurt me.

But my spirit was aching and the Holy Spirit kept gently chiding me that I was abusing my body, His temple. I knew that the Lord wanted to bring healing but I was too hurt to open up the wound to allow it. I finally reached out to two different friends who are Godly and I trust to actually pray when they say they will pray and asked them to pray over my sleep. That night I forced myself to my bedroom because I knew I couldn't disobey the Lord any longer in how I was treating my body. I'm not going to lie though, I was terrified as I got dressed for bed. What if he haunted my dreams again? Right before I laid down the Casting Crowns song "Voice of Truth" started going through my head. It wasn't the entire song, just the part that says, "But the voice of truth tells me a different story, and the voice of truth says DO NOT BE AFRAID." The song continued to play through my head the entire night of sleep and for the first time in weeks I woke up having slept soundly and peacefully.

Once I started sleeping I was able to realize something about the latest dream that exhaustion had previously blinded me to. Always in the past my emotions in my dream were fear, anger and shame. This time my feelings were sad. In my dream I wept, "Why did he hurt me?" but I never felt angry, afraid or ashamed. Just overwhelmingly hurt, lonely, confused and abandoned. The Lord showed me that I had never allowed myself to grieve over any of it and that grief is natural and acceptable. So I grieved. Thank you to those of you who put up with me when for that week when I could cry at the drop of a pin and had no desire to converse with anyone! I was grieving.

Then immediately after that, a friend posted on facebook "What kind of a man pretends to be single so he can date while his wife takes care of their 2 month old baby at home?" I commented that I had once been the unknowing "other woman" and at that point realized that I had a lot of misplaced guilt going on. Until I said that, I had no realization that I felt incredibly guilty for being the "other woman", for being the woman who broke up a family (even if the wife never found out, I knew and Fred knew and everyone we worked with knew.) As I worked through that I was amazed at the amount of freedom there was in letting go of that guilt. What happened was not my fault, not deserved, not in any way acceptable. If I knew then what I know now it would have never gone as far as it did, but my fault in it was not knowing it was ok to tell someone and get help. My fault was one of fear and ignorance, not intentions of causing harm. My fault simply was that I was too young and naive to know that what was happening was not my fault, not brought on in any way by me and also illegal.

So as I said at the beginning, I know God is not done with me but I am amazed at the amount of healing He has brought my heart in the past months. I am not really sure why I shared this story because I have only shared it with this amount of detail once. I actually had something much different on my mind to blog about but felt so strongly that I was to share this that I actually deleted an entire paragraph and started over with this. I feel incredibly vulnerable and yet I still feel like I am supposed to share this. Yikes, that's letting A LOT hang out there!

So here is what I've learned in this. I'm not perfect, actually far from it, but I trust God and know that He is good and He has a plan for my life. I know that He redeems the years the locust have taken, and in my case it has been literally years. I know also that He knows the right timing to bring up the things (and often in very random ways like the mention of a movie or a facebook post) that He wants to deal with in my heart. I know that He will not dredge things up and then leave me alone to try to cope and figure things out. I know that He is with me every step of the way and on the steps that are too hard to make, He gently carries me through until the time when I can make the step. I could not have possibly worked through the grief part years ago when I was working through the anger and fear. At that point I was so blinded by anger that I didn't even feel the full extent of the hurt. God is faithful and He knows when we can handle what He is going to walk us through. He will never give us more than we can bear, and He is faithful to always walk with us when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

my Christmas tree

2009-12-10T23:16:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about Christmas trees a lot this week. It started on Monday when I went to a wonderful Christmas party with my fellow MOPS steering members. Amy's tree was imposible to not be awed by. It towered in her living room, gorgeous and perfect. It was decorated with red and silver and huge ornaments that flowed with the theme and precious moments figurine ornaments. I have to say how impressive and beautiful it was because I don't want my thoughts about my tree to sound weird or judgemental. On her tree attached to a strand of garland were several ornaments clustered together in one spot that her son had put on the tree. Like the wonderful mom that she is, she didn't move any of them so that her son's feelings wouldn't be hurt. This brought on a conversation about trees and who decorates and how they are decorated. Amy wants a theme, but it fits her. Another woman said that her husband someday wants a themed tree. Then I started thinking about how once I got married and moved out my parents tree is more themed and less hodge podge. I wondered if someday when my children are grown and it's just me and Ethan once again cuddling by the light of our Christmas tree, if I will also want a theme to my tree. Will I ever be content with plain white lights? I think its beautiful on other trees but not on mine.

I want color, and lots of it. I love the glow from my strands of colored lights hanging loosely on my prelit (white lights) tree. My ornaments? Well, I have a couple with pictures of my kids that they made in preschool. I have a couple of "Our 1st Christmas" ornaments that are seeing their 12th time on our tree this year. I have one from Mt. Rushmore where we went on vacation last year. One with 5 black bears paddling a boat with each of our names on an oar that Ethan and I got in Manitou Springs when we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. Then there are the ones my mom gave us last year, one that has a little boy holding a sign that says "Oldest child, Mom's favorite" and of course "Middle child, Mom's favorite" and "Youngest child, Mom's favorite." We have a Bronco squirrel sitting on a football, my boys first Christmas ornaments and even my first Christmas ornament that my Grandmother gave me when I was a born. Ornaments that Ethan's grandma, who has since passed on, gave us on our 1st Christmas. I could go on but I think you get the point and probably too good of a visual on my little tree. Some of it is cluttered because the kids decided that all of the Spongebob character ornaments should be close to each other so they are all weighing down one branch. :) But it is my tree and it fits me as well as Amy's tree fits her.

I cannot imagine the loss I would feel to get rid of those ornaments and trade them in for a theme. I know, dorky, right? I mean it's just decorations, right? Not to me, to me it is a reflection of me. I have countless fond memories of each of our ornaments. Decorating my tree is also reminicsing for me. I am a haphazard person. I love to do things as the mood hits me. I make last minute plans for coffee or the zoo. I would much rather be taking care of people and relationships than my house. I am spontaneous. I think for me, the day my tree is matching and perfect is when I resign who God designed me to be and take on who I want others to see me as. This isn't true of everyone, it's true of me. I'm not perfect, I don't have it all together and truth be told, I don't know if I really want to have it all together. I love my Christmas tree, it speaks volumes about me and my family and our life. I think that even when I am old and gray and don't HAVE to put up preschool made ornaments, I think it's still the tree I'll want, bright and colorful and full of memories!

iron stomach, or maybe not

2009-12-02T10:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got a call from the nurse at my son's school saying that he had thrown up all over the place and I needed to come and get him. When I arrived at the school and walked into the nurses office I saw my 7 yr old son looking anything but sick and talking with everyone. I laughed. The nurse apologized for having to call me, "He's not running a fever or anything just it's school policy to have them go home!" Again I laughed and assured her I was not upset with having to pick him up. I was thinking maybe virus since a lot of people we know have recently had a quick stomach virus that involved vomiting. He never threw up again and has still not run a fever so I was wondering about the virus theory. Here is the hysterical part, during dinner last night my son very animatedly relayed this story.

"At lunch my friend and me made a new lunch. We both had apple sauce so we mixed them together together and then my friend put some of his chicken noodle soup in it. I added my cheese and peanut butter crackers and then someone else added some fruit and veggies. All the boys were chanting, 'eat! eat! eat!' and the girls were like 'ewww, gross'. It was really funny."

"So who ate it then, Son?"

"Well me and my friend did because it was mostly our food. It really grossed out all the girls!"

Recess is immediately after lunch and recess is where he puked his guts out. Maybe the virus theory might have been a little bit off ;-) maybe his choice of lunch foods might have played a bigger part in his throwing up! I have laughed so many times thinking about it. He is home from school today just in case but I think he is perfectly fine!

breathtakingly beautiful

2009-11-29T23:07:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up and as I climbed out of bed, I thought, "Today I want to be breathtakingly beautiful." I settled on jeans and a blue t-shirt because, well because that's what I always wear. Nothing breathtaking about that, on to the mirror. The past couple of weeks have given me not nearly enough sleep and the circles are starting to form under my eyes. Well, there goes the beautiful part too. Dang it! I wanted to be breathtakingly beautiful and was going to spend my day as Plain Jane instead. I laughed today at church when our pastor briefly touched on the verses of a womans beauty not coming from outward adornments and thought of how many times Ethan and I have seen someone who should have been GORGEOUS but their attitude was so poor that they were no longer even pretty. I found great irony in hearing about that just an hour and a half after I had hoped to have a breathtakingly beautiful day. I told my husband about the whole thing when he got home from work, of how I dreamed of being breathtakingly beautiful today. He tenderly smiled, cupped my face in his hands and ever so gently said, "What do you mean by today?" My heart filled with joy. I may see the jeans, t-shirts and dark circles but he doesn't. I may not see either of these things when I look in the mirror, muchless both but my husband does see me as both breathtaking and beautiful. I don't feel it, and I don't understand it but Ethan loves me and thinks I'm beautiful! That's enough for me. It doesn't matter if everyone else sees me as plain or even if it is true. It matters that my husband says I'm breathtakingly beautiful, and for a few minutes then I actually FELT like it as well!

the big hype about Twilight

2009-11-16T23:01:00.000-07:00

I'm not a fan of vampires, at all, ever. So why would I want to read a book about a vampire and human who fall in love? As the craze swept over everyone I knew, I chuckled and wondered what was the big deal about these teenage fantasy books. Over the summer some of my friends, who might I add were the least likely in my mind to "fall for" these vampire books, started raving over how addicting they were. That peaked my curiosity a bit but not enough to pursue it any further. I passed the books several times and almost bought them but found that I was really more curious in the reason for the hype than in the books themselves and couldn't justify spending money on books for that reason. Finally it has happened. With the second movie about to start in the theater, there is very little conversation I can have with any female that does not at some point touch on the subject of Twilight. I was even invited to a girls night out to see the movie. I'm a big fan of read the book first so in order to attend girls night out, I must read these ridiculous books. I borrowed them from a friend and have been warned over and over that once I start I will not stop. Again I smiled and wondered how it could possibly be so addictive. This weekend I read the first book, Twilight and I have to admit I was a bit surprised.

I expected an easy fairly mindless read with a hint at highschool romance. That doesn't exactly sound terrible right now, something light to take my mind off of the other things racing to claim its attention first. Here is what I did NOT expect, a well written, fluid book. I was wrong! The author Stephenie Meyer did an absolutely beautiful job of writing this book! The descriptions were long enough to give a vivid mental picture of everything, Forks, Bella's truck, Charlie's house, the school, the forest, Bella's friends, and yes even Edward. The descriptions were not though overbearing as I have read in some books, they were just the right amount. I was told that the first couple of chapters were slow and to hang in there until she is around Edward with frequency. I didn't really find them to be too slow to hold my attention though. I found myself wanting to read on to know why Bella had moved to Forks, WA when she hated the cold and rain. Meyer did a fabulous job of bringing you into Bella's mind and emotions. (For those of you who haven't read it and plan to, I will give nothing away that ruins the story, I promise!) There were times when Bella looked at Edward and found it difficult to remember to breathe and I found myself occasionally holding my own breath during those times. I realized that in some odd way, I felt as though I could relate to Bella, as though the story were mine and not hers.

I was astounded to find that this was an easy read but not exactly a mindless read. I was so captured by the writing style that Meyer has that I could barely put the book down. I did decide that the book would still be there when the football game was over and tried to set it aside but found myself picking it back up at every commercial break. If it is actually possible that there is anyone who is reading my blog who has NOT read Twilight (I kinda feel like having not read them, I was the last of a dying breed with how many people I know who are obsessed!) I will tell you this about the book; chapter 13, "Confessions" is a fabulous chapter that answers many of the questions you will have built up from earlier in the book. I reccomend reading that chapter when you won't be interrupted. I read it in 3 parts and it was the only chapter that I really felt annoyed to have to stop for a while. The other thing I will tell you is the where the "point of no return" is. Do not read about the baseball game (chapter 17) unless you plan to finish the book that day! I was up till midnight because I could not put the book away until I knew how everyone would fare after that point. One more thing, don't read the teaser for book two, New Moon, unless you have it right in front of you and can start reading it! I was too tired to read the teaser (which consists of the prologue and 1st chapter of New Moon) and I'm glad of it! Today I started New Moon and by the end of the 1st chapter the action has started in full force! I understood after reading it why so many people said they had to go buy the next book the very moment that they finished the first!

All in all, I am enjoying the books way more than I imagined I could. They are intriguing, with just enough mystery to make you want to keep reading and just enough romance to make you smile and sigh "that" sigh. I will say that I am glad of the warm safe arms of my husband to curl up into. Edward stirs those romantic feelings that women tend to get and I love knowing that I am not looking for my "Edward" but that he is sleeping just one room over! ;-) Now, enough of this book review! I'm over a hundred pages into New Moon and have to wait for the dryer to be done so I'll be waiting with the book in my hand not here on the computer!

Friday the 13th and other silly things......

2009-11-13T22:59:00.000-07:00

I'm not superstitous, in the least. The closest I get to a superstition is that people do tend to get a bit goofy during the full moon (I've seen it happen more times than I can count when I worked retail.) So that said and prefaced to those of you who are indeed superstitious, you now know the angle I'll be taking in this blog! My question is this, who decided Friday the 13th is an UNlucky day? I get it that some people think 13 is an unlucky number. I have been in buildings that "skip" the 13th floor and pleanty of other nonsense about the number 13. But really? Why isn't every 13th unlucky by those standards? Why single out poor Friday? Friday, the end of most peoples work week, the end of the school week, the day that ushers in the weekend! I mean really, let's think about this for a moment. I would dread it a lot more if it were Monday the 13th. Doesn't that sound scarier? Hey, if your Friday is awful, who cares it is the weekend next. You are done and can relax. But to have a bad Monday, oh Heaven help me! A bad Monday means there are still 4 more days left of the week that you have to stumble through. I could care less about Friday the 13th. It's just another day as far as I'm concerned. But if ever the theory extends to a Monday, I might be more hesitant about taking part in THAT day. Lesson to be learned: Mondays are waaaaaay scarier than Fridays! :0)

Ft Hood and my kids

2009-11-10T22:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday as we drove to school I started talking to my 7 yr old about Veteren's Day coming up on Wed. We discussed what a veteren is and who we know who is a veteren and why we are thankful to them. It was a pleasant and fairly uneventful conversation. The one that followed though rocked me.

When we arrived at school the boys noticed the flag was half mast. My children know what a half mast flag means, they have for over a year. So the 4 yr old asks, "Mommy, why is that flag part way down?" I replied with what I usually have to say when we see it like that, "Because some soliders died, Honey." My kids being as observant as they are remembered that the flag was down last week for the same reason and asked, "AGAIN!?" I replied with, "No, guys, this is for the same soliders as last week." Again my boys are super observant and they know that usually when I answer that the flag is half mast because a solider died, the flag is usually flying regular the next day. I watched them starting to process it while we waited for our turn in the school drop off line. Suddenly my 7 yr old asks, "Did they die in Afganistan or Iraq, Mommy?" Again, I am open and honest with my kids about the WONDERFUL AND AMAZING AND SACRIFICAL job that our military does. We don't personally know anyone in Afganistan but we know of people there like a friends husband and another friends step son and my cousin is stationed in Iraq. We pray for them regularly and so the boys, particularly the 7 yr old is aware of the danger and the job. But back to my story.

After thinking for a moment if it was too much to share I answered his question. "No, Son, they died here in America on a military base in Texas." Quiet filled my car and then the question that rocked my day, "Mom, how did they die?" Thoughts flooded my mind as I quickly processed if I should answer that or not. Finally I said as tears welled up in my eyes, "Um, another solider killed them." The 7 yr old looked sad and slightly confused, the 4 yr old gasped loudly and said, "Was it a bad guy, Mom?" At this point we are the next car in line for drop off so I told my kids that I wanted to answer their questions but I wanted to give them the time and attention that they deserved for it so I promised them that I would answer any questions they had to the best of my ability after school. My oldest got out and walked into school and I said a silent prayer that God would give me wisdom to know what to share.

The rest of the day was uneventful. The 4 yr old completely forgot the mornings conversation and never brought it up again. I was shocked however when we pulled up at the school to pick up in the afternoon and my 2 yr old pointed to the flag and said, "Oh no! Solider die, Mommy. Sad." I thought for sure the 4 yr old would immediately pounce on that comment and start rattling off questions again but he didn't. No one mentioned it all evening long. I kinda thought that they had maybe forgotten. While I do think it is important to answer their questions, I also don't think that I need to direct their attention to it either, so I waited and said nothing.

Evening comes, I got the 2 yr old to bed with no issue, then got the 4 yr old to bed with no issue. As I think I'm about to get the 7 yr old to bed with no issue, he climbs up in my lap and says, "Mom, did that solider who killed the other soliders do it on purpose or on accident?" Deep breath, quick prayer and then I answered, "It was on purpose." More thinking and a very concerned look and he asks, "But why? Why would one solider kill another solider? Why did he do that?" The best way I could think to explain was to tell him that the solider was sick in his brain and he finally snapped and went crazy. The conclusion my son came to amazed me. He said, "Mom, I think that maybe he had been to another war and his brain got sick there and he was afraid to go to war again." How is it that my 7 yr old got that when few adults do?!? Now granted his was a rather imaginative way that the guys brain got sick, something along the lines of a bug crawling into his brain and laying eggs or something like that, but nonetheless, he got the concept.

The conversation ended with me telling him that there are more good people in the world than bad people. Yes there are bad people and people who do bad things but there are many more good people than bad people. He got very excited at this news and told me that means that the good guys will always win the wars if there are more good guys than bad. While not completely true, I loved his little boy logic! We discussed once again that God is good even when life is bad and then he went to bed with absolutely no issues.

As a mom, I so wanted to shield him from it all. I wanted to pretend that it never happened so that he wouldn't need to worry about it. I know though that burying my head in the sand will not make their questions go away. They are going to hear bits and pieces and I cannot possibly shield them from everything. Since I cannot shield them, I want them to get the information from me, told with grace and compassion rather than from the newscast or school. It was a difficult conversation, much more so for me than for my sons, but it was needed and important to them. Sometimes it sucks to know that I need to answer their questions to the best of my ability and in an age appropriate manner. Sometimes it sucks to feel so strongly unanswered questions don't go away, they just get bigger. And sometimes it sucks to have to tell my children hard truths. Thankfully I survived this one! Prayerfully, I'll survive the next one!

WHAM

2009-11-05T22:52:00.001-07:00

Have you ever had something emotionally smack you upside the head? Soemthing that you had no idea was lurking around the corner and then BOOM it knocks you over? I had that happen last week. My darling husband brought up a movie that is now 15 years old. Should have been a safe bet, right? I mean we have watched that movie several times together and it isn't the movie itself that makes me feel icky. But when Ethan mentioned that it has been 15 yrs since it was in the theater, the wham hit me. I remember the night I saw it. I remember the friend I saw it with. And most importantly and uncomfortably I remember WHY I went to see it. I went to see it because I had been told it was a bit of a tear jerker and I desperately needed to cry that night. The movie did not move me to tears as I had hoped it would that night. It was ok, you see, if I cried over a movie, a work of fiction, but for some reason I couldn't let myself cry over the circumstances in my life that were bringing me such pain. I went through counseling a few years later but when this one came up, I mentioned it very briefly and in as little detail as possible. I diverted everything a different direction but I didn't realize that I had done it. I haven't thought about it much over the last 15 yrs that have passed and I guess I thought I had come to a reconciliation (for lack of a better word) in my heart toward the situation. wham, I guess I was wrong! The emotions hit me so hard, that for a moment I felt as though I couldn't breathe. I have spent the last couple of days pondering this and what I need to do next. Tonight I read my friends blog (which you can read by clicking here) and it brought me to tears because it is exactly where I am now. I find peace in the arms of my Father and yet I still feel the pain of this situation when I am directed towards it. I don't feel angry or bitter towards the people involved; does that mean that there has indeed been some reconciliation in my heart? Years ago the memory of this prompted anger that those of you who know me would find it difficult to fathom of me. Yet now it doesn't prompt anger, just hurt and discomfort. As I type this I realize that the hurt isn't what it was. There has been some healing there. Now I need to hand this to the Father and let Him work in my heart and bring the healing and wholeness that He desires. I don't think it sounds as difficult as it did when I first started writing. He is faithful and He is good!

only in Colorado

2009-10-30T21:05:00.000-06:00

Tuesday night at midnight we were under winter storm warning. While the warning didn't start till midnight, the snow started early in the evening and by 9:30 it was starting to cover the grass. Wednesday morning I awoke to more snow and no school. Thursday it continued to dump snow on us. It was roughly a foot and a half of snow in 2 days. Then today, school was back in session. The main roads at 7:30 am were wet but not bad. The side roads were a little slick still though. The sun was shining and by 11:30 am I had shed my coat and was comfortable in my long sleeve tee shirt. I even cracked the windows on the way home from the grocery store (the high was high 40's today). By the time I left to get Will from school the snow was completely melted from my driveway and probably 10 inches or less left on my grass. Only in Colorado can we have a dumping of well over a foot of snow for 2 whole days and then the next day it is beautiful and halfway melted!!!!!!! So we may not get a true fall but we do get 60 degree days in January sometimes so I guess I'll concede that it balances out. The boys loved the snow and 2 days of no school. I love that it is melting quickley so that driving will not stay messy for long!

sleep where for art thou?

2009-10-30T02:18:00.000-06:00

It is nearly 2 am and I am awake blogging. I'm exhausted, but here I sit on my computer. I should be in bed. I have to wake up in just over 4 hrs. The thought of how tired and coffee dependent I will be tomorrow is torturous and should have driven me to the comfort of my warm bed hours ago. Yet here I am, once again avoiding sleep. Back in the day I used to avoid sleep too, but for a different reason. Then I had horrific nightmares that happened more often than not. They were terrifying and I would wake up crying and shaking and sometimes screaming. The nightmares finally stopped about a year after I got married and I slept like I had never slept before. Then I had kids. No nightmares, just late night feedings and middle of the night feedings. They finally learned to sleep through the night and once again I slept beautifully. I refuse to say I slept like a baby. For anyone who has ever been awake every 2 hrs to feed a newborn, you understand my aversion to this statement. Baby's DON'T sleep that wonderfully!!!!!!!! So over the last 10 months or so, I find myself avoiding sleep again. I'm sure that some part of it is that when everyone else is in bed, I finally get to take off the mom and wife hat and let myself be Dawn. I love sitting in the quiet of my house when I am responsible for no needs. So on one hand, I do enjoy talking to long lost friends on facebook, reading everyone's blogs and writing in my own blog. On the other hand, my eyes are drooping pretty badly right about now and I'm wondering what I'm still doing awake. Why am I dreading going to sleep? I need to be in bed before Ethan's alarm goes off at 2:20. I'll get scolded if I'm not. I have so much on my mind. I cannot think and process it all during the busy daylight hours and so that leaves only these late night hours to process everything my brain is thinking. I think I hear Ethan's footsteps overhead, I may already be in trouble. It has been a rough couple of months. I am feeling like I can tackle life again but I just need to absorb everything that I've not had the emotional or physical energy to process these past couple of months. How do I do that? I am finding myself hungry for soul friendships. I have several so it's not that I am looking for new ones. It is just that I am craving that time with friends who know me to my core and don't judge me and who encourage me. And I want that time when I don't have to separate 3 boys fighting, or deal with poor attitudes or make dinner or change a pullup or make someone pick up some mess, or in our house I hear myself say a little too often "Flush the toilet and put the seat back down!" I want that quality time with a kindred spirit that does not involve my whole family of 5. So I find myself here. I read blogs of people dear to me and feel like I am a part of their lives even though I know they have no idea I read their blogs. Tonight I discovered that some read my blog as well for a sense of belonging in my life and I also never knew. So we still know so much about one another, feel like years or miles never separated us, feel like we can still hold each others hearts, and yet neither one knows that the other feels the same way. It's a lonely way to have dear friends! How is it possible that I have 2 friends that I talked to today who I think about and pray for regularly, we were really close years ago and now live really far away, but today is the first time in ages that I have actually verbalized how much I love them? I can barely believe that all 3 of us have allowed ourselves to get lonely while loving and praying for the other! The problem is communication. I feel those things but have I said them? Unfortunately the answer is no! I am completely blessed and fulfilled by my time with the Lord. I know that I am growing in my walk. But even Jesus had his friends who supported Him and encouraged Him. He had 12 but only 3 were soul friends. Twelve men surrounded Him, three guarded His heart. Today I found myself longing for the three. And this evening I found it chatting on facebook. It was like balm to my soul to talk with my friend. We talked mostly about what's going on in her life, her struggles. But still it blessed me, I felt that closeness that we once shared. I knew that our friendship is still strong even though years and miles separate us. I think I needed to write this just to remind myself that it is ok to need people. Even Jesus, God's own son, needed more than time with the Father, he also needed companionship. I didn't know when I started this where I was going with it, just knew I needed to vent. Now I know what I needed to figure out. I need friends, some who are fun and silly and you have a great time when you're together, some who will kick my butt when needed, some who will cry with me, some who will encourage and support me, and some who will allow me to be all of those same things to them! And there is no shame or guilt in needing others. God designed us that way and delights in how he made us!

the land of the living

2009-10-26T23:07:00.001-06:00

My mind is flooded with thought right now. I thought about getting on facebook but realized that I would be updating my status every minute just to say it all! I finally feel like I am joining the land of the living again. Last week I had a sinus infection, the week before was swine flu, and the 2 weeks before Ethan was sick. So October has been a blur of cough syrup, motrin, elderberry syrup, antibiotics, raging fevers, sudefed and a cough that just won't leave. September was a blur of raw emotions. September I talked to very few friends, it was a really rough emotional month and I went into survival mode. It was also a month of serious financial burdens, some that nearly pushed us over the brink of the mountain. August was busy! We had a vacation with my parents and started school back up just days after returning. I feel as though I have been on auto pilot for 3 months now! This week though, I feel like I have finally rejoined the land of the living! Today after dropping Will off at school, the younger kids and I drove to Parker to spend Ethan's lunch break with him at work. It was a delightful and refreshing morning. We went from there to a lovely friends house for coffee and lunch. I haven't had a chance to connect with this friend for a couple of months and last year we saw each other at least once a week. It was needed time just enjoying each others company. We actually chatted until it was time to go pick Will up from school.

It is interesting to me how going into survival/fight or flight mode, changes everything you do. I'm really grateful for the understanding of all the people I've neglected over the past months. It hasn't been intentional, just circumstancial. If you are one of the people I've neglected, please accept my apology. I was struggling so desperately to hold on to me that I didn't put forth the effort to hold on to you!

So, along the lines of other thoughts.......... My husband looks at me so proudly and in love when he hears me discuss sports. It is kinda funny, but also enjoyable. Football in particular. I corrected the announcer on Sunday while watching the Vikings/Steelers game. Ethan beamed at me and commented that he loves that I can actually legitimately correct the announcers. Who knew that being able to follow a football game and watching Yankee's playoffs with my sweetie would bring the adoration factor??????? You should see the look I get when discussing this one: This season, Jay Cutler = 11 TDs, 10 int, Kyle Orton = 9 TDs and only 1 int. I personally prefer the guy who is consistent but not flashy. Cutler's flashy has lost us too many games! I'm pretty sure that I saw drool slipping out of Ethan's mouth at this point! ;)

We just had parent teacher conferences last week for Will. As always, we received a spectacular review. I wonder why his teachers can never ever picture him refusing to get his belt on for school. In class he is such a great kid. I wish he was as excited at home to get ready for school in a timely manner or do his homework in a timely manner as he is to learn when he finally reaches school. I guess it is the headache of most parents but still..........

Last week I saw Will's best friend. Bailey came up to me and very excitedly told me, " Guess what? I had H1N1 and LIVED!" I informed him that I had also and gave him a big high five. It was the highlight of my day that day. The next day though I felt bad for him when his mom told me that Bailey actually thought he was going to die when the doctor gave the diagnosis. Poor little guy was crying and asking if he was going to die. The doctor confirmed what every other medical person I know has said, it sucks and it is not any worse than seasonal flu. The doctor, in his great wisdom, told Bailey that he was a healthy little boy and would most definitely live. He told him what to expect, a fever for a few days and not feeling very good and then back to his wonderful boisterous self. I am grateful that the doctor in urgent care had enough sense to not feed this little boys fears but rather to encourage him and his mom!

The H1N1 and lived story happened on the same day as this conversation between Bailey and Will. They both (and Bailey's big sister as well) wanted Friday to be their day for hot lunch. Will only gets it once a week. It was to be sub day on Friday and the boys wanted subs. The reason, "I love sub day, you get seconds!" Bailey's older sister confirms this and my friend and I laugh hysterically at the logic of boys. It isn't bc that sounds best, it is all about how many servings you can get! True boys!

I think that my growing less coherent by the minute thoughts are soon about to start rambling. Besides, the dryer should be close to done with the work/school clothes so that I can sleep! I keep trying to decide if it is time to share yet what the Lord has been working on in me over the last several months. It's not bc it is super personal, more that it is a lot of typing and explaining. Maybe next time? I know, I'm a tease, but it is late and I'm tired!

THAT mom

2009-10-08T14:24:00.000-06:00

Today in the grocery store, I became "that" mom. She is the mom that before I had children of my own I critcized fiercely. She is the mom that you are sure you could easily parent better than and secretly wonder why God decided to grace her with children. Do you know her? Well, today she and I were the same. With the older two in school, I decided to take a quick trip with just my 2 yr old to the grocery store. He has recently decided that he really doesn't like sitting in the front part where he is supposed to sit and he insisted that he wanted to sit in the cart. This morning he was so dang cute when he said please and I was so dang tired from him trying to take over my bed twice last night that I agreed. He knows the rule, you have to stay on your bottom or you have to ride in the front with a seatbelt. Starting out he did a FABULOUS job. I didn't have to remind him at all. I was starting to think that maybe he is getting big enough like his brothers to sit there with no problems, but I was wrong! I reached for a box of cereal and as I did, he did the same and went tumbling head first out of the cart. We were right up against the aisle so he hit the cereal lined shelf mostly and then I caught him right before he crashed into the floor. Of course he is screaming, I'm comforting and three old people are GLARING at me. Isn't it odd how you barely see anyone in the store until you have something happen that you wish no one had seen? The old man next to me who had originally been talking to us, telling me how cute Josh is, now wouldn't say a word but instead just kept staring at me like, "How could you let that happen? Why on earth wasn't he in the front where he belongs?" And at the exact second that Josh fell, another older man walked into the aisle and and old woman stopped at the end of the aisle. They all stared and you could almost hear their contempt for me as a mother. I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide forever! Josh is fine. He has a bump on his forehead and one on the bridge of his nose, but otherwise unharmed and his normal happy 2 yr old self. When I relayed the story to Ethan, he made me feel better in such a silly way. He asked, "Did you say it was all old people giving you dirty looks? I wish they would have said something so that you could have responded with, 'Hey, you let your kids ride around in the back of pickup trucks and didn't seem to think it was going to hurt them!' " I laughed when he said it but it is true. We didn't have carseats when we were kids, we didn't always wear seatbelts, we rode our bikes without helmets, ate butter, drank Kool-aid, and played tag in the street, and yet we all lived! Yeah, probably shouldn't have let him sit in the back, not the safest thing I've done this week, but I did and he is ok now. I think it scared me more than him and in all honesty, he is less traumatized by it all than I am! And so, for those of you who would never dream of letting your child be that reckless, or for those of you who are now convinced that if you had kids, you would do a much better job of keeping them safe, I say this, I shouldn't have let him ride in the back, but it wasn't a mistake that God graced me with my children! I'm not perfect, but I love my kids a whole lot even when I do dumb things like let a 2 yr old ride in the back of the cart. :)

my overactive brain

2009-10-07T00:14:00.000-06:00

I have a lot on my mind. Not particularly bad or good, just lots of stuff. Like for instance, how do I get my blog to not automatically upload to facebook?  I'd rather link it there myself, then it would show up under links instead of notes. And how do I get my spell check back on my blog instead of word strike? I don't like typos and don't want to see them on my blog. Plus there is a fair amount of words that I regularly misspell that you the reader would have no idea thanks to spell check! See, not glamorous, just on my mind.

Other things like, why is my first grade son doing homework for nearly 2 hrs at least once a week? Will the day ever come that he does not reverse his s,b,d,7, or 3?????? And on that note, how much of what he tells me from school actually happens? Today while he was climbing in at pick up time, his teacher opened the door and was telling me something. I asked her a question and she looked at Will rather quizzically and asked, "Where in your amazing imagination do you come up with these stories you are telling your mom?" So, did he really get a cookie from Mr. Victor the lunchroom guy on his birthday? Very possibly. Did everyone really get one? Doubt it. Does the mom of one of his friends who occasionally helps in the classroom really sometimes grab a students arm and squeeze very hard often resulting in a red hand for a moment to get them to calm down? Not sure, but concerning if it is true.   Don't you wish there was a http://www.truthorfiction.com/ for your kids school day? It would be so easy to weed out the rumor stories right away!

Another school thought, yesterday Will's pants split in the crotch during gym class. He told me he just avoided girls all day because he was embarrassed. I asked when it happened and the rough answer was right after lunch. I would have gladly left my "mommy playdate" to bring him new pants. He was so embarrassed! He said that his teachers thought his pants would be fine until school let out so they didn't call me. Again, I'd like to hear the whole story. Did it happen with only an hour or less of school left and they didn't see it being worth the trip? Odd little tidbits that don't exactly make 2+2=4.

On Friday he hit his best friend with a bat. How do you explain that?????? I mean I wouldn't condone it by any means but I would at least understand it if it was someone he didn't like or even one of his brothers. That's what siblings seem to do. But his best friend? The kid he begs every day to carpool with, the one who Will cried when he found out they were in different 1st grade classes? I'm kinda at a loss. I mean, Will's a pretty good kid for the most part. Usually his bigger "imperfections" are only completely unleashed when it is just us as a family. This is abnormal. So I guess that leads me to the question, what is going on in his little brain? How can I help him to navigate through it all?

Though it seems as though I said a lot of negative about Will just now, I have to say, I am dang proud of that kid! He is such an amazing joy, even when he is being a booger. His school does a "stoplight" form of behavioral chart. Green = good behavior, yellow = less than great behavior and red = poor behavior/consequence. Then there is the ever elusive silver. Silver is reserved for going above and beyond the call of duty at school. Will has always been green, that is, until last Monday. As his teacher put him in the car on Monday, she told me, "Will's planner won't reflect this because it happened at the very end of the day, but he is on silver! He has the opportunity to be silver all week. This is also the first time we have ever awarded silver on a Monday!" Will was bursting with pride, so was his mama.     ;-)   He told me in the car that his teachers said that there was someone who had done really great for the past few days and as soon as she said that, he knew it was him. It was a bit difficult to congratulate him and ask him how he felt about it and not equate pride with the action. I am always proud of him, not just when he does well in school. I want to convey that so I make sure when I tell him I'm proud that I tell him I'm proud of his character rather than his actions. Make sense? So I told him that I knew he had worked hard to get to silver and that his hard work paid off. I asked him if he was proud of that accomplishment and reaffirmed that I thought it was great that he had tried so hard and succeeded. It was much harder to put into practice than I thought it would be. I let him know how special getting silver was while the whole time focusing on who he is not on what he did. That is one difficult parenting truth though! I so wanted to scream from the rooftops how proud I was that my son was the first kid to get silver on Monday. I think I gave it just the right amount of attention, he seemed to be very pleased with how I handled it.

My blog is getting rather long and I've probably lost the interest of nearly everyone. I still have thoughts though. Like for instance, when did my grammar get sub par and my sentences turn into run ons and when did I start beginning sentences with but, and, or so? I don't think I mind. I like my writing but I think because I still hear my jr high and high school English teacher, Mrs. Wille, in my ear telling me that I shouldn't start my sentence that way, it still feels as though I am being naughty! I know, just revealing my dorkiness to everyone, got it!

I'm also discovering that while I still despise conflict, I handle it much better that I used to. I have a mental conflict right now. There are people who I don't understand and sometimes don't want to understand. I feel like there is a close to even split as to if there will be peace or conflict when we engage. I don't want to have conflict and I find myself stressing about how to talk to those who bring out conflict in me. Did any of that make sense?

I think I have rambled my thoughts enough for one night. I don't want to ramble so much that people quit reading the handful of coherent thoughts that I do have. So (see, I just did it again!), I think I'll head off to dreamland, get some rest and have more coherent thoughts tomorrow after I've had coffee! I may not share them all, but rest assured, I will at least have a few of them throughout the day tomorrow :)

my 10 cent miracle

2009-10-06T13:55:00.000-06:00

Last week I decided it was finally time to use that last coffee on my Starbucks card. The price of my coffee has gone up from $4 to $4.16. I ordered my coffee and pulled around to the pick up window. I handed the gal my gift card and told her, "There is $4 left on that card and I'll pay the rest in cash." As I fiddled around in my wallet, I realized I didn't have 16 cents, I only had 6 cents. I was annoyed because the only other money in my wallet was a 5 dollar bill that had a different destination than to go towards my coffee. As I'm thinking that I'm going to have break the 5 for a silly dime, the lady comes back to the window and says, "Honey, there is $4.10 on this card, you only owe me 6 cents." I handed her my last 6 cents and laughed as I pulled away. I didn't miscalculate my card amount, I had a receipt right next to the card stating that the remaining balance was 4 dollars even. Even in the small things, the minute details, He is watching over me. Through all the huge miracles that the Lord has given us these past few months, this tiny 10 cent miracle was such a HUMONGOUS blessing because I left feeling the Lord's great love and mercy toward me. He has met every need, even the smallest ones, and I know He will continue to always meet our needs.

payment in chocolate? now you're talking my language!

2009-10-06T00:43:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I noticed that my friend has joined a site where they will send you free chocolate if you agree to write about the chocolate in your blog. I looked into it and thought anyone willing to give me chocolate to do what I already love to do which is write, has my attention! I am not sure how long it will take to get my first shipment of chocolate from http://www.chocolate.com/ but like Tiffany, I will eagerly await my yummy payment daily until it arrives! Check back regularly to see what they sent me and maybe if you're nice, I may share a piece (but only one!) :)

giggle shoes

2009-10-02T13:31:00.005-06:00

I started this post on Friday Oct 2 but finished it today, Monday Oct 5 so if it seems as though I went from present tense to past tense, it is only because I did! ;-)

This morning, shortly before the sunlight could flood my room and wake me up pleasantly, my mind came to conscienceness to the sounds of some country sound on the radio alarm. As I took mental inventory I realized this, last night Josh did not once try to get into my bed! Wow, a night not interrupted sometime between 1 and 4 by a two yr old who wants my bed instead of his own! My mental inventory continued and brought this to my awareness, my oldest is 7 today. Wow, where did the time go? I got up and started slicing "chocolate bread" (they don't have to know that it is zucchini bread and has no sugar bc I used agave, they think it is a really special treat to have chocolate for breakfast). As I start barking orders of get your school clothes on, change your underware, don't forget to brush your teeth, etc, etc, I walk past my closet and see the tip of one of my giggle shoes poking out and I pause just long enough to look longingly at them and then continue with my morning.

I guess at this point might be a good time to explain why this particular pair of shoes has been dubbed the giggle shoes. Valentines evening this year my husband and I splurged. We had an overnight babysitter, a hotel, and a fancy dinner. I had a beautiful red dress and was secretly lamenting having to wear black shoes with it. My hubby and I were in DSW looking to get him a new pair of dress shoes (it's only been about 10 yrs since he bought a pair!) and I looked longingly at a gorgeous pair of patent red high heels with a peek-a-boo toe. Hubby sees the longing and tells me to get them. Of course I argued, I didn't need to spend that much money on a pair of shoes just to go with one dress. "Do you like them?" he asks. "Of course, I love them, but I don't need them!" He finally gave me no choice in the matter and insisted that I must have them because every woman should have one pair of giggle shoes in her closet. I looked at him with one eyebrow raised and quizzically asked as I'm sure most of you are now, "giggle shoes?" He went on to define giggle shoes as the one pair of shoes that every time you see them it brings a smile to your face and you giggle when you put them on. It's the pair of shoes that makes you feel like a million dollars. Needless to say, there is now a gorgeous pair of patent red high heels with a peek-a-boo toe in my closet! :)

But I digress, now back to the story. So I took my son to school and came home to get ready for MOPS. I walked past my giggle shoes probably 5 times before I asked out loud to absolutely no one, "Is it tacky to wear red heels with blue jeans and hair that hasn't been washed in at least 2, probably 3 days?" I decided that even if it was tacky, I was going to do it simply because they make me happy. I figured I'd walk into MOPS and get several weird looks but it didn't matter because I knew I was walking into MOPS knowing that my husband and my heavenly Father love me more than I can fathom. I decided it was ok even if it was weird because I was walking into MOPS being hugged and touched by an incredible, undeniable, unfathomable, and undeserved love. And you wanna know the funny part? I walked into MOPS to hear so many compliments on my gorgeous shoes. For those of you who are not moms or don't remember what it was like when the kids are still little and there is precious little to call your own, you won't fully understand this statement. But for those of you who are right there in the thick of it with me, I learned this: red high heels do indeed go with blue jeans and hair that hasn't been washed in ? days and that I felt probably the most beautiful I've ever felt wearing them. No one cared that my hair was in need of washing, no one cared that I wasn't in a beautiful gown. Oddly, the experience filled me with hope and encouragement. The people around me who love me don't see the greasy hair and exhausted mommy, they see Cinderella in beautiful shoes. I also realized that I don't see those things in others either. I don't see the faults, I see the beauty in these amazing ladies who are just doing their best to be everything God has called them to be and to be great mommies! Isn't it funny how a simple pair of shoes left me feeling beautiful, refreshed and loved for the rest of the day??????

my baby can read

2009-10-01T23:03:00.002-06:00

My dear 4 yr old cracked me up tonight! While older brother was doing homework, Ev came in the kitchen with us and said, "Sorry I got the word cards down." I was a bit confused so I excused myself to the living room to check on the younger two boys. There was a rather impressive pile of "beginning sight words" flash cards on the floor in front of the 2 yr old. Ev (the 4 yr old) says, "Mom, I'm just seeing if our baby can read." He asks Josh what one of the cards says and Josh (the 2 yr old) makes a few strange noises and then looks up proudly and smiles and claps. Ev looks up and says "I was just seeing if our baby can read, Mom. Panently (apparently) not. You know mom, some babies have the oppotunty (opportunity) to read but I guess not ours." He has been seeing the commercials for the "My Baby Can Read" program on tv and our word cards look similar to those used on the commercial. So the 4 yr old (who by the way, also cannot read) is disappointed that his baby brother cannot read because the babies on tv can! I absolutely loved watching the brother moment between the two of them, Josh after all was thrilled that his big brother was teaching him to read! :)

my wonderful children

2009-09-30T21:18:00.002-06:00

The last 2 days with my kids have given me lots of smiles and a few memorable moments. I'm not as foolish as I was in my early parenting years to think that I will remember these moments just because they are special and then lose them for lack of documentation! So, that said, I'm documenting here, on my blog, the ways my kids have made me smile.

Yesterday I took the younger 2 to Costco with me. Having missed my morning cup of coffee because I was too tired to clean out the coffee pot with the day before's remnants, I decided to get a mocha freeze at the Costco cafe. Josh tried to steal it and I informed him that he was in no way shape or form getting coffee! Ev asked me if I was sure it was coffee and if it is really coffee, why did that man put chocolate in it? I told him it had chocolate because the only thing sweeter than coffee and chocolate is kisses from him. "No, Mom. That's not it." Then it must be kisses from all of my boys? Nope, still not it. Kisses from Daddy? Nope, not that either. So I finally asked, "Well I can't think of ANYTHING sweeter, what could it be?" His response, "Mom, I think candy is sweetest!" How can you win with logic like that?

Today my oldest was sitting at the kitchen table doing his Riggs homework (the phonics program his school teaches). When he sounded out one of his words he also said the grammar rule that went with it, that u and v can not end a word so you have to add a silent e to the end if the word ends in either of those letters. Oddly, this surprised me and I started trying to think of words that ended in v and realized he was right. He was thrilled that he had taught me something new. The cuteness came when he then asked me, "Mom, didn't you do Riggs when you were in school?" I told him no and he said, "Well, now it makes since that you didn't know that rule!" He paused thoughtfully and then looked up and said, "Hey, Mom. Thanks for sending me to a school that teaches Riggs. I really like it, it's actually my favorite part of the day. Well, that and math." I was flabbergasted! My son actually realized for however short of a moment, all that I did to get him into the right school and thanked me! Does that actually happen?

The last one was tonight at bedtime. My husband has made up a song for the boys that he sings at bedtime to them. It is a changed version of the old Mary Poppins song, Chim Chim Chiree. the lyrics are "Chim Chiminee Chim Chiminee, chim chim chiree, I love my (insert name) and my (name) loves me. Chim chiminee, chim chiminee, chim chim churoo, oh my dear (name) your daddy loves you." The last verse is always to me, "I love my beauty and my beauty loves me....Oh my dear beauty your husband loves you." (Yeah, I know sappy sappy whatever, we all absolutely LOVE it though!) Tonight while hugging Evan goodnight, I told him that I'm proud of him and he's a great kid. He looks at me and says, "No, you're a great woman! I mean beauty. You're a great beauty, Mom. You are our beauty, but you are also Dad's beauty. That means that a beauty lives in our house!" He went to bed excited by his "discovery" and I put him to bed thinking that my family is the best in the world! My husband thinks I'm beautiful, my sons think I'm beautiful and all of my guys take such good care of me. Wow, how amazing is that!?!?!? And for the complete experience, tonight was one of the nights that dad didn't have to prompt the boys to thank me for dinner. Tonight they all remembered without any help from dad and tonight I feel really loved, cared for, appreciated, and treasured. My family is the best in the world! (See, I wrote it down so that the next time I'm convinced that my kids sole goal in life is to torture me, I can look back on this and remember how sweet they can be.)

timely blessings

2009-09-24T23:26:00.003-06:00

At the exact moment that I have been certain that I cannot make it for one more second, God sends exactly what I need. Two weeks ago, when Ethan and I were trying to figure out budget and groceries, my pastors wife called. I wasn't planning on answering but Rachel doesn't call often and I was hoping all was ok. Our church had been given a donation of groceries and they wanted to know if we would be able to use them. It was a blessing that happened right as we were stressing about money.

A week and a half ago He sent me Sarah to take my kids overnight and refuse to be paid for it. That happened at the exact moment that I was sure I was never meant to be a mom and that I'm terrible at it and am going scar and ruin my children for life. It was a blessing, and one that happened at the end of my mothering rope.

A few days passed and I opened my mailbox to find an envelope from an anonymous sender with a King Soopers (grocery store for those of you east coasters who go to Piggly Wiggly and Shop and Save!) gift card in it. It was a blessing that happened right at the moment that my bank account was overdrawn.

Another day passed and I found a Starbucks gift card in my wallet, and I had already used up my birthday gift cards and there were none in my wallet before. Now Starbucks is far from necessary but it was a beautiful pick me up when I called to get a balance on it and found out that there was the exact amount on it needed to get 2 coffees! It was a blessing that happened just when I thought how good a vanilla latte sounded and was settling for home brew instead.

Then today, how do I explain today? I can tell you about it but words will never do justice the relief and emotion that we felt. Maybe I should back track a little and give some history first. 3 weeks ago, Ethan's car failed emissions. Repairs were going to be over $500 but when weighed we realized that the car is really on its last leg. The heater doesn't work and here in Colorado winter is already trying to grip us, we had snow on the last day of summer! The car is nearing 200k miles, 2 seatbelts are broken, the check engine light lives in the on position. So we consulted with our mechanic and unanimously decided that our $ would be better spent in getting a new car. We got a 20 day extension on our tags and set off to find a new (to us) car. Problem, we didn't dare apply for financing when our bank account was negative! BAD idea! So we waited for payday so our acct would be positive and we could apply to Target's credit union and hopefully get our loan through them. Payday came and we didn't have the money to open our acct so it was going to have to wait one more pay cycle. Maybe we could extend our tags just one more time so that we could buy time in the new vehicle hunt. No dice. Our car, I was told, has been red flagged by the state because it failed emissions. If we drive the car and get stopped, the car will be impounded and we will not be allowed to drive it! Yikes! So Mom and Dad to the rescue, they let us borrow their 2nd car to get us through this. Tomorrow is payday and we are starting to try to figure out how we can get either the CU acct going and get a loan that way or if we just have to bite the bullet and get dealer financing at a heck of an interest rate.

Now that you have the history, here is today. It is my friends birthday. I asked Ethan if I could spend a couple of dollars to get her a coffee. We agree that I can get only one so of course it would be for her. Went to King Soopers, wrote my check for over so that I could buy my friend coffee. Chillin at home when the mail arrives, I pause Survivor and go grab it. There were only 4 things in my mailbox. The first is addressed to me, I open it to find a ransom note style letter that told me that it was a reminder that God is in control and that I'm loved. As I was reading it, some cash fell out of the envelope and hit my lap. I looked at it and smiled and thought, it's all going to work out and now I can now enjoy coffee with my friend for her birthday! Isn't it great when God gives us those reminders that He will provide?

The 2nd letter is addressed to my family and I open it to find a small sticky note that said, "God is good" on a large money order. I started to hyperventilate at this point! Ethan was next door hanging out with his dad and I had to go grab him to show him. I didn't know if it was all real! It was a wonderful blessing that happened on the day after we had discussed how this whole car thing is supposed to play out and how we could ever get anything at all to put toward it.

The other 2 items were small in theory but HUGE to me. They were magazines for my kids. My mom had ordered my kids magazines a yr ago. They both have sent me notices saying that we had received our last issue unless we renewed. My mom got one of them again this yr but it will come addressed to all the boys and the other one we let slide. The magazines were addressed individually to both boys. See I know that no more should be coming, yet they came one last time. It was as though God was saying, "See, I'm going to take care of your kids too." I was amazed at the sweet and gentle way that the Lord provided for us during this last month. He has never failed us. I am more than ever aware that we are not the ones who meet our needs, He is. And not only has the Lord met our big needs, He even remembered the little details of a vanilla latte and a couple of magazines, things we don't need but are nice to have. As I said in my facebook status earlier, I am both awed and humbled that the God of the universe takes the time to see that my families needs are met, even the little tiny ones! I am also awed and humbled at the incredible generosity of secret friends without whom we would have possibly sank this month! Thanks to you if you are one of our secret givers, you will never know how much you have blessed our family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my week

2009-09-15T23:26:00.002-06:00

The last two weeks have been rather crappy. That is the easy version of it all. It has been draining both physically and emotionally. I want nothing more than to lay comatose in my bed for a full week! I actually told Ethan tonight that if we win the powerball, I am hiring our favorite babysitter to come over and just be available for a full week. I don't want to be replaced in the rearing of my children, I just want one whole week that I don't have to get up early for school, a week that I could sleep in and wake up to a nice hot shower (with no kids interrupting or getting into loads of mischief while I'm in there) and then have a lazy cup of coffee and breakfast and start my day around 9:30 ish. Doesn't that sound lovely?!? So in the midst of cars failing emissions, empty bank accounts, looking for a new car, the whole family fighting off the sickies (and it has been that way for waaaaaaayyyyy too long), getting hit in the traffic circle near my sons school (yes, everyone is ok and the damage is minimal), parenting struggles, emotional struggles, and to top it off the Starbucks in the King Soopers that I frequent has just been torn down, I am thinking about powerball. Oddly, I am more content with what I have (or the lack thereof) after thinking of all the things I would do if money were no object at all. I am blessed to have my Sarah in our lives. Saturday, when I thought I couldn't take it for one more second, she volunteered to "kidnap my children" overnight. She picked them up Sat afternoon and returned them Sun afternoon. I wonder if the car getting hit and the Starbucks being gone would have completely pushed me over if I hadn't had that time alone with my husband to somewhat recover from last week. Oddly, in thinking of the things I wish that I had, I am more aware of how truly blessed I am. It's no lie that last week was one of the suckiest weeks ever, but I have an amazing husband, an amazing family and most of all and amazing Savior. In my weakness, He is made strong. I don't have it all together, but I love and am loved in return in spite of it all. Is there really any greater blessing? We have a new favorite song called "Sounds Like Life" by Darryl Worley. The entire song is this guy complaining to his buddy about all of his struggles. His friend looks at him and says "you make it sound like you're in some great tragedy, but it sounds like life to me." The song has helped both Ethan and I keep perspective during this rough time. Even when it is not fun, we still have so much more than we deserve. Yeah, bad things happen, yeah life takes turns you don't really like, but so does everyone elses life also! We all struggle and this week I reminded myself that it isn't my struggle that matters, it's what I do with it. As I tell my kids, only I can control my attitude and my responses. I guess that means that I need to quit pouting and live my life. Circumstances may not change but my attitude can. Tonight I'm going to trust in my Father. I'm going to remember all the times He has not let me down and I'm going to find refuge in the fact that He still holds me in His hands and will never let me go.

tired thoughts

2009-09-08T23:44:00.002-06:00

Today was a lovely day. Ethan had the day off and he took Will to school this morning and then took Evan to school while I stayed home. That was a refreshing break! I picked Ev up from his morning school but Ethan took him to afternoon school so I did none of the drop offs today. We got a lot accomplished and even just got to chill out watch some tv and play Othello.

Will's teacher told me this afternoon that he had not been himself today. She said it wasn't like he was being disruptive or disobedient but that he just had a glazed look in his eyes all day and he wasn't his usually responsive, talkative self. He said school went great though. I think he is still trying to get over this bug that attacked us all last week. Though we spent most of the weekend on our backsides resting, it seems as though we are all still exhausted. I hope he does better tomorrow.

Ethan got the Harry Potter paperback series for his birthday and Will started begging us to read it to him. I didn't know if he would be interested but I figured if not we would just put it away and read something else. I didn't expect him to LOVE the books! We just started the 3rd book. Ethan and I are discussing how high in the books to read since the later books are a bit heavy for a 7 yr old. Will came home today and during homework he said, "Mom, my teachers are really surprised that you let me read Harry Potter books. They said that is more of a grown up book." So now I am paranoid that the teachers think I'm poorly influencing my son. I know, my kid, my decisions, got it, but that doesn't take away my tired paranoia. He follows the story, hasn't at any point gotten lost even though they are long chapter books, and really enjoys it, so why am I so worried about what his 1st grade teachers think about it??????????

Ethan has the weekend off!!!!!!!!!! Not gonna lie, I'm stoked about that! He does have the card shop Fri eve but Sat and Sun he is mine (I suppose I'll share with the kiddos!) I know we just had a vacation, but I feel like I need another one just to catch up with my sweetie! We are finally back to a normal schedule so I should get my time with him back to normal as well.

MOPS is starting next Friday. I am excited and nervous. I'm on steering this year helping out with crafts. I always thought I'd never want that position but when I found out that was where they really needed help, I actually got excited about doing it. It will be nice to get back into the routine of my life again now that the kids have gotten into their routines.

So there is my midnight ramblings. No lessons, just what is on my mind, my very tired mind! So now I'm signing off to go sleep until the dreaded alarm clock crows at me (yes I said crows, it sounds like a rooster!) Josh fell out of bed a little bit ago, hope it doesn't happen again tonight because I want the next 6 hrs and 20 min to be in dreamland only!

scars

2009-08-26T23:48:00.002-06:00

I heard a song on the way to church on Sunday that I loved. The song is called Perfect People by Natalie Grant. The chorus really caught me.....

There's no such thing as perfect people
There's no such thing as the perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scarred
Lift up your heart, and be amazed and be changed
By a perfect God

Not really sure why, but I started thinking about scars and what they really are. A scar marks where a wound was. Some scars eventually go away, some last forever. I have my share of scars. There is the one under my nose from when I fell out of the car when I was 5. There is the one on my knee that came from tripping during a lively game of tag in the 2nd grade. A chicken pox scar, a surgery scar, the list goes on. The one that really made me think though is on my left arm. Early in my marriage when I still worked at the bookstore, I ran into a shelf while trying to walk around my boss. The pain was instant and severe. I couldn't move my left arm much at all for the rest of the evening (which sucks as a lefty!) and for days my arm wasn't fully functional. My boss, husband, parents, in-laws and friends were all worried. Eventually though the pain was gone, I don't even really remember when, just one day it didn't hurt anymore. That scar however, does occasionally twinge a little when it gets bumped just right. It doesn't hurt, it twinges. It's not painful, it's uncomfortable; but the discomfort doesn't last for a long time. (My brain skipped around alot during this thought process so forgive me if I jump around a bit. I'm trying to make it make sense and still get all the parts in!) I also thought about another set of scars, the scars on my savior. The scars that mark the wounds that my sins gave him. Suddenly I realized that having scars is not bad. John 20 talks about the marks where the nails had been in Jesus' hands and feet and the spear mark in His side. Even Jesus, God incarnate, had scars. So I started thinking about emotional scars, another thing we all carry. I have often felt guilty when an old emotional scar "twinges". I wonder if I have truly forgiven if I can still feel these flashes of ick every now and then. On Sunday, I looked at my left arm and realized this: my arm is healed. There is a mark on my arm that occasionally will be uncomfortable for a few minutes but the wound is gone. The same is true of my heart. Occasionally something will bump up against my heart and I will feel hurt for a short time, but that doesn't mean that the wound is still there. It also doesn't make my faith less, or my forgiveness insincere. It makes it spot in my heart a scar but not an open wound. Anyone who has ever had a broken bone knows this same thing to be true. A bone that has once been broken, although it heals easily, will usually cause a person some discomfort when the weather is changing. The bone is no longer broken, it has mended and doesn't cause pain anymore, but when the weather changes the spot once broken feels uncomfortable and sometimes even painful.
I also thought of the purpose of scars. See they all serve different purposes. The one on my arm takes me back to a place of some comfort. I think of the best boss I have ever worked under in my life, a man of integrity who definitely influence several of us to be the best that we are. Or how about this, after bearing 3 children my body is not quite what it was when I was 20. I have stretch marks that didn't used to be there. Though I used to think they were awful, I see them now and am awed that somehow God allowed MY body to sustain life and those scars are the reminder of some uncomfortable stretching that produced great joy. Some of the scars in our heart are the same, they are from a time of stretching, but that time has produced beauty and spiritual growth. So I say all of this simply to say that each of us has scars both physical and emotional, but that doesn't mean that they are bad. They remind us of where a wound was not tell us where a wound still is.

ok, so that's what you do when you run out of ideas

2009-07-30T00:00:00.003-06:00

I realize now that I posted about my kids and their cruel trick on their baby brother but haven't had a chance to update on how everything went. It went amazingly well. I heard a lot of feedback but the one that really resounded with me was one saying that rather than make it a consequence make it a time to bring them back to the Word and the Father's heart, a learning experience. That is what I had wanted anyway, a learning experience. Alot of prayers for wisdom, the right words and softened hearts, later this is what I came up with. First, the consequence part was that though we still went to the park with our friend the next day, we had to leave before lunch. So instead of staying for another hour and eating and playing with our friend, we left when the kids started getting hungry.

The lesson part however came later. I informed the kids early in the day that there would be no tv in the afternoon and that the time that we usually spend watching a movie would on that day be spent reflecting on what they did that was unkind and ways that they could practice kindness. I must say that anyone who wishes to discipline their children must himself be disciplined. I did NOT want to forgo movie time, that is also called "mommy's nap time" and believe me I was EXHAUSTED on that day. I sacrificed my nap but was rewarded with much better than sleep. I put Josh down for his nap and grabbed chairs for the boys, my Bible, a pen and a notebook. Ok guys, time to think about why we are sitting here all together talking. We talked about how it feels when someone is unkind to us and about how actions effect a lot of people. We talked about reasons that we should treat others with kindness and respect. Then I pulled out my Bible and we looked up verses about being kind. We discussed the golden rule as something that was not just made up by teachers to sound nice but was something Jesus said first (Matthew 7:12). We discussed how we love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19) and that we forgive others because Jesus forgives us(Ephesians 4:32). We talked about Eph 4:29 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only that which is helpful for the building up of others that it may benefit those who listen." We talked about the command to "love the Lord your God with all of your heart and to love your neighbor as yourself."(Matthew 22:37-40) As we read scripture after scripture I told the boys that we were all as a family going to memorize a verse about kindness and that they could pick which one we did. They picked Proverbs 11:17 "A kind man benefits himself but a cruel man brings trouble on himself." We wrote it out and taped it (per their choice) to their bedroom door.

During all of this Evan stopped me, "Mommy, can you hold on a minute? I just need to pray to Jesus for a minute." He, completely unprompted, got down on his knees and bowed his face to the ground. I could only catch small parts of his prayer but I did catch, "Dear Jesus.....and help me to be nice to people." A few minutes later he disappeared behind the bookcase door with a pillow covering himself up. I told him to get out of there. I told him a couple of times. Finally he comes out and says, "Mommy, why did you imperup (interrupt) me when I was talking to Jesus?"

We ended the conversation with the three of us praying together, lots of hugs, a few tears, some apologies, and overall a time that I knew the Lord had honored with my children. Josh has torn the scripture off the door but the older two keep telling me that they know our memory verse and have been repeating it perfectly (with the exception that Evan always says Proverbs 26 instead of Proverbs 11:17!) Will came to me on Monday and asked me if we could look up more Bible verses and write them down and put them on our walls because he really likes "being able to see the Word of God all over my walls." I laughed and then took him over to my kitchen sink where I personally have note cards with scripture hanging so that I also am constantly reminded of the Word. Oddly, my verses are almost all about my words as well (Psalm 34:12-13"Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies." Ephesians 4:29 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." and Proverbs 10:19 "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.") Hmmmm, imagine that!

now what?

2009-07-23T22:50:00.004-06:00

I type tonight furious. My older children pulled such a mean and nasty stunt on their little brother. I could hear the 2 yr old screaming, not "I'm not ready to go to sleep" screaming but "somethings very wrong" screaming. The short version is that the older boys told him that the statue of liberty had come to our house and killed our dog. I can't get a straight answer as to which one told him that. I have never ever seen Joshy so distraught! His face was bright red, and he was sobbing as he screamed, "Doggie! Doggie! Doggie, ok? Doggie dead?" I handed him off to Daddy to show him that the dog was indeed alive and perfectly fine. Then I lost it. I yelled. Maybe I shouldn't have yelled, probably better ways to handle it but yet I yelled. I informed the older boys that there WILL be consequences and big ones at that but that I was too angry at that exact moment to be able to discipline out of love not anger and that we would discuss consequences in the morning. It took over 10 min to calm Joshua down. Tears spilled out of his eyes and every time we got out of sight of the dog, he cried again, "Doggie? Mommy, Doggie!" (The dog didn't seem to mind, he got a milkbone and a treat during the process of calming Josh down!) I finally got him reassured the Jack is alive and going to be here in the morning when he wakes up but he still seemed rather unconvinced when I laid him down. His brothers were smart to not talk when I brought Josh back to bed. I could see that they were still awake, but they were pretending to be asleep which was better than what they had been doing for the last 2 hours before that. And now I am left to ponder the consequence. I contemplated taking away the play date at the park with a friend tomorrow, but my hubby said it wasn't fair to the other kid who is already looking forward to it. We could do the usual, take away sweets or tv privileges. Somehow though the usual consequences don't seem like they will convey the seriousness of the situation. How then do you discipline when you are out of ideas? How do you teach your kids to not be cruel to others? What they did tonight, crossed over the line of not being nice into being cruel. And they just don't get it! My oldest told me today that it was ok for them to be mean to another little girl. Will said that the golden rule said so. HUH? "Well, she hasn't always been nice to us so that must be how she wants to be treated so it is ok to be mean." Now what? How do I guide them on this one? I don't want an ordinary consequence, I want them to learn the lesson. The problem is that I have absolutely no earthy idea of how to teach it! So tonight I pray for wisdom and guidance, I blog to get the feelings out and I ask if any of you have any ideas. Help?

the journey has just begun

2009-07-17T00:14:00.003-06:00

I am so excited to see the hand of God in our lives! It has been an unbelievable journey that has only just begun. It would take me forever to relay all the details of how God has moved in our lives and hearts in the last 7 months. This journey started around the first of the year when I first started hearing God's call to move on. Though I ignored the still small voice for 5 months, the blessing from obedience in the past 2 has been unfathomable! The night before Ethan's birthday I was up late getting things ready for the next day. You know, wrapping his presents, getting breakfast prepared so that all I had to do was pop it in the oven, setting the timer on the coffee pot, making a "happy birthday Daddy" banner, and all the other last minute details. While I was doing dishes (Denise, this must be because of you!) the Lord and I had a conversation. It was a beautiful conversation that I don't really care to disclose the details of. Keeping it private though is not because I'm embarrassed but because it was intimate between me and Him and specific to some things that have been going on with us lately. I went to bed so excited that it was hard to fall asleep! I went to bed with an overwhelming sense of purpose, like I had just been given insight into the mind of my Father and His plans for us.

The next evening Ethan and I went out to dinner just the 2 of us for his birthday. Oddly enough, we had a terrible waitress who left us alone a lot. We were done eating and were waiting for the check for about a half hour before she even came over to see if we needed a box and I had to ask for our check. Normally that would annoy the snot out of me, but not that night. We had the most amazing conversation and it might not have happened had we been free to walk around the mall or go see a movie. Often how Ethan hears God's voice is through his dreams. He had a poignant dream the other night that he knew was from God but he couldn't share it until he had processed it completely. On his birthday he finally shared it with me. My heart skipped as he told me and I felt confirmation of what my own conversation with God had been. Two different people, two different methods, one message! I am so excited to see Ethan as he is seeking the Lord and hearing from Him on such a huge level. Not to say that he hasn't been seeking or hearing in the past, just to say that this is different and this is big. I still don't see the whole big picture, but I feel like I may have gotten a quick glimpse of a corner of the box. I am seeing God move in my husbands life in on a scale that I haven't seen before. I am seeing God move in my life on a scale that I haven't seen in a long time. And I am seeing God move in my children and family. I have seen and also experienced amazing restoration in the lives of those around me as well. I am seeing my husband step into the calling that God has on his life and it is exciting!

What a great honor I have to walk beside this amazing man. What a blessing it is to be the one who prays for him in a way that others can't, to honor him in his calling and to be the one he shares his destiny with. I have the great honor of being his helper, friend, accountability, confidant, and his biggest cheerleader! I am so thrilled and slightly nervous about following God's leading in our lives. Sometimes it is scary to step into the unknown, to follow God to the place that He will show us rather than a known destination. My calling is to my husband and our children. Growing up when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up my answer was (aside from the occasional, "I'm going to be a millionaire") was to be a wife and a mommy. God granted me the deepest desires of my heart and I have not treated it as a ministry and a calling. My calling is to support and minister to my husband. My calling is to show my children the love of Jesus and bring them up in the ways of the Lord. It's not just my life, it's my calling, my passion, my destiny. It is the reason God made me! And Ethan's calling besides being a godly man, husband and father, besides being a protector and provider, is also my calling. As his wife, I have to be willing to support him in whatever God is calling him to and that makes it my calling as well.

I don't know where He is taking us but I know that He is good and He has good plans for us. And I am excited!

vulnerablity unmasked

2009-07-12T14:31:00.003-06:00

I feel very insecure. You know those dreams that you think you went to school or work or wherever in just your underware? That is completely how I feel after my last post. I feel like I walked out of my house missing the clothing that covers up what I don't want others to see. How silly it is that I could bare my soul about where I stand on so many other issues but this time I feel embarrassed? Why? I know I am not the only clutterbug out there who struggles to keep house. Actually most of the responses I received were understanding of that fact and have also been there. And yet, this time it felt different. Maybe because I want people to think I have it all together is why this last one has left me feeling sooooooo vulnerable. I don't deny my need for a savior in the emotional and spiritual areas of my life. I don't pretend to have it all together as a mom. I readily admit that sometimes I hurt my husbands feelings. I acknowledge above all else that I need Christ more each day. Yet I don't think until I posted the last one that I realized that I need His help to make my home a refuge. That is what I believe He is calling me to as a wife and mother. My calling is to make my husband want to come home from work. My calling is to guide and teach my children in the ways of the Lord. My calling is to serve my family. My home needs to be a place that people feel safe, loved and at peace. The fact that it hasn't been that yet is embarrassing to me. I feel like I have been failing for years at doing what is my heart's cry, to extend hospitality. So I now realize that this is yet one more area that I need the grace and strength of my Lord. It is amazing how in sharing my heart, I have once again been convicted of the areas in my life that I try to dethrone Jesus as the God of the universe and the God of my life. This isn't a "I just need to try harder" moment. This is an "I need you Jesus" moment. All of these years I have been struggling and just trying harder. In my entire life it has never occurred to me even once that trying harder is only going to create more chaos. I need to rely on the strength of my Father not on my own strength. And that is easier to do anyway! Why did I make it all so difficult?

closer than ever to discovering His plans for us

2009-07-10T22:53:00.003-06:00

I have no profound words or lessons tonight. No funny stories, no deep inward struggles, just typing to process my mind again. My husband is truly amazing! You see, I am a terrible housekeeper. I have a slight amount of perfectionism in me (thanks, Mom!) and if I can't get the job done perfectly, I just don't want to do it at all. So things pile up. Then they get overwhelming and I avoid my house so I don't have to see everything I need to do. I get so overwhelmed by it that I don't even know where to start and because of all of this, I tend to live my life in a state of physical and emotional chaos. My husband is somewhat the same. He wants it done perfectly and he thinks he can accomplish perfection in half the time a normal person would. When it isn't done on that time frame, he gets discouraged and also lets it pile up. It doesn't help that we are both youngest children and very classically the youngest. We tend to look at life and think everything will just come together and work itself out. We are not anal retentive about plans, timing or housework. We also DESPISE hurting each others feelings. This sometimes poses a problem because it is hard to keep each other accountable on some things because we don't want the other to be upset. Emotionally and spiritually, we totally rock at accountability. Housework and finances though, uh, yeah we need to work on the accountability factor a little bit! It's easier to pick up the other ones dishes than say, "Hey, could you take care of that before you go to bed?" I know it is silly, but it is our life.

Well, here is where my amazing husband comes in. We have been wrestling with where God's plan is taking our lives for some months now. (Those of you who are regulars to my blog already know this!) We have spent a lot of time in prayer seeking God's face and asking for godly wisdom and direction. We both feel like we have so much potential and that we are not living up to that potential. We waste so many God given opportunities because we live in a constant state of hurry and chaos. My husband came to me and told me that things need to change. It has been said before but this time he said it with a different conviction. Maybe that conviction comes from the fact that now we are starting to see the same in our children. Scary thought! I'm seeing my children not wanting to pick up their messes (though I know it is a challenge for all parents, ours seems a step beyond what I see my friends walking through), not respecting their own or others property and having an overall "who cares" attitude. I know they are capable of better! I see how respectful they are when they are at friends houses, their teachers tell me how amazing they are at school. They have the ability but aren't living up to their potential. This is the part as a mom that really sucks, it's my and my husbands fault. Ouch! What example have we set for them? What expectations have we given them? We have set our kids up to fail! Thank God that He in His grace and wisdom can cover over that! Thank God that our kids are young enough to make these life changes without harsh side effects!

My husband said it and then implemented it. I've got to admit, I wasn't sure how it was going to play out. And how on earth was it actually going to get accomplished? Every bare surface had a stack of papers or books or kids treasures stacked on it. (Did I mention earlier that we are both stackers as well? Yeah, well......) But my husband just started tackling it one pile at a time. His goal was for a perfectly organized living room. It's the first room you see when you walk into my house and the room you see from our picture window. (Have I mentioned that my mom-in-law is my next door neighbor? Talk abt keeping the curtains pulled!) I had beautiful intentions of helping him. Life had other plans. They entailed a puking 6 yr old, then a feverish cranky extremely clingy teething 2 yr old and now a 4 yr old who suddenly spiked a high fever and doesn't want to drink anything because it hurts to swallow. I have spent my free time holding my children and administering motrin every 6 hrs. I was so discouraged at what I thought was going to be a set back. But my husband did something he has never done. He factored life into his calculations and didn't get discouraged when things weren't perfect in the perfect amount of time. Though I apologized for not getting more done (my role has involved making dinner, holding kids, going through a small stack of papers to file or throw away, and mowing 1/2 the lawn before being called in to run a lukewarm bath for a feverish, shaking, aching 4 yr old) my dear sweet husband did exactly what he should have. He reassured me that I was doing the most important thing I could by taking care of our children.

I'm proud to say that for the FIRST time in almost 11 yrs of marriage EVERY surface, closet, bookcase, picture, window, tv and carpet in our living room is completely clean!!!!!!!!!!!! Those of you who are clean freaks will never understand how good it feels for two clutterbugs to have one room finally completely organized and clean! The kitchen is next. He caught up with all the dishes, there is not a single dirty dish in my kitchen (even though I cooked dinner tonight)! My counters are free of clutter and completely clean. My coffee pot is completely accessible!!!!!!!! We still have some projects to go in there before we can start on our room, then the bathroom, then the kids room and finally the basement but we have a beautiful start! My husbands state of mind seems better. He has more patience and is way less stressed out. My kids have still had some disrespectful moments but they handled their consequences much better than usual. It has been easier to be consistent about demanding respect and first time obedience. We still will have the battle to teach them to be respectful of their things but for the first time that battle doesn't seem overwhelming and an unattainable goal. And I am better. I LOVE having an area of my house that is peaceful. It has been nice to spend some quiet time in the mornings before the household is awake and in the evenings after they are asleep. It's much more enjoyable to have my morning coffee and time in the Word in a peaceful place not a chaotic place. Like, did you know that God speaks in living rooms too? Not just parks, car rides, church or any of the usual places I tend to look for Him and hear Him the clearest. Who knew?

I am for the first time in my life encouraged and excited about the state of my house. For those of you who have visited my home, you would be amazed and floored at the slow but steady changes that have happened and continue to happen. I actually have time and space to iron, something I haven't done in years! I know it sounds silly, but I feel that we are on the right track to beginning to live up to the calls God has for us. I'm still not 100% sure what those calls are or where He is taking us, but I do feel that we are the closest we have ever been to knowing what He has in store for us!

Jer 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

I lied

2009-07-01T21:24:00.003-06:00

Ugh, I feel icky. I had another teachable moment tonight with my Will. It wasn't nearly as easy for me as yesterdays was. While I was downstairs collecting jammies for my kiddos, Will and Ethan had a run in that involved lying. Will was given his consequence and when I returned upstairs I was informed of the incident. I asked Will if he had made things right with Dad. The answer was no so I prompted him to go apologize to his Daddy for lying. Will did say sorry but he didn't understand why he said sorry. In comes teachable moment (I'm not this original, I saw it on a tv show and pirated it). I pulled Will up to me and said, "After we get your brothers to bed I'm going to take you to the movies." He started to get excited but realized something was up when I didn't give him a high 5 when he asked for it. "What's up, Mom?" I looked him dead in the eye and said, "I lied. We are not going to the movies honey, I lied." He started to cry. Who wouldn't? I asked him how he felt when mom lied to him and he let me know that his feelings were really hurt. BINGO! That's how Mom and Dad feel when he lies to us, our feelings are hurt. We want to trust that what our son says is the truth but when he lies often to get out of trouble, it is difficult to trust him. Not trusting him hurts our hearts. I think it really sunk in. He went over and told Dad that he was sorry for telling a lie and sorry for hurting Dad's feelings. I also apologized for lying and hurting Will's feelings. He saw what it is like to be lied to, hurt by those lies and then apologized to. When I was tucking him in bed he told me that he was still a little sad. Yeah, lies hurt us and the hurt doesn't always go away as quickly as the apology is over. So we went to bed discussing what the Bible says about lying, Ps 34:12-14 " Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. " My son wasn't the only one to cry tonight, his Mama did too.

teachable moment

2009-06-30T23:54:00.003-06:00

Today was an interestingly fabulous day. This morning my kiddos woke me at 5:30. I'm not a morning person at all so the timing was a bit rough. My sweetie put in a movie for them and they let us go back to sleep until about 7:30. While hubby and I got 2 extra hours of sleep, my kids did not and cranky is an accurate description of them. While listening to the umpteenth argument of the day, I decided it was a good time to start my day with prayer. I prayed that the Lord would give me godly wisdom in dealing with my children today, that He would give me extra grace for the day, that I would love my children the way He does and that I would be able to keep my cool. I am pleased to say, that prayer was answered. The day progressed with no significant mishaps (just ruining the last cup of coffee in the house with spoiled half and half and then the same old sibling fights that had been already going on.) My oldest decided just before dinner time was a great time to get really lippy and nasty with me. While he was in timeout, I thought of a facebook update I read today. My friends son used the "I hate you" card for the first time. Someone commented on her post that words are like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube. As I thought of this, a stroke of genius hit me. After timeout when we were talking about his attitude and words I pulled him into the bathroom with me. I had a sample tube of toothpaste from the dentist and I had my son squeeze out the entire tube onto a plastic bag. He told me he didn't understand but he squeezed out the entire tube. Then I asked him to put it all back into the tube. He looked at me again and said, "I don't get it." But he tried only to realize that it is quite impossible to refill the toothpaste tube. Then we sat and talked about it. I asked him how easy was it to squeeze the toothpaste out. He said very. I told him that was like his words. They come out easily when he doesn't think before he speaks. Then I asked how easy was it to put the toothpaste back in. His eyes got huge and he said it wasn't easy at all and that it actually made a bigger mess. Exactly my point. We can apologize for our words but we can never take them back. Sometimes trying to take back the words and hurt we have caused actually makes a bigger mess. Once the words (and the toothpaste) were out, there was no putting them back in. It didn't matter how much you wish you hadn't squeezed the toothpaste, that did not change the fact that toothpaste was out. Our words are the same, no matter how much we regret them or want to take them back into our mouths never said, they still can cause a mess. Once they have left the mouth, they cannot be reclaimed and the best you can hope for is forgiveness. One more good example of why we need to think before we speak! I think he got the lesson, but of equal importance I know I did!

Ephesians 4:29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

favoritist movie in the whole wide world!

2009-06-26T22:25:00.002-06:00

Tonight I opted once the family was in bed to tackle a stack of ironing and watch the end of one of my favorite favorite movies, Anne of Green Gables. First of all, that was the most ironing my poor iron has seen at one shot in over 5 yrs! I can always find more important things than ironing and usually I iron as I need something rather than ironing before I hang the clothes in the closet. It's kinda a nice feeling to have shirts in the closets that we can just grab and go now!

I am so utterly enthralled with Anne of Green Gables. I remember my mom reading me the whole series when I was little. I re-read the books several times growing up and I remember the first time I saw the movie. It was on PBS during a pledge-a-thon. I was so thrilled to see my favorite books on film, and so beautifully and accurately reproduced! It was like Anne had jumped out of the book and became real. It remains one of my favorite movies of all time. My darling husband bought the 4 disc dvd series of it for me for Valentines day. He remembered that I had gotten the movie once from the library and had stopped to look at it in Costco a few times so he got it. I cried. Yes, such a girl thing, but I did. Words cannot express what this gift meant to me. To him it was something I would enjoy, to me it was the most fitting and beloved Valentines gift I have ever received (with the exception of my engagement ring!) To me it is the epitome of romance and treasured childhood memories. To me it was a gift that said, "I know you."

Ok, so now you know my obsession with Anne and where it stems from. Tonight as I was watching disc 3 (part 2 of Anne of Green Gables The Sequel) I was just as enraptured as always. I have two favorite parts. The first is when Anne is talking to Katherine Brooks asking her to come to Green Gables for holiday. Katherine is a prickly difficult teacher who hates teaching and hates her life. She is constantly finding the negative in everything and tries to bring those around her down as well. Katherine finally accepts and says that Anne can go about her pretending to be excited and how they will have a great time. Anne responds with, "I am delighted but as for having a great time, that will be entirely up to you!" This is a lesson I tell my kids often, so often in fact that they really hate hearing it. Fun is an attitude not an activity. I had fun ironing tonight, not because ironing is fun but because I decided that I wanted to enjoy my evening. I put a time limit on myself so I wouldn't feel overwhelmed but I was enjoying my time in a quiet house with a favorite movie that I ended up ironing the entire pile! Fun was in my attitude not in my circumstances.

The other favorite part is at the end when she and Gilbert Blythe are talking about her book on Avonlea. She tells him that she will be staying in Avonlea instead of going back to teach in the town where she had been for the last year. And then she tells him this, "I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and I realized that it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it." This is pretty common for women, and I can totally relate. We women tend to romanticize things so much that we overlook the beauty all around us. I had people ask me for a couple of years before I started dating Ethan why I didn't date him. My answer was always "He's just my best friend. It would be weird to date him." I had visions of prince charming riding in on a white horse that kept me from seeing that my prince charming was standing right in front of me. For a time right after high school and until I got married, actually, I went on a romance novel boycott. I never read trashy novels, as a matter of fact they were usually Christian romance that I read. But I decided that romance novels do to women what porn does to men, they give unrealistic expectations of what you are looking for in someone special. I realized that I was so obsessed with finding the man of my dreams that I had composed in my head. In my head I had the perfect boyfriend and was perpetually disappointed when the boys I dated were not that man. I didn't realize that I loved Ethan as much as I did (and still do!) because I had a prewired prediction of what romance was. I was looking for my dreams outside of myself. You know when I realized Ethan was "the one"? One day I called him as soon as I got home from work to tell him a joke I had heard at work. As the phone rang I suddenly realized that Ethan was (and still is!) my very best friend in the whole world. He was the first person I called when I wanted to share a funny, the first I called when I had a crummy day, the first I called when I had exciting news, when I wanted to hang out, when I just needed to vent. A voice in my head said, "Didn't you always want to marry your best friend?" and a light clicked on in my head. Ethan is my prince charming! I had so many romantic ideals that I didn't see the love of my life standing right in front of me pursuing me and romancing me!

I love the movie. I think it is the most beautiful film I have ever seen. It makes me laugh and makes me cry and makes me love my hubby even more. Ethan is my Gilbert Blythe, the man I dreamed about my whole life, the man who pursues me, loves me and protects me. He encourages me to "write about Avonlea", to be true to myself. He, just like Gil with Anne, pursued me even when I was trying to convince us both that it could never work because we were just too good of friends. Is there anything better in the entire world than being loved for who you are and without conditions? Man am I blessed to have a husband who embodies Christs love for me, as I am and without conditions!

lessons form the e.r.

2009-06-19T01:23:00.003-06:00

It's been a long week and I am officially tired of seeing the wonderful staff at SkyRidge hospital. This evening Will got angry and threw sand at Evan. Lots of the sand went in Evan's eyes. My poor little boy was screaming and screaming and screaming. We did our best to flush his eyes but at 4 it is difficult to understand and to stay still. I thought I had gotten it all out. Evan fell asleep on my lap after dinner but woke up rather abruptly screaming that his eyes hurt. I pulled back his eyelid to see that there was still a nice amount of sand in there. I called the pediatrician, they say go to the e.r. to have his eyes flushed and to do a test to make sure the cornea wasn't scratched. Ethan stayed with the other 2 kids (it was after all, past bedtime by this point.) As I walked in with Evan who was now happy and smiling again, I couldn't help but think, "Weren't we just here with Daddy? They must know my name by now!" I also wondered how this hospital has already eaten up our FSA through the insurance. So much for the hearing aids, they must wait till next year I suppose. But I digress.

So my outgoing little boy has made friends with 2 people in the waiting room, the front desk staff, both triage nurses, the e.r. doctor, the pediatric nurses and the boy in the room to the left of us before they even treat him. He tried terribly hard to convince the doctor that he felt all better and she didn't need to look at his eyes anymore. When she put the numbing drops in his eyes I had to help hold him down. I leaned over his legs and held his hands while the nurse held his head still and his eye open. He screamed and tried to kick and did everything he could to get us off of him. Then they had to put the dye in his eye so they could check for corneal scratching. Again we all held him and this time he screams, "I want my Daddy!" Talk about heart wrenching! Thankfully the scratches that are on his cornea are all superficial and will heal quickly. Then they have to rinse his eyes out. This was the worst part. Two male nurses, both significantly big men and bigger than Daddy, were needed to do this part. One held Evan's head and thought that having Ev lay on his hands would keep him from moving them. I know better so again I helped hold down my son so they could treat him. He was screaming, begging us to stop hurting his eyes. It was a mother's nightmare, hearing your child beg you to stop hurting him when you know that what is happening is actually not hurting but helping.

This isn't the first time that I have walked this road with one of my children. When Will was 3 we had an experience that also involved me holding him down for a doctor to treat a wound. He looked me in the eyes, crying and said, "Mommy, please tell my doctor to stop hurting me! Please tell her NOW!" Nothing is harder as a parent. I also have had to hold Josh down for various medical testing. My children look to me to protect them and at that moment, in their eyes not only was I not protecting them, I was helping someone hurt them. But I knew something that they didn't. I know that had the sand remained in Evan's eyes the scratches could have become deeper and caused serious damage. I know that what Evan saw as hurting him was actually helping him. I saw the big picture. Because I saw the big picture, I knew that temporary pain was necessary to help his eyes heal. Because I saw the big picture, I held him down and forced him to experience something he didn't like to avoid something that could have been dangerous.

Do you think that someone else may see the bigger picture? Do you think it could be possible that sometimes God allows us to go through uncomfortable or even painful things because He knows that if we stay on the path of destruction that a much worse fate awaits us? I didn't hold my children down because I enjoy hearing them scream or because I have fun seeing them hurt. I held them down so that they could get the medical treatment that they needed to heal. I held them down so that there wasn't permanent damage done to their bodies. I was actually protecting them though I know they didn't see it that way at the time. My question is this, how often is our Father also allowing us to experience something yucky, something that we may have seen as Him not protecting us or maybe even as Him hurting us, so that He can keep us from permanent damage? Though it is not fun to hurt, maybe just maybe, not everything that hurts is bad after all.

mistakes vs. miracles

2009-06-14T01:12:00.004-06:00

I believe fully in the sanctity of life. I believe that God is the author of life and that He in His infinite wisdom does not make mistakes! An unplanned child is not always an unwanted child. An unplanned child is not a mistake. God does not make mistakes, He makes miracles. There have been many amazing people who were once thought to be "mistakes." One of them is very special to me. My Grandma believed my dad to be a mistake. Those of you who know my dad know that nothing could be further from the truth. My dad is an amazing man who would go out of his way to help anyone, he is kind and loving and has influenced many many people. He is not famous, not a pro athlete, not a movie star, not a politician, not even particularly wealthy. Does that make him less valuable? Never! I still cannot step into his church without hearing at least once, "Oh, you're Jim's daughter!" Ask the people who he has had visions of and interceded for tirelessly until their situation changed, if he was a mistake or a miracle. Ask the men who he regularly meets with to pray, or the people who he has worked with over the years, his employers, his neighbors, his friends and his daughter, if we think he is less important or less valuable because he was a "mistake." A resounding no will be everyones answer. Though at the time his mom didn't appreciate that he was a miracle, that didn't change the fact that he was and is created in the image of God. Had abortion been legal when my grandmother was pregnant, I would not be here today. I'm kinda tired of hearing how everyone would get abortions on demand whether it were legal or not. I'm not downplaying the women who did indeed have illegal abortions and had serious medical problems and even death. I know it happened. What so many refuse to acknowledge though is that it still happens. I knew someone who had more than one "back ally abortion" because she was afraid that if she went to the doctor, her parents would find out. What about though, all the women like my grandma who didn't have an abortion because it wasn't legal? I have a few friends who have had abortions and I know in each of their cases that had it been illegal, they would not have gone that road. I know that I will offend some of you with this post and though my intentions are not to offend, I don't apologize for my stand. As the daughter of a man who was considered a mistake and is the farthest thing from a mistake that I have ever known, I can say with conviction and passion that I do not believe that God makes mistakes, only miracles. Ps 127:3 "Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward. " Notice that it doesn't give conditions. It's not children who are of wealthy families, or born of ideal circumstances, or even planned and desired children that are a gift from the Lord; it is all children! Yes, even the ones conceived from rape and incest, even the ones whose parents don't know how they will feed another mouth, even the ones who die in utero/early in infancy/childhood, even the ones conceived in adultery, even the ones who's parents think the child is a mistake, they are all gifts from the Lord, blessings and miracles. I am tired of maternal rights that take away the child's right. Remember this one, I'm sure you will,
“We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty,and the pursuit of happiness."These words are from our Declaration of Independence. These words say that in this country every person is given an unalienable right to life. I have carried 3 children. I have felt life move within me. I saw a heart beat, brain and spine via ultrasound at the tender age of 5 1/2 wks gestation. Don't tell me that it isn't a life, I know better. Or shall we look at the fact that all are created equal. If that is truth, then please explain why a woman's "reproductive rights" supersede the child's right to life. I am PRO-LIFE and not ashamed of that fact. I am however tired of being referred to as anti-choice when I make my stand that each and every life has value. I don't condemn my friends who chose abortion. I know that it is between them and God and not my place nor my desire to bring judgement. I love them the same as I did before their choice. I have no interest in hate mongering, in shooting abortion providers, or in condemning those who have experienced the fear and uncertainty of unplanned pregnancy and made a choice based on that fear. I believe in a Jesus who forgave prostitutes and tax collectors. I believe in a Jesus who's "loving kindness draws us to repentance," not in a God who angrily awaits the day when He can give us "what for" for our mistakes. I do believe that abortion is murder and therefore a sin but here is something else I believe. I believe that when I gossip and tear down someone else, that is also a sin. What about hate? 1 John 3:15 "Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer." I'm not one who believes that I am a better person because I believe in life. I know that I sin and fall short of the glory of God, daily. My sins are no different in the eyes of God and therefore I will not make them different in my eyes. I will continue to fight for the unborn. I will continue to be passionate about my belief that God is the author of all life. But that doesn't make me "anti-choice" it makes me "pro-life."

maybe too late at night?

2009-06-10T00:15:00.004-06:00

I'm feeling random right now. I'm pretty excited about something. I have had an idea on my mind for a while. I've hesitated in sharing that idea with my husband for fear that he would immediately shoot it down. This morning I finally decided I'd get his opinion and I got a much happier reception than I thought I would. I know, I'm being vague again, but today it suits me. We have some things that need our immediate attention so we will revisit the idea again once our attention does not need to be so scattered.

I am also intrigued by a friend right now. Well, he is more of an acquaintance, really. He is someone who I knew back when I was in high school but not someone I was ever close with. I just spent the last hour reading his blog from the last couple of years. I find some of his ideas to be rather interesting and my brain is now stimulated to look into some of the things he mentioned. We have differing political views on some things, but I have differing political views with many of my friends. I am fascinated by his theology as well. So now I have something new to research, just in case I ever find any spare time. ;) I enjoy hearing what molds peoples opinions and why people think the way they do. He gave me some good starting points to understand why he believes the way he does.

I have decided that what was originally going to be a blog about hope may need to be done in parts. I am learning enough to fill a thesis rather than a short blog. Who knew that tripping across one little verse could occupy so much of my heart, brain and time. (I do mean tripped over the verse, it was on the only page of my Bible that I have to keep putting back in because it is no longer attached to the binding!) I am studying what it means to put my hope in the Lord and am completely enthralled.

I also caught up on the ministry of a friend who I have known since I was a child. She has an amazing ministry and it was wonderful to see how the Lord is moving through her. Oddly enough, I found it because her daughter's blog is one of my favorites to read. (I haven't quite figured out how to include the link in my post but it is The Spirit and Truth Study in the blogs I follow under view my complete profile, for anyone who is interested in checking it out.)

I continue to daily be amazed that the Lord desires me, loves me and wants to be intimately involved in my life. My life is not glamorous. My job is to wipe faces and tushes, feed mouths, drive to playdates, try to keep up with the dishes, the laundry, the lawn mowing and all those other tedious chores. I live the life of a stay at home mom. It may not be glamorous but the pay is great! In the midst of my jeans and t-shirts, messy house and less than perfect parenting, my Jesus still is interested in my life! He still brings redemption to my screw ups. That is testimony to Him, definitely not me. Somehow He bridges the gap of my mistakes and fills in all the holes that I leave as a good imperfect parent. What a lovely thought! My savior loves me just the way I am and yet still gently molds me into what He wants me to be.

So on all of those random notes, I think maybe I should get to bed before Ethan's alarm clock goes off! Sleep is a good thing that I don't take advantage of nearly enough!

consider it pure joy

2009-06-07T22:03:00.003-06:00

I guess I should start with a church update. We have been going to my friend Ryan's church since my post "keep walking". I have really enjoyed it and today for the first time Ethan was able to join me. We both feel that even if it is not our permanent home, we are meant to be there right now. My kids are actually excited, which is very fun to see. They ask every week when I say we are going to church if we can go to Ryan's church. I haven't seen them actually excited about church in some time.

The sermon this morning was very interesting and left me with a lot to think about. Ryan is currently doing a series in Revelation about the 7 churches. Today was Smyrna. Here is what intrigued me, Rev 2:10-11 "Do not be afraid of what you are about to suffer. I tell you, the devil will put some of you in prison to test you, and you will suffer persecution for ten days. Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you the crown of life. He who has an ear let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. He who overcomes will not be hurt at all by the second death." The Smyrnan church was not told, "Gee, I love you so I'm not going to let you suffer." Jesus told them that they will suffer, but that He would be with them through the suffering. This got me to thinking about modern Christianity a little bit. It seems that so many believe that signing up to follow Jesus means that He will keep you from all suffering, discomfort, pain, etc... Jesus never promised us that! He said that if they persecuted Him that we should expect persecution. James 1:2-4 says to "consider it pure joy when we face trials of many kinds because the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything." I know that I don't always think "This is pure joy that I am struggling right now." I like many, tend to complain first. Why is this happening to us? How often have you heard someone say, "IF God were good, He wouldn't allow......"?

Now though, think about the times in your life that have strengthened your faith. Has it been the easy times? Has it been when you are experiencing God's hand of blessing, when you seem like you can do no wrong? I know for me, my greatest growth has come from my pain. Two years of infertility and a miscarriage before my sweet Will was born was excruciating. I spent many a night crying listening to lullabies wondering how long my arms would be empty. Yet in that, I pressed in to my Father. I choose to believe that whether God ever gave me a baby to hold or if my arms stayed empty that God is still good and that He still loves me. Through that time I learned to call out to my heavenly Father and then "Be still and know...", something that I'm not always so good at.

Another huge growth experience in my life was just last year when my youngest, my dear sweet Joshua was ill. I took him to the pediatricians at 6 months old for a suspected ear infection and learned that he had lost weight. Thinking that it was an effect of being sick, they rescheduled us to come back in 2 weeks for another weight check. When we returned, he had lost weight again. Blood work was done, not so fun for mom or Josh. Diagnosed with RTA, a kidney condition which causes the blood to be acidic and therefore nutrients are not being absorbed. It was easily treatable with medicine and we were told that he would grow out of it between 2-3 yrs old. We continued to go in every 2 wks for weight checks and he did stabilize on the meds but still wasn't gaining much, maybe 4 oz in 2 wks. Then from nowhere he started dropping weight again and the tests started all over again. Going to Children's for Cystic Fibrosis testing, genetic screenings, tons of blood work, still no answers for us. Go see a nutrition specialist at Children's who also can give us no answers. Shortly after his 1st birthday we had to take him in to the hospital for an upper and lower G.I. Still no answers. I remember when the doctor said have him tested for CF. I drove around and cried. I remember very clearly saying as I drove trying to clear my head, "Lord, I know he is yours not mine, but I am not ready to give him back to you." At that moment I knew that I had learned that trusting God with my children is difficult but I do. I really do believe that they are on loan to me from a gracious and loving God for a short time. Would I have ever fully understood this had I not been through pain? Maybe, but not in the way that I know it now. (By the way, my Joshy "grew out of his condition" earlier than expected, at 18 months. He is now a very healthy little boy and in 1 yr has jumped from less than 3%ile to 75%ile in height and from less than3% to 50% for weight. You would never know to look at him that there was a time when we wondered if he would ever be ok!)

So this is my point, when we are facing trials, instead of insisting that God deliver us from them, maybe first we should just realize that He is still with us. One of my favorite quotes says "God never promised us smooth sailing, just a safe landing." Remember that God never promised to take away our pain, only to walk through it with us. He will never leave us or forsake us! What an amazing promise, that our Savior will never leave us!

"famous" pancakes

2009-06-06T13:09:00.003-06:00

4 mornings in a row now I have been asked, no begged to make pancakes. I have named them berry coffee cake pancakes and Will says they are world famous. I'm not really a culinary genius but my kids think I am so here goes.......

BERRY COFFEE CAKE PANCAKES

pancake mix and ingredients to make batter
1 c. blueberries (I used strawberries when I ran out of blueberries and it was still yummy)
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
1 tsp pure almond extract
1 Tbsp cinnamon
a sprinkle of raw (turbinado) suger (a sprinkle is maybe a tsp or 2?)
mix it all up and make pancakes like usual.

We even ran out of syrup and everyone still loved them even without syrup! Super yummy!

better

2009-06-02T11:43:00.003-06:00

I am so thankful for the friends who have emailed and called to check on me after my last post. I really process my feelings through writing, and that is what I did. I wrote, between me and God to figure things out. Then for whatever unknown reason, I posted it. Maybe to allow you to see that I am far from having it all figured out, but I do trust that God is at the center of my life and will care for me even through the struggles. It is almost strange the amount of peace and healing that came just from writing about my struggles and sharing them. I have always been told that the devil likes to work in darkness. He will take my weaknesses, my fears, my doubts and make everything seem so much worse than it actually is. When I allow it all to be brought to the light, there is healing, grace, support, and peace. I do really trust that the Lord will carry us through this difficult time. He has never failed us before, I know He won't start now! My son asked me one day if we were poor. I answered no, we have so much to be thankful for. There are people who will go to bed tonight in a box not in a home, there are people who don't have enough food to eat and are starving to death, there are people who are sick but cannot see a doctor, there are people who don't have cars, homes, food, clothes, family, or God. Things may be tight but we have faced much worse. Things may be difficult but we have never gone without. The Lord is faithful to His promises and loving toward all He has made. I will continue to sing the praises of the Lord. I will continue to rely on Him through everything. I will continue to trust that His ways are good and that He has a purpose and a future for us. He is good, even when life isn't. Period, end of story. God is still good, He is still God and He is still sovereign.

the very ugly truth

2009-05-30T23:55:00.004-06:00

Ok, so this one turned out to be pretty long. I wrote this to figure things out in my own head and I'm not even sure yet why I am posting it, but I am going to anyway. So prepare yourself for the ugly truth about my internal battle..........

I don’t know if I am writing for myself or writing to share yet. Today I will write and analyze later. I have an inward battle going on. My clothes are fitting loosely but I refuse to step on the scale. I refuse because I think I may like what the numbers say. That sounds a bit crazy, I know. Most people LOVE to see the numbers on the scale drop. I am no exception to this but I have different circumstances. First of all, the numbers have not been dropping because I am being so diligent about exercising and eating well. The numbers are dropping because of stress and not eating as well as I should. The other reason I refuse to see what the numbers say is very personal for me. See for many years I struggled with anorexia. I have been healthy for a number of years now but I am also aware of how easy a relapse is because I have also experienced that. I’m afraid that if the numbers tell me something that I like that it will be easy to continue to not take care of myself. My husband would be so angry if he heard me say this, my not taking good enough care of myself is completely rooted in fear. Money is tight, really, really tight right now. I feel guilty every time I eat anything more than a pb&j. I haven’t been eating enough to get good and full for about a week now, with the exception of the sandwich I had the night Ethan had surgery and the sandwich my mom-in-law made for me the following day. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty and I’m not writing this to play on sympathy or to gather advice about my eating habits. I am writing to figure things out in my own heart, to gain clarity and if I share it, I will let it all hang out with brutal honesty. If I skip breakfast, there will be plenty of milk for my husband to have cereal and my kids to have morning milk. Then comes lunch, I make the kids food and give them the fruit and veggies. After all, they need the nutrition and the good eating habits formed early in life. I eat something small late in the afternoon, and that has been because my head hurts and I suddenly realize that I have still not eaten for the day. Dinner has been anything super easy right now. I just don’t have the energy to referee my kids and try to make a meal and care for my post-op husband. Therefore, dinner is a pb&j, or a can of soup, or if we have enough milk, a bowl of cereal.

Today the Lord showed me that my feeling guilty about eating is telling Him that I don’t trust Him to take care of me. He has always provided for us, we have never gone hungry or without clothes or shelter. I have never ever feared that God would not take care of me or my family. Why now? I have had unbelievable faith, and have seen God provide in amazing ways. I have no doubt that He cares enough for me and for my family to provide for our basic needs. Yet this week I fear. I have tried to dethrone my Savior and take control myself. I can see no way out so I don’t give Him opportunity to move in my life because it seems impossible to me. The Holy Spirit has gently chided me and is reminding me that my God is much bigger than my circumstances. As I worry He reminds me of Matthew 6:25-34. "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life. And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I also now in my head hear my best friend and my husband reminding me that I need to put on my oxygen mask. My best friend and I often remind each other of the safety speech given on an airplane before take off. If there is a drop in cabin pressure and the masks drop out, you are instructed to put your own mask on first before helping others with theirs, this includes putting your mask on before putting a mask on your child. You aren’t really much help to anyone if you pass out because you didn’t take care of your needs. I know that I am a much better wife, mommy, friend and woman when I take the time to take care of me but in the midst of taking care of everyone else I sometimes forget that my oxygen mask is vitally important.

Father, forgive me for once again thinking that my ways are better than yours. Forgive me for worrying and doubting in your faithfulness. Forgive me for hurting myself, this beautiful temple that you have given me, and for allowing my doubts to keep me from seeking your face. I surrender my fear, doubt, insecurity and hurt to you. I will allow you to be God and stop trying to take you off your throne. I trust you and I know that you are "faithful to all your promises and loving toward all you have made." Thank you that your mercys are new every morning, great is your faithfulness unto me, O Lord.

thoughts from the brink of exhaustion

2009-05-29T23:09:00.002-06:00

I can always tell when I am exhausted or when my thyroid is messed up again. I find myself dwelling on things that I normally don't. Today I can check off both causes. Ethan had emergency surgery this week. Needless to say I am both physically and emotionally exhausted. And I have missed the last several nights of my thyroid medication because I was out and things were so crazy that I didn't get it refilled until today. At least I can pinpoint the reason for my feelings but that does not change that they are there. Here is what my mind processes when I am in the before said state. I am lonely. How can I possibly be lonely when I have a ton of wonderful friends, an absolutely amazing hubby, kids who adore me, fabulous parents and parents-in-law both nearby? For some reason when I get to this point I start to analyze if my friends actually like me or just tolerate me. For some reason when I get to this point I feel as if I must be superwoman and must do everything alone without help. For some reason when I get to this point I fear my husband dying and having to tackle this crazy parenting journey without the love and support of the most important person in my life. I start to over analyze everything. I guess it is my weakness. Yet as I type that it is my weakness, I hear "In my weakness, He is made strong." I do not have the strength in myself to handle everything on my plate right now. Maybe that is the point though. If I could do it in my strength, then why would I need God? If my strength was enough, if I could manage everything alone without help, would I really turn to God? I am overly aware of my own shortcomings, but thankfully my Father covers over them with His love and grace. Tonight before I fall asleep, I am thankful that "tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet" and I am grateful that His mercys are new every morning, great is His faithfulness. Thankfully even when I try to take my life out of His hands and handle it on my own, He still carries me through!
"Every day I look to you to be the strength of my life. You're the hope I hold on to to be the strength of my life."

come to me

2009-05-26T14:21:00.002-06:00

"How are you doing?" the words came through the telephone. My response, "I'm good, just tired." Tired doesn't exactly cover it, physically and emotionally exhausted would be a little more accurate. It has been a rough few days. My husband hurt his back and has been pretty well incapacitated all weekend long. The kids unintentionally keep bumping his chair or the bed which sends him to extreme pain. I've been trying to keep them as much as possible from rough housing, climbing on Superman (aka Dad), or just bumping into him. It has been a daunting task. My children came pre-wired with a 6th sense that alerts them to a parent not functioning 100%. They go into "attack mode" when this happens, kinda like a shark to blood. It always happens when one of us is physically or emotionally struggling and my kids become savages. Today alone, I have had the jug of green juice spilled on my bathroom floor, apple juice poured on my kitchen floor, 1 1/2 lbs of strawberries dumped out on the floor and bites out of nearly half of them, "Mom, my brother just peed on my bed!", and "Please keep the underwear on your tushy, no one wants to see your potty part!" Not to mention that my kids have decided that 3 kids is too many so they are trying to decrease our ranks by killing each other. I think that "tired" was actually a kind adjective to use. My friend hears my kids screaming in the background and asks me if she can bring them to her house for a couple of hours so I can have a break. Now that defines a friend! I jumped at the chance and my house is actually quiet as I type. The moment she arrived to pick them up Matthew 11:28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" starts going through my mind. What an amazing offer! Weary, that describes me right now. Burdened, yep, that one covers me as well. I feel as though I have been through a battle zone. Here I was in the middle of chaos trying to figure out what more I could do when what I really needed to do is come to my Father and He will give me rest. In the craziness of it all I forgot that He even cares about my rest. I've been do do doing, caring for my family, and all that entails, but I have forgotten the most important part, to come to Him. I sometimes forget that I matter as much to God as my family does. I know that He cares for my family even more than I do, but I get so busy that I forget to allow Him to care for me as well. Today my heavenly Father cared for me through a friends kindness. The funny thing is that I did come to Him, I had just forgotten by the time my friend called. This morning while crying and moping up green juice I prayed, "Jesus, help me. I can't do this by myself today." He sent me an angel in the form of a friend who helped me to rest and gain perspective. What an amazing God we serve that He cares about even the smallest details.

there, their, and they're

2009-05-24T20:57:00.001-06:00

Yes, I do know the difference though my last blog implies otherwise!

like a child?

2009-05-24T20:43:00.002-06:00

Today has been a crazy day in our household. For some reason today the kids bickered more than usual, tried to beat each other to a pulp more than usual, and talked extremely louder than usual! Every request was made by yelling several decibels louder than actually necessary and my patience as a mom was sorely tested. As we put our kids to bed, still squabbling at each other, I had a thought that made me laugh. After the older boys were in there room, I looked at my husband and said, "What exactly do you think that it means to come to God as children?" We both laughed but I realize how often I really do. How often do I go to God the way my children came to me today? "Mom! He hit me!" "Mom! He destroyed my bed!" "Mom he won't leave me alone!" "Mom! He is still touching me!" "Mom! He made the mess not me! I don't have to clean it up do I?" Those of you who are parents know these days. God knows them too. I have this week alone come to Him several times, "God, my feelings are hurt! God I was wronged, can you make it right? God I didn't make this mess, don't hold me accountable for it!" And yet, He still loves me and still cares for me. Though I won't deny that I got frustrated with my kids, I never said, "Don't tell me anymore!" God doesn't turn us away either, even when childlike is more in our behavior than in our faith. Thank God that even when I behave like my children did today, He still loves me and cares for me!

keep walking

2009-05-19T23:23:00.004-06:00

I feel slightly torn. The Lord has been "nudging" me for a few months now. Originally I pushed the nudging to the side, I didn't realize that it was HIM nudging. Now it has been hitting me more frequently and much more distinctively. "It's time to move on." These are words that I severely dislike. Background on that, we moved around a lot when I was a kid. Nope, not military, just moved a lot. Every time I felt like I was getting settled in, we would change houses or schools once again. There was a lot of uprooting and then having to go through the process of settling in once again. So, understandably, hearing the Lord say "it's time to move on" is not my idea of fun. I like where I am, I don't really want to leave. I have also tried pushing the nudging aside thinking that maybe my discontentment may be coming from a different source. Maybe I need to get some things in line in my own heart, maybe discontentment is God telling me that I need more of Him and less of me?

I had a high school reunion this weekend. (Not a tangent, I swear! Give me a minute and you'll see where I am going.) My husband and I sat with an old friend and his wife. This friend is now a pastor of a VERY small church starting out. We thoroughly enjoyed every minute of the reunion and especially the company at our table. In the car on the way home, I felt the nudging stronger than I had up to this point. Ok, God, I'm going to say it and see what my hubby thinks. After all, he IS the spiritual head of our house. If he says that I am way off base then I will honor what he says. So I jump right into it. "Honey, I have been feeling this for a couple of months now and so I want to hear your thoughts on it. I think God is leading us to a new church home." Breath held, what will he say? My husband simply agreed. He has been feeling the nudging too. He also has been wondering if he was hearing the Lord or just feeling discontent. Then I asked, "Do you want to check out Ryan's church sometime?" My husband says he was about to say those very words. Ok, now it is getting weird, God weird, but nonetheless, weird!

So here is the part that is hard for me about this whole thing. I LOVE our church! Our pastor is wonderful, I really like the teachings and the way our church takes loving people and winning our city for Christ seriously. I have made some amazing friends and have found "extended family". I am excited about our church's vision and direction. In my human mind, there is no earthly reason to leave. That's just it, no earthly reason so it must be a heavenly reason right? I know He has a plan though I'm not entirely certain what it is.

Because God knows me so well as to know that confirmation from my hubby would help but not be enough to completely seal the deal for me, He gave me other confirmation as well. The very next morning I was reading (in a random spot of the Bible, no less!) Genesis 12. The first 2 verses of the chapter are what caught me the most, " 1 The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.
2 "I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing." WOW! Now you need to know that the cry of my heart is to be a blessing. I want God to use me, I want His best, not my best.

So, my husband and I are doing what Abram did. We are packing up our bags and walking to an unknown destination. We will stop when we hear the still small voice show us the place that He wants us. I don't know if we will stop at Ryan's church or if the Lord will ask us to keep walking. I don't know what this looks like, but I know that God's hand is at the center of it. Though I am bummed to be leaving wonderful things behind, I am excited to see what God has in store for our lives. I am not leaving my MOPS group. I am actually getting more involved with that and I feel peace about it. My kids are a little nervous, this is the only church they have ever really known. I know though that obedience brings much greater reward and I trust that the Lord's plan for us is good. It could be an interesting journey though!

clean sweep

2009-05-18T12:50:00.003-06:00

Have you ever seen that show Clean Sweep on TLC? The premise of the show is people who have allowed years of clutter to overtake their homes get professional help to organize it all. The most intersting part to me is when Peter makes them take everything out of the rooms and make piles on the lawn of what is a must keep, what is trash, and what is garage sale. I watch in amazement as these people struggle against themselves, their spouses or Peter as to which things they need. As they make the piles, they see things that have been maybe buried under clutter for so long that it has been forgotten about. Well, that describes my brain right now. I have so much going on in my head that I feel the need to pull everything out and separate it just so I can think straight! I've joined mainstream America in blogging so that I can give my brain a "Clean Sweep." I may at times seem to have the ramblings of a madwoman, but it will in the long run hopefully make sense. Maybe it will make sense, maybe it won't to you the reader, but I am convinced that at least I will be able to make sense of my piles of thoughts by the time I am through! So join me on my adventure of cleaning out my brain. I'm sure I'll make you laugh, I'll probably make you cry at times, and I hope I make you think and ponder at other times. On that note, off we go........