sunsets and sunrises

It's been two weeks. In that time I've tried to figure out how do I say my dad has died? How do I say those words without feeling like they are coming across as calloused? How do I process before I feel?

The feelings finally came and they came like a tsunami, crashing over me and leveling me. When my father in law died my grief came quickly and intensely. When my dad died the reality of his death and the subsequent torrent of emotion took nearly two weeks. Both of the men I've called dad are gone and it feels vulnerable. 

He'd call me his darling daughter Dawn. I would grin and reply by calling him my darling father Dad. When asked what he wanted for his birthday, Christmas, Father's Day he would respond with "a basket full of hundred dollar bills". One year I decided to give him his basket full of hundred dollar bills. I bought money designed wrapping paper and cut out each individual "bill" and put them in a basket. He laughed so hard. It remains to this day my second favorite gift I ever gave him.

If you asked him how he was he'd say "finer than frog's hair." I'd giggle and tell him frogs didn't have hair. Eventually he moved on to saying "never been better." That was how he became known to friends and strangers alike. His gravestone will even include the words never been better. 

When I was a teenager, a traumatic event rocked my world. I pushed through and buried my emotions until they spilled over and I just couldn't push through anymore. My dad knew I had reached my breaking point. He called me out from school and took me to the arcade to blow off steam. I don't remember what I played or what we had for lunch that day or what we talked about or even if we talked at all. What I remember is how I felt. I felt seen and protected and loved. That day recharged my emotional tank and gave me the strength to keep pushing through the situation. 

When I was little and I'd have a nightmare, it was my dad who held me. He'd let me fall asleep on his chest and carry me back to bed. During baseball season my grandpa would come over and sit in the chair and my dad would lay on the couch; I'd lay next to my dad, squishing him terribly but he never complained, and I would fall asleep with the sound of his heartbeat in one ear and the sound of the Cardinals game in the other ear. 

Listening to his heartbeat was comforting. The sound of my daddy's heartbeat always brought my anxiety down. It was like in those moments I could believe everything would end up ok no matter how chaotic it was at the time. And now, the heartbeat of my dad, the most comforting sound of my childhood has stopped.

Dad, I love you. I'm glad I got to video chat with you shortly before you left. Until we meet again, my darling father Dad. 

when my fears are brought to light

I had an epiphany moment last night and couldn't stop the tears from falling. My oldest and I were talking about politics. We were talking about disagreeing with others with grace and agreed that very few people have that skill mastered. She brought up how much she loves talking with her grandma, my mother-in-law, because though they disagree on several issues politically they can talk and both at times offer a perspective the other hadn't thought about. They leave each other better for having had the conversation and love each other dearly.

I realized that I don't talk about the areas we disagree on with my mother-in-law. I smile and add nothing to the discussion and look for the closest change of subject without being rude. And the tears started falling when I realized why. 

I adore this woman with everything in me. I have said a few times that my parents raised me but my in-laws parented me. I love my parents very much and we have a complicated relationship. Last night as I talked and processed my thoughts, the feelings escaped from my eyes because I knew in that moment the reason I don't want to talk about any disagreements is because I never want her to think less of me. 

I also know this will not happen. She loves me as if she bore me. We have a phenomenal relationship. We live next door to each other and I go to her home to sit and talk over coffee or wine a few times a week. She is there when I need to cry and there to celebrate the wins. She is everything I hope to be to my kids partners. I seriously won the in-law jackpot. 

While I know she will not love me less if we disagree on a political issue, I really don't want to discuss things that might make her disapprove of me. This fear is a byproduct of other relationships. I've seen and experienced the breakdown of relationships due to not seeing eye to eye and few things would break my heart more than a rift in the relationship between me and my beloved mother-in-law. 

I was astonished at how deeply I felt the emotions as I talked this out. I was floored by how deeply the fear of rejection ran in my heart. In that moment I felt the pain of other rejections in my life. And I feared feeling that from this woman whom I adore. 

Fear isn't logical. I know that I know that I know she will love me no matter what and that we can disagree on things. We have disagreed on many things over the years and have always loved each other even when we don't see eye to eye. So my fear that she will think less of me or love me less if we disagree on politics is not logical and yet it is there. 

I guess it is time to do the work on my own heart to heal and not project my own fears onto a proven relationship.