Endings

I have far too much to process. How funny it is that it is always in those times of overwhelm that someone reminds me I need to write. This time, that someone was Hubby and his persuasion that the world needs my voice. I don't know the world needs it but I do know writing helps me process my thoughts and emotions. I guess it is time to write again.

A month ago I was laid off from my job of eight years. I saw it coming but it still was hard. I told my work wife a month before it happened that I thought they would eliminate my position in September. She assured me that wouldn't be the case but I just felt it in my gut. I was wrong, it happened the end of July. It didn't go down well. They called me in on my last day of vacation to let me go. They let go of 11 of us and said it was due to COVID that they had to make some tough decisions to eliminate positions. But then I learned they were hiring five new people. They said it wasn't personal but it sure feels personal when someone is being hired to do the job you used to do.

It was time to move on. I knew that. I just wanted it to be on my terms. I spent eight years of my life pouring my heart and soul into a company that easily discarded me. I want to be excited about my next but I have to grieve the loss of my community first. I've spent the last several weeks just surviving. I've played way too many games on my phone and barely done anything else. Today I finally feel like the fog is lifting some. 

I miss my work friends dearly. They had become so much more than coworkers to me. We have supported each other through so much over the years. But I don't actually miss the job. I thought I would but I don't. I find myself relieved that I'm not the one answering the emails wondering why the organization, including the volunteer team, was restructured. I find myself relieved to no longer have to have the "work voice" that spoke for the company. I find myself relieved to no longer feel fractured. I find myself relieved to be able to be fully true to myself, something I haven't felt in a couple of years.

I am going to be ok. I am going to find my next. In the meantime, I'm going to stop avoiding the emotions and embrace all the feels. I'm going to sit with my discomfort. I'm going to find my voice again. 

Refuge

Today is a big day personally, professionally, and politically. I have a lot going on in case that sentence didn't clue you in. And I'm not going to lie, sometimes the anxiety of it all creeps in. I've been reminding myself that God is in control no matter the outcomes.

This morning I sat at my kitchen table, coffee in hand, and read from the Psalms. I absentmindedly turned the pages struggling to focus. Honestly, that is why is was in Psalms, I can read it even when I cannot focus. These words from Psalm 118:8-9 jumped off the page and I want to share them with you.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord
    than to trust in humans.
 It is better to take refuge in the Lord
    than to trust in princes.

Oh how those words touched my soul. No matter who is nominated today for Super Tuesday, I find my refuge in the Lord not in politicians. No matter what happens in my personal life with the decisions that are to be made, I find my refuge in the Lord.

Today, no matter its outcome, I will choose to rejoice. I will trust that whether things go as I hope or otherwise that I am still in the hand of God. He has not forgotten us; He has not left us. My hope and my joy come from God, the maker of heaven and earth. And through the uncertainty and the anxiety, I will choose hope. I will choose joy. I will choose love.