having the Viagra talk

That title got your attention didn't it? There are just some things I wasn't prepared for when I became a mom. There are times that my kids cause me to pause, completely unsure of what to say. Yesterday was one of those times.

Let me back up just a little to give reference. A week or two ago my middle son asks me what Viagra is (thanks, Viagra marketing gurus for that conversation starter. I owe you one!). We make it a point to be honest when our kids ask tough questions because if we don't answer someone else will. I really want my kids getting their information from me and Dad rather than from 10-12 year olds.

Answering these questions has gotten less awkward for me over the past few years. It is no longer that big gulp of air and wishing with all my might that they had asked at a time when Dad was home to defer to. It has become second nature to give an answer matter of factly. So I answer, "It is a medicine that helps men's penises to function properly." Conversation over.

Until yesterday.....

As we left the school my oldest was telling us about silly sentences they had made up in grammar class. One of the sentences was something about "Stupid monkeys eating violently" or something to that effect. In the middle of the crosswalk, right next to my older son's female teacher, this angelic, crazy eyed middle child says at the top of his lungs,

"STUPID MONKEYS TAKING THEIR VIAGRA!"

I'm not even kidding when I say I came to a dead stop in the middle of the crosswalk COMPLETELY SPEECHLESS. The littlest keeps walking, thankfully completely unaware that his brother had said anything inappropriate. The oldest, who has never asked what Viagra does but has apparently figured out from context clues or from other kids the purpose of it, begins laughing so hard he almost falls over in middle of the crosswalk and has laughter tears streaming down his face by the time we reach the car.

Momentarily I forgot that I had the previous discussion and asked said middle child if he knew what that meant. He reminded me that I had told him it was medicine for a man's penis. I groaned and mentally hit my head against the nearest wall. Yesterday I was grateful that we've already had a basic conversation about sex with him because I had to explain a  little more in detail about how Viagra helps a man.

This honesty policy sometimes really increases the awkward level as well as the humour level in our family. I really wish someone would have prepared me for the things like this before I was a mom! How could I have ever known this crazy, wonderful, awkward, beautiful, hilarious place that the journey of motherhood could take me?


.

laughter is good medicine

I've had a few of those conversations lately.  You know, those ones that leave you scratching your head and wondering why no one ever told you that kids say the darndest things.  Last week trauma took over our house when our middle son discovered that his boy turtle is actually a girl turtle.  Um, yeah, she laid 7 eggs in the bottom of her tank.  Having never seen turtle eggs, I personally thought it was cool that our turtle had laid eggs.  My son however, not so much.

First there was a panic that we would need to rename Bob since he is a girl.  I talked him off of that ledge by telling him about a friend of mine named Bobbie who we used to call Bob.  Bob is a perfectly acceptable name for a girl turtle, we don't have to rename her.  He thought about it and then accepted that answer.  Whew, disaster averted, Bob can still be Bob!

Then he asked when the eggs would hatch so we would have baby turtles.  Uh, son, no baby turtles because there isn't a male turtle to fertilize the eggs.  These are empty eggs, no babies.  It seemed simple enough but again, my son did not see it as simply as I did.  Hysteria of mass proportions ensued.  (This is only a SLIGHT exaggeration.  Seriously people, this was his definition of something truly traumatic in his life!) I hugged my boy through sobs of

"Mooooooooom, it just issssssssn't faaaaaaaair that Bob caaaaaan't haaaaaaaave her baaaaaaaaaabies just becauuuuuuuse they don't haaaaaaaave a daaaaaaaad!"

Yeah, the sobbing made each syllable stretch to three.  It would have been comical if he hadn't been so devestated.  The next day my scientifically minded son asked if we could take the eggs to someone who has a boy turtle to get them fertilized and I had to explain that the eggs get fertilized BEFORE they are laid so there was no way to have them fertilized.  We had a highly scientific discussion about turtle reproduction.  The boy who had been a puddle of tears the night before was fine. I now know far more about breeding turtles than I ever thought I  would need to know.  Thanks Google, you're a lifesaver!

And then there was last night.  Spring is definitely coming to Colorado.  It is evidenced in our completely bipolar weather.  Windows down in the morning, snow in the evening, sun and warmth again the next day. We are more than ready for spring to be in full swing. My oldest looked at me last night and says, "Stupid groundhog seeing his shadow and giving us two more weeks of winter." Then this conversation happened.....

Me: Actually, Son, we get SIX more weeks of winter when the groundhog sees his shadow.  And not stupid groundhog.  Stupid weatherman for giving a rodent the authority to predict our weather!

E (middle child): Mom, what do they do when the groundhog dies?

Me: I suppose they get a new one.

E: Do they tell the new one that the old one died?

awkward silence

Me: ummmmmmm

E: Well, they really should.  He should know he is replacing a dead guy.

I love and adore my life. I know I can't pause time, but I can record it here.  I can remember the conversations that made me laugh and the ones that would have made me laugh if I weren't holding a crying boy. Soon these conversations will be history so today I will savor them....... and laugh.

not it!

Have you ever played "not it"?  You know, where everyone yells "NOT IT!" and the last person to say it is "it"?  We play it in our house too, but our version is the last person to touch his nose.  Ok, there is the preface to my story.

Last night at dinner my kindergartener says, "You know, like when you have an erection."  My finger immediately touched my nose while my husbands eyes got bigger and bigger.  "A what?" 
"You know, when you have an erection.  Like when people vote to change the laws and if there was an erection that made the law where kids could eat dessert before dinner, then I wouldn't have to eat dinner."

"Um, son, do you mean an ELECTION?" 

"Yep, where you can vote to change the laws and make it to where kids can have dessert instead of dinner would be the law."

Let's just say, Momma was cracking up and Daddy was very relieved!

cute kid stories

Today we were at my friend's house and she has a 2 year old daughter.  As we were preparing to leave I put my youngest in his car seat while the other two were looking for something forgotten.  Suddenly JJ yells,

 "Jordan!  JORDAN!"
"Yes?"
"I love you Jordan!"
"Hmm?"
"I said I LOVE YOU, Jordan!"
"Me?"
"Yes, I love YOU, JORDAN!"
"Ok."

It was soooooo stinkin adorable, wish you could have seen it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

E's best friend is a little girl named Charlotte.  He adores her and since school has been out and he has been missing her, he remedied the situation by forcing JJ to pretend to be Charlotte.  JJ now walks around the house and says in a higher pitched voice, "I'm Charlotte. I'm a girl."  And then E can play with "Charlotte".

Well, last week I overhear W and E fighting over Charlotte and who was going to marry her.  Of course E is claiming Charlotte is his girl and W can have her princess loving big sister.  The boys keep trying to win JJ-Charlotte's affection.  At some point in the interaction, JJ made E mad and E hit him.  W pounced on the opportunity and said to JJ, "See Charlotte?  Don't you want to be with me, a boy who will protect you instead of with a boy who hits you? Let's get married!"

I chuckled and tiptoed around the corner to witness the "wedding" unnoticed.  W and JJ were up on E's bed and W was saying, "Do you promise to love this woman till you die and be good to her?"  There was then a rather exaggerated kissing sound where W was kissing JJ's cheek.  Then he told JJ that they would go to the candy store for their honeymoon and "she" could pick out any candy "she" wanted. 

Again, I didn't know if I should be rolling on the floor laughing or curling up in my bed hiding and praying!  But it was indeed funny.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Tonight my oldest went to a little girl's birthday party.  When the parents brought him home (thanks soooooo much Joy and Ryan!)  they told me that W was the only boy there though not the only one invited.  I asked him if it was weird to be the only boy in a group of girls.  He looked at me like I was crazy so I asked if it was kinda cool.  He said it was REALLY cool to be the only boy there at her party.  Such a boy......... ;-)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I know I have a couple of others from recently but I am super tired so they will have to wait for another blog.  Just so I can remind myself though, favorite color monster, jet pack girl, and a soda stealing preschooler are all topics for another day.

to be continued...........