I'm thinking about....

 I'm not a morning person. But there is something satisfying about being awake with my coffee and computer when the house is quiet. I don't love remote learning but I am enjoying being able to drop my daughter off at work and not have to jump straight into the hustle and bustle of a school day. 

Maybe I'm more contemplative because it actually feels like fall today. It will feel like winter by the end of the day but right now it is chilly and drizzly and feels like fall. I'm thinking of things like how Hubby has shown up for over 20 years. I'm so very grateful for the way he takes care of my heart. It isn't always easy, we sometimes drive each other crazy, but we keep choosing each other day in and day out. A friend recently said the secret to her long marriage was being willing to go through the shit together and honestly I could not say it better. 

I'm thinking of my kids nearing adulthood. I talked with a friend recently and we discussed how as our kids are getting older what level of input we have as opposed to being able to make their decisions. Funny, as I typed that I realized I've had that conversation with a couple of friends recently. I'm thinking about what it will look like when my kids launch and I no longer have the daily hugs and comments of "you're the best mom ever." Sometimes I look back and wonder what things we did as parents that our kids will tell their spouses. What things will they look back with fondness and what things will they say, "Wow, my parents really blew it with that one."  We all have those moments of nostalgia or hindsight and I wonder what they will look like for my kids.

I'm thinking of the woman next door. She raised the man I love. She once told me she always wanted another daughter and that she is so grateful she got the other daughter in me. I seriously won the in-law lottery. My mother-in-law is a strong, fierce woman and I hope to be even half the woman she is. She has been such a beautiful example of allowing someone else to capture first place in your child's heart. I hope my kids have mother in laws like her. I also hope I have learned from her enough to be that mother in law to my kids in law.

I'm thinking about the job posting I saw this morning for the exact job I want. And I'm wondering how to make it work as full time with kids who have physical therapy during the regular work week. I have worked part time for several years and have scheduled kid appointments around my work schedule. I know plenty of people who work full time and make it work. I think I still get nervous about needing to take time off because of Perthes. He will need at least one more surgery and possibly two. That makes me feel overwhelmed about which job I take.

I'm thinking about politics and religion. Absolutely not writing about those thoughts right now. But definitely thinking about them. 

I'm thinking about the beach and how much I missed going this year. I am so ready for next summer and for the pandemic to be over and for camp to happen. I am so ready to dig my toes into the sand and watch the waves while I journal. I'm afraid of the ocean but I love the beach. It is my serenity place and I long to go back.

My weakness is a strength?!?!?

I need to head to bed but I have to write first.  I'm nearly giddy right now.  I finished my Strength Finders assessment earlier and read about my 5 strengths.  My number one strength is something that I have always viewed as a weakness.  Are you ready for this?  My number one strength is.....

ADAPTABILITY

When I had my "look forward" meeting with my boss (goal setting for the upcoming work year), I agonized for hours to try to complete it.  I have always dreaded goal setting time and finally after many hours and many tears I gave up and turned in my form for the meeting, incomplete.

My boss and I talked out the goals, it was just easier.  She asked me at one point why goal setting caused me such anxiety.  I really don't know.  It has been something that I've been asked by many, usually with criticism.  I'm in Customer Service with a non-profit organization.  Finally I came to these words:

This is what makes me good at what I do.  I don't plan what I'm going to say because I never know what question I will be asked.  I go with the flow rather than plan ahead and that is why I'm good at my job.

I'm not sure where those words came from but tonight they were confirmed.  Living in the moment and struggling to be goal oriented is a strength not a weakness!  Listen to a few of the things I read about adaptability tonight.

• You don't see the future as a fixed destination. Instead you see it as a place that you create out of the choices that you make right now.  You discover your future one choice at a time.
• You don't resent unforeseen detours.  You expect them and on some level actually look forward to them.
• Avoid roles that demand structure and predictability.  These roles will quickly frustrate you, make you feel inadequate, and stifle your independence.
• Look to others for planning.  People who have strong Focus, Strategic, or Belief talents can help you shape your long-term goals, leaving you to excel at dealing with the day-to-day variations.
• Seek roles in which success depends on responding to constantly changing circumstances.  Consider career areas such as journalism, live television production, emergency healthcare, and CUSTOMER SERVICE.
• This person will be most productive on short term assignments that require immediate action.
• This person's willingness to go with the flow provides a wonderful environment for others to experiment and learn.

This describes me to a tee.  I love lists.  I love crossing things off of my lists.  I hate having a scheduled time in which to cross each thing off.  I hate anything more than a "general goal" of the future.  My goals tend to be loose, things like read more.  I don't specify a certain number of books to read.  Not all knowledge comes from books.  Sometimes reading more means reading blogs or news stories.  Reading more seems like a perfectly acceptable goal for a new year while to others it is too general and therefore not a true goal.

The long and short of it is exactly what I told my boss last month.  I am good at my job because I am adaptable.  I go with the flow because that is how God intricately designed me.  He knew me before one of my days came to be.  And He created me exactly how He intended, to be adaptable.  Structure is good.  If everyone had this strength, the world would be chaos.  But this strength brings balance to a driven world that forgets that life sometimes interrupts.

known

Today I walk the halls at work and I long to be known.  Not that I am a stranger by any means but that I long for the friend who knows me well enough to just know.  I have been careful to keep much of my personal life out of my work life.  Though often that is a good thing, today I just want someone to see me.  I want someone to know when I'm a mess and why. 

Maybe it's time to open up a little and seek those friends who can see me at work and just know.  I have those friends but they don't walk these halls or share these cubicles.  They aren't here for lunchroom chats.  And today I realize how lonely work can be when you love those you work with and you love your job but you don't have anyone who knows you at work. 

I feel a little invisible and I'm not sure that today I like it.  I'm so glad that God knows me.  I'm so glad that He walks these halls and shares these cubicles.  I'm so glad that He is the friend who sees me walk the halls and just knows.