Learning from mistakes

 As my husband and kids would say, mistakes were made. 

It turns out that when your doctor puts you on medication to help with anxiety, she does so for a reason. And it also turns out that the half life of that medication isn't very long. It also seems that if you go to bed too exhausted to remember to take the medication two nights in a row that you will wake up remembering why you were prescribed the medication in the first place and will likely need to use your "rescue medicine". 

I grew up feeling like depression and anxiety were sins. In my adulthood it has taken a long time to come to terms with the fact that mental illness is an illness not a decision. It took waking up in the middle of the night feeling like I was having a heart attack that turned out to be a panic attack to decide going back on medication was the right move for me. 

There was a time in my life that I was too embarrassed to admit that I struggle with depression and anxiety. But the reality is that I do and I know so many others who do as well. I don't love writing about my mental health; it is a very vulnerable topic. I also have come to value authenticity and those who will remind us that we are not alone in our journeys. I am choosing to be open about this so that those who stumble across my writing will hear a voice saying, "I get it. You are not alone." 

I know plenty of people who would be horrified to hear I take medication to manage my mental health. I also know plenty who will applaud that fact that I do. The reality of it is that for me, this medication helps me to function at full capacity. I breathe deeper when I take it. I show up better for my family and friends when I take it. Honestly, I show up better for myself when I take it. 

Yes, mistakes were made. Now we move on. Now I will take my medication and go to bed on time so I don't collapse in my bed too exhausted to think about opening that daily pill container. And if any of you are in the same boat I would like to remind you to take your meds, drink your water, get some sleep. Take some time to take care of you; you are a valuable asset worth protecting. You are loved and you are needed. 

I'm thinking about....

 I'm not a morning person. But there is something satisfying about being awake with my coffee and computer when the house is quiet. I don't love remote learning but I am enjoying being able to drop my daughter off at work and not have to jump straight into the hustle and bustle of a school day. 

Maybe I'm more contemplative because it actually feels like fall today. It will feel like winter by the end of the day but right now it is chilly and drizzly and feels like fall. I'm thinking of things like how Hubby has shown up for over 20 years. I'm so very grateful for the way he takes care of my heart. It isn't always easy, we sometimes drive each other crazy, but we keep choosing each other day in and day out. A friend recently said the secret to her long marriage was being willing to go through the shit together and honestly I could not say it better. 

I'm thinking of my kids nearing adulthood. I talked with a friend recently and we discussed how as our kids are getting older what level of input we have as opposed to being able to make their decisions. Funny, as I typed that I realized I've had that conversation with a couple of friends recently. I'm thinking about what it will look like when my kids launch and I no longer have the daily hugs and comments of "you're the best mom ever." Sometimes I look back and wonder what things we did as parents that our kids will tell their spouses. What things will they look back with fondness and what things will they say, "Wow, my parents really blew it with that one."  We all have those moments of nostalgia or hindsight and I wonder what they will look like for my kids.

I'm thinking of the woman next door. She raised the man I love. She once told me she always wanted another daughter and that she is so grateful she got the other daughter in me. I seriously won the in-law lottery. My mother-in-law is a strong, fierce woman and I hope to be even half the woman she is. She has been such a beautiful example of allowing someone else to capture first place in your child's heart. I hope my kids have mother in laws like her. I also hope I have learned from her enough to be that mother in law to my kids in law.

I'm thinking about the job posting I saw this morning for the exact job I want. And I'm wondering how to make it work as full time with kids who have physical therapy during the regular work week. I have worked part time for several years and have scheduled kid appointments around my work schedule. I know plenty of people who work full time and make it work. I think I still get nervous about needing to take time off because of Perthes. He will need at least one more surgery and possibly two. That makes me feel overwhelmed about which job I take.

I'm thinking about politics and religion. Absolutely not writing about those thoughts right now. But definitely thinking about them. 

I'm thinking about the beach and how much I missed going this year. I am so ready for next summer and for the pandemic to be over and for camp to happen. I am so ready to dig my toes into the sand and watch the waves while I journal. I'm afraid of the ocean but I love the beach. It is my serenity place and I long to go back.

Georgie Porgie

I recently read Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson. I loved the book.  I laughed until I cried at some points in the book. I nodded my head in agreement at several points. In one of my favorite chapters Jenny describes going into see her therapist and talking about extremely random things that were on her mind. That chapter had me laughing at her thoughts and reminiscing about my own.

You see, I totally get it. Several years ago I walked into my therapist's office. I sat on her couch preoccupied and annoyed as she asked, "So what's on your mind today." I tried to tell her what was on my mind wasn't important but she persisted. So I told her exactly what I was thinking.

"You want to know what I'm thinking about? Well, I'm thinking that Georgie Porgie was a jerk." Her head cocked to the side. I knew I had her attention when she said, "Georgie Porgie? Ooooookkkaaaayy?" I proceeded, "You know from the nursery rhyme?

Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie

Kissed the girls and made them cry

When the boys came out to play

Georgie Porgie ran away. "

"I think Georgie Porgie was a bully and a coward. I have been kissed when I didn't want to be and made to cry. He's a bully. And then when the boys who could kick his ass came out, Georgie ran away. What a horrible story to teach our kids!"

I may or may not have spent the rest of the session discussing the disturbing trend in children's classic nursery rhymes. 

Be Yourself

I have two great desires in life.  Two desires that conflict with each other greatly.  Two desires that keep me from living fully in either. 

I long with every fiber of my being to make a difference in the world.  I want to be known deeply, to my core.  As my profile says, I want to leave a legacy rather than a memory.  I want people to hear my name and smile.  I want to change the world.

I also long to be invisible.  I don't want recognition.  I don't want to stand out.  I don't want to be known as anyone other than the lady who smiled at the cashier or held the door for the person with their hands full. 

I get a writing prompt that says, "Be Yourself" but sometimes I don't know what that actually means.  Sometimes I'm not sure which me will show up. 


My boss dropped this book off on my desk yesterday.

This book includes an online test that helps to identify your strengths.  She said there was no rush, we won't go over the results until early January.  I am both thrilled and terrified.  I LOVE with a distinct passion getting into people's heads.  Not in a bad way, mind you.  I just love knowing why people behave the way they do.  I want to know their stories, I want to know what drives them.  I want to know the same about me. 

I love doing personality tests.  I'm the girl who actually answers all of the questions in the magazine surveys.  I love knowing how I think and how I relate to the world around me.  So I am excited and thrilled to get started.  I'm terrified though.  My boss wants to know what makes me tick, how I think, how I relate to the world around me as well. And that brings it to a whole new level.

Telling someone else my strengths leaves me vulnerable to people knowing that I don't fully live my life.  I'm giving someone else the key to my head.  I'm telling someone else what strengths I have that I hide.  What if I actually have to use them?  What if I actually have to live in the present and stop being afraid?

What if you're reading this and thinking that I'm crazy for not wanting to open up those strengths to those around me?  See this forces me out of the desire to remain invisible.  This forces me to be the terrified girl who wants to change the world and is afraid I can't, that my story won't make a difference.  This takes me away from the comfort of being invisible and means that someone else knows me. 

What does that look like?  What if it doesn't matter?  What if I don't matter?  What if these dreams of changing the world are just that, dreams?  What if they are unreachable dreams?  What if they are foolish dreams?  What if I have to start sharing myself with the world?  It's a scary thought.  It makes me long for invisibility even more so.  It brings me to dark places in my head that tell me that if I don't try then I cannot fail. 

And I find myself on the verge of not caring if I fail because it means getting out of my self-imposed cage.  I'm not quite there yet.  I'm still afraid to fly from my cage, I'm still afraid I will miss my anonymity and my ability to be invisible when I desire to.  But sometimes the view out there looks almost beautiful enough to make me want to try it.

* This post is part of Faith JAM, where every Thursday Bonnie Gray from Faith Barista gives a writing prompt.  Today's prompt was "Be Yourself".  I've done a guest post for someone before and I did a post for MOPS International but this is the first time I've ever linked my blog on something like this.  I've been challenged to share my writing more and I felt like this was a good starting place. *

loving in the midst of controversy

I love election years.  I love exercising my freedom to vote.  I appreciate the sacrifices that make this possible.

I also hate election years.  Elections bring out the worst in people.  Facebook is full of hateful posts right now.  There are tons of posts of why everyone who doesn't agree with the poster is stupid.  Even the commercials are completely negative.  I'm so very tired of hearing what the opponent can not do rather than what the campaigning person can do.

And I finally have to say something about it all.  I love people.  Have you looked at my Facebook friends list lately?  I have friends of every size, shape and color.  I have friends who are Jewish, Muslim, Atheist, Mormon.  I have friends of every denomination of Christianity, Catholic, Lutheran, Pentacostal, Baptist, you name it.

My friends all look different.  They all worship differently.  And they have very different political views as well.  I have friends who are pro-life and friends who are pro-choice.  Friends in favor of same sex marriage and friends against it.  I have friends who are conservative, friends who are liberal, friends who are moderate and friends who reach every extreme of that spectrum.

Here is the great part.  I LOVE THEM ALL. I love my friends, even when we view life differently.  I'm glad people believe in their convictions enough to vote for them.  I'm glad I have friends who can tell me that they disagree with my opinion.

Here is the not so great part.  I'm tired of being called hateful if I express my own opinion.  I'm tired of being lumped into a category saying that everyone who believes a certain way is stupid and uneducated.  I'm not an idiot.  I'm not hateful or fearful. 

 I'm not afraid of gay people, I have friends who are gay.  I'm not afraid of Muslims, I have friends who are Muslim.  I don't hate people who have had abortions, I have several friends who have had abortions.  Here is the deal, if you are my friend, I like you simply because you are YOU.  I like that we can love each other whether we agree on things or not.  We can agree to disagree and STILL LIKE AND RESPECT EACH OTHER.

Guess what? I ate Chic-Fil-A for lunch today. Don't crucify me over it and don't high five me over it.  I like their food and I like that the customer service is supreme over any other fast food restaurant I've ever been to.  I ate there simply because if I'm going to spend my money, I want good food and fabulous service.  It wasn't political, it was that I work hard for my money and if I'm using it to eat out, I want an enjoyable experience.

I shop regularly at a small store where the owner has extremely different beliefs from religion to politics than I do.  You know why I continue to shop there?  I shop there because he runs his business with integrity and I know he will never screw me over.  He has great customer service and I always feel like he values my business.  I shop there because he is entitled to have beliefs that are different than mine.  That is why I love this country, because people are allowed to have their own ideas, their own beliefs.

Please stop telling me that because I am pro-life and not apologetic for that stance (see this post if you want to hear WHY I am pro-life and unashamed of that) that I am a hater.  Please stop telling me where I should and should not shop because you don't agree with their politics.  This goes for the Christians telling me that I should boycott businesses who support planned parenthood and it also goes for those telling me that I should boycott Chic-Fil-A because they don't support same sex marriage.

I'm shopping where I get treated well.  I'm shopping where I can get great customer service and quality products.  I don't care what the people selling believe, I care how they run their business.  I care how they treat their consumers and employees.  I love living in America because you are entitled to believe what you believe and I am entitled to believe what I believe. 

I love my friends because they bring joy and variety to my life.  I don't always agree with their viewpoints and yet I still love them.  If everyone agreed on everything it would be a very boring world.  And really how does judging anyone help anything?  Does calling me bigoted and uneducated bring us together?  The same goes in reverse.  Does name calling on the other side bring any unity either? 

Stop telling me what you are against and why I should also be against it.  Start telling me what you are for and why it means a lot to you.  I want to know what and why you believe, I do NOT want to hear why I'm wrong if I don't agree.  And then give me the same freedom to have my own thoughts and beliefs.  After all, isn't that why we live in America?

I love people.  I love people of every race, gender, age, size, political affiliation or religious beliefs.  Let me appreciate our differences and please do the same for me.  If we disagree, let's exercise our First Amendment rights and agree to disagree.  Name calling isn't going to solve anything!

Sorry, soapbox rant over. 

prayer, game 6 and World Series Champs

I'm a big Cardinals fan.  Tonight they are the 2011 World Series Champions.  Yesterday was a pins and needles game 6.  Watching the game I found myself occasionally doing what my husband and I make fun of when we see it on a televised game.  I clasped my hands and said, "Oh, God, PLEEEEEEEASE!"

It only took once for me to laugh at myself as well.  Ultimately, though it makes me happy, who wins a World Series game doesn't affect eternity.  So every time I clasped my hands last night, I decided to pray for things that DO matter to God.  I'm hoping baseball players felt blessed last night because it seems like I found myself praying quite a bit!

I prayed for God to be glorified through the lives of the players.  I prayed for their marriages to be strengthened and filled with love and harmony.  I prayed that God would draw each of them unto Himself.  I prayed that their hearts would be sensitive to the things of the Spirit.  I prayed that they would have strength to avoid the sexual temptations that are nearly unavoidable, especially when playing on the road for long stretches.  I prayed that they would look to God to be their strength.  I prayed for the ones who are parents to have wisdom in parenting their children.  I prayed for the ones who are single to find love and joy in the arms of God's best (not someone who wants money or fame). 

I think you get it.  Every time I had the urge to pray for my team to win, something that won't affect eternity, I instead prayed for the players and things that do affect eternity.  I found my hands clasped and praying a lot last night.  And to be 100% truthful, sometimes I was annoyed to not pray for a win! 

Tonight I am thrilled to know my team is the World Champs.  I don't think for a second that they won because of prayer.  If they had then why didn't the Rangers win?  Was no one in Texas praying for a World Series title?  The game was fun.  The series was phenomenal.  I join plenty of people in celebrating the Cardinal's 11th championship. 

But when the day was over, baseball doesn't affect eternity, but people do!