I've been rather "reflective" the past few weeks. Some of it, I'm sure, is because I'm stuck at home all day until we get our car fixed. I'm also sure that another part is my birthday looming on the horizon. This point in the year often has me evaluating the past year and wondering if I've used it well. The past few days my reflection has been on who I am, who I want to be and who everyone else wants me to be.
I grew up knowing what I wanted to be, a wife and mommy. I never thought, though, about who I wanted to be when I grew up. And here I am, all grown up and sometimes still just as lost. I'm all grown up and still sometimes ask myself who I want to be when I grow up. I know what I am; sometimes I forget who I am. I am a wife to an amazing man who loves me irrevocably and completely. I am a mommy to three wonderful little boys who adore me. I am a hospitality co-ordinator in my MOPS group. I am friend/big sister to Sarah. I am a daughter, a sister and a friend. I am a woman who is often tired, who loves coffee, pb M&M's, a good book, and lots of hugs. I am a woman who prays daily.
I am also a woman who often feels insecure. I am a woman who sometimes still struggles with the lies of an eating disorder. I am a woman who has a difficult time making decisions. I am a woman who understands giving love much more than receiving it. I am a woman who feels like a little girl. I am a woman who has battled depression my entire life. I am a woman who has a double standard that I believe that people are who they say they are but I don't think people believe that I am who I say I am. I know truth but often don't feel the truth that I know.
So here I am, sitting awake late at night, painfully aware of who others want me to be. I know the woman my in-laws hope me to be. I know the woman my parents expect me to be. But the question in it all is who do I want to be? I could seriously use a break from reality. I could use a weekend in the mountains with just my Bible and journal, no interuptions, no fights to break up, no family to people please. I could use some time alone with my Savior to let Him remind me of who I am. I already know what I am.