just words?

I have a few words I would like to say.  The problem is that I don't need to say them.  I was once again reminded today of an old conflict.  Five years ago the words I want to say would have been riddled with bitterness and a desire to hurt this person with my words as much as they have hurt me with theirs over the years.  Today the words I want to say are slightly different than the how I would have said them five years ago.  Today the words I want to say I would hope would be more of an accountability issue, hopefully more to open the eyes of the offender to help them see how often and deeply they have offended.  Well since my heart motives have changed, doesn't that make the words also now more acceptable? 

I don't think so.  I think palatable would be a better word than acceptable.  I could easily convince most of mainstream America and a not too shabby portion of those in church authority that my words that are in my heart are now correct.  Again, palatable but not acceptable.

See, I keep going back to this verse I have posted above my kitchen sink.  "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."  Eph 4:29. 

The words I want to say may help me but I don't think they will help the person I want to say them to.  It isn't unwholesome, but neither is it something that will benefit and build up that person.

Then I think back to highschool, memorizing the book of James.  Chapter 3 deals with the tongue and how we handle it. vs 5 "Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."  I am aware of how words hurt.  Words have hurt me.  Words from the person I wish to say my words have hurt me.  But as the chapter continues in vs 9 "With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be."

I cannot praise my Father in heaven and yet curse this person who was made in the very image of the Father I so love! 

It seems deserved.  I could find a way to justify it, but that's all it would be, a justification.  I would blab my mouth and for an instant feel better, but then would feel horrible for the manner in which I spoke, a manner I know would be unpleasing to my Redeemer.

Or what about when the Psalmist said "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer." (ps 19:14.)  The Word of God is very clear that the words that come out of our mouths are vitally important.  And not just the words, but the meditations of our hearts.  "For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."  (Luke 6:45)

I have words stored up in my heart.  It is only a matter of time before those words spill from out of my heart to my lips.  Right now, I reign in my tongue.  I know my words will bring more hurt not the restoration that I long for.  And right now, I wait on the Lord.  I will put my trust in Him.  I will bring my heart issues before Him and allow Him to deal with them.

As I wait on Him, I pray that the meditations in my heart will be pleasing to Him.  I pray that He will remove the yucky and leave me with a pure heart.  And until the day that my words are going to be beneficial to build up this person, I will hold my tongue.  I may end up going to eternity with my tongue still held.  I don't know. 

Maybe someday the day will come when this person could hear the words I feel.  Likely not though.  Maybe someday the Lord will bring change to that persons heart as He has done mine, when my words would actually bring accountability and restoration.  Now is not that time. 

Now I must continue to keep my heart bowed before a holy and righteous God, that my heart does not harbor unforgiveness or bitterness.  I must continue to renew my mind with His word daily so that the motives of my heart remain pure.  And I must reel in my tongue and not give it permission to rattle off everything inside my brain.  It's not easy sometimes, but it's worth it in the long run. 

This relationship has been damaged enough by words, words spoken by both of us involved.  There is no need to further the pain and separation by speaking words that will be neither uplifting, beneficial or healing. 

God help me to glorify you with my words, my thoughts and my actions!  It is only through your grace that I have any ability at all.


 

crevices

Today has been a fun, relieving, emotional, weird day.  I've gotten a lot done around the house which I guess is good since I really don't have any motivation to do it.  I got to go out by myself this afternoon, another good thing and much needed.  Then tonight we had date night and I realize it's been way too long since we have had one of those.  Our conversation was great and much needed.  My conversation with our babysitter afterwards was also much needed for both of us.  But all of this has been very emotionally draining and now I am physically and emotionally tuckered out.  I always think it is weird that when you talk about the crevices of your heart that you end up emotionally exhausted afterward.  Seems to me it should be the other way around.  Holding it all in should exhaust you not getting it all out in the fresh air.  Well alot got out in the fresh air today and I'm now officially ready for a break.  It was a rough day and yet a fulfilling day, such a strange combination.  Now I'm off to go rest in the Lord's arms and let Him renew my strength.  How do people do this craziness of life and hurts without the renewal and peace the Holy Spirit brings?  Tonight I'm grateful that both my Savior and my husband are completely acceptant of me despite fact that I feel like I'm damaged goods.  Thank you Jesus that my baggage has never stopped you from loving me, nor has it ever stopped my husband from loving me.  I'm awed by both of those facts.

worship

Tomorrow is MOPS and our craft is a snowflake/star type of ornament.  I'm excited about this craft because it is where my heart is now.  I just finished printing up the verse for it, Matthew 2:2 "We saw his star in the east and have come to worship him."  At this season it is so important to remember that we are called to worship.  Worship our King.  Bow my heart in worship before the great King of the Universe.  I'm excited to share for a brief moment about worship as we introduce this craft.
 
Worship.  David worshipped.  He was a man after God's own heart.  He worshiped at the expected times, when God had showed His faithfulness and when a victory had been won.  He also worshiped when his life was falling apart and he was in the deapths of dispair.  It seems so much more difficult to worship during those difficult times.  It is so much more difficult to praise the God of creation when you are struggling emotionally, spiritually, physically, relationally or finiancially and yet it is what we are called to do. 

John 4:23-24 "For the time is coming and has now come, when the true worshipers will worship in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks.  God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth."

It isn't always easy to worship the Lord.  Often times for me it is a conscious effort.  Actually I love to worship more than any other part of my walk with God but I sometimes, recently often, have to consciously immerse myself in worship in order to worship the Lord.  Does that make sense?  This has been a VERY rough year for me in many ways.  I don't exactly feel like worshiping the Lord when I am struggling.  Yet when I surround myself with worship, worship comes freely and quickly from my heart and from my mouth.  I daily have a choice, either I will be overtaken by my circumstances and emotions and will allow them to wedge between me and my Savior or I will come before Him, broken though I may be, and worship and adore Him. 

Our God alone is worthy of my praise and adoration.  He alone is holy.  He alone deserves my utmost attention.  He alone captures my heart.  He alone brings healing to my hurts.  And because He is worthy, and because He is holy, and because He is soveriegn, I will choose daily to praise Him.  On the days when it is more difficult than others, I put on worshipful music and allow the music to usher me into His presence.  It is hard to see the waves threaten to drown you when you stare into the eyes of the One who can calm the storm.  Trusting in His grace and mercy when the waves around you threaten to drown you, reaching out to Him when it seems impossible,  focusing on Him instead of the storms of life is one of our greatest acts of worship.  So today think about this, what are your focusing your attention on?  The thing that captures your heart is what you worship;  is it Jesus or is it you?  My prayer is that my heart will continually be captured by Jesus, that He is the one I will worship.  I know how easy it is to look at the storm around me but I can choose to focus on the One who calms the storm and choose to worship Him instead of me.

Casting Crowns, Edward Cullen and me

What a crazy title, and how on earth do they correlate?  I know, I know, but it makes more sense than you think.  My very favorite CD right now is the Casting Crowns self title.  Every song on there ministers to me immensely.  Two weeks ago I listened to Voice of Truth and Who am I nonstop.  The past couple of days the song I cannot let go of is Your Love is Extravagant.  The lyrics are so powerful.


Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel I'm moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in the secret place
Cause Your love is extravagant


Chorus:
Spread wide in the arms of Christ there's a love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known; You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again

Now how on earth does that have ANYTHING to do with Edward Cullen?  Well, both the song and the books have ministered to me a lot.  I am at a place in my life right now where I need to be loved extravagantly.  Wasn't Edward extravagant in his love for Bella?  Wasn't his scent intoxicating to her?  Wasn't he willing to die to protect her? And wasn't it only because of Edward's grace that Bella looked graceful? That is how I am seeing Christ right now.  His love is so extravagant towards me.  He actually did die to protect me from the fires of hell.  His frangrance is intoxicating. And the only beauty and gracefulness in me is because of His grace.  There was so much in the Twilight books that pointed me back to my first love, my Savior.  I know people think I'm crazy but I just kept seeing it.  We are told that the Lord is radiant to those who look on Him, that our human eyes cannot handle His beauty.  I couldn't help but for a moment, to think of Jesus as "sparkling".  What will it be like when we finally see Jesus in the fullness of His light and see His beauty and majesty?  I think it will be like Bella seeing Edward in the light for the first time, except a zillion times more breathtaking, of course.  I know I sound like one of those Twilight obsessed teenagers that 2 months ago I was making fun of but I never thought that I'd read the books and think of Jesus as I read them.  Who would think that a book about a vampire/werewolf/human love triangle could make you think of things eternal?  I certainly didn't think that!  There were a lot of other things in that series than those that I've mentioned here that brought me to thinking of Christ but right now the one I'm focusing on is this, Christ's love for me is extravagant in every way and His beauty is unfathomable!  At a time where I am in desperate, desperate need of extravagant love, I was reminded once again of where it is found.  I won't fault the source; I'll just be thankful that the Lord continually reminds me of how much He loves, adores and cares for me!

whew (a follow up to wham)

The Lord has really been at work in my life recently and I feel very strongly that I'm supposed to tell this story.  Please bear with me though, it's been a difficult journey and one I have only RARELY discussed in 15 yrs and never in any detail.  Actually I have not discussed it at all in at least 10 yrs.  So take a deep breath, maybe grab a tissue, and read on only if you agree to the terms and conditions listed:  this is a painful story for me so it may be a painful blog, God has done amazing things in my life over the last 2 months but I know He is not done with me yet so please be patient, please keep any judgement or criticism in your head and feel free to NOT share it with me, and  last, this may be long but I'm not really sure yet so sorry if it is too long.  Did you just mentally check the agree box?  If so then read on, if not feel free to read some of my lighter posts.

When I was 17 I had a job where I was the only woman.  I enjoyed having the corner on the market as far as attention went.  All the guys paid attention to me but not in a weird way (usually).  I had never been the girl ANY guy wanted to talk to so it was fun to have a couple who flirted with me and a couple who joked around with me, and a couple who took care of me like a little sister.  Unfortunately though, I had a boss who was not one of those guys.  He was twice my age, married and had 2 kids (one being a newborn.)  It started with some lack of personal space when he would be near me, making up reasons to be near me, reaching across me a little closely to get something.  Then it moved on to whipping the towel at my butt and untying my apron strings.  Soon it became following me into the walk in freezer where he would make advances on me and often touch me.  Let me restate that I was 17 and this was my first job.  I was mortified by his behavior but had no idea how to stop it because he was my boss.  By the time things got to this level I was no longer the only girl and the other girl despised me for what I was allowing so I didn't even have another person who I could talk to and who could help me out of the situation.  One day I was asked by one of the guys when I became a homewrecker.  I was confused and had no idea what he was talking about.  He then revealed that *Fred's *  (name changed) wife had just had their 2nd baby earlier that week.  I was devestated.  Not only were there things going on that I was ashamed of and didn't know how to stop, but there was a family involved too.  I felt like vomiting.  I finally got up enough nerve at that point to yell at Fred.  I screamed like I've never screamed before.  How could you do this to your wife?  How could you try to seduce me when you have a family?  How come you're so sick in the head to think what you're doing is ok?  And how come you chose me? 

A few days passed, the attentions didn't stop but I felt even worse than before.  I felt dirty and used and hated my job but was afraid to say anything.  I quit my job.  The day I came in to get my final paycheck, he was there.  He followed me out and tried to talk to me.  I kept walking.  Fred then grabbed my shoulders and forced me to turn around to see him.  He kissed me so roughly that it actually hurt.  He then slammed me against my car, threatened me and behaved very lewdly.  As I cried he asked why I was crying because he said it was obvious that I liked what he was doing.  I've never in my life felt so ashamed as I did that day. 

For years I had nightmares about that day.  I dreamed that he would hunt me out and tell me horrible things and then the whole scene would replay in my dream.  It never mattered in my dream what else was going on in my life.  It wasn't always the same but it always ended the same and I always woke up crying and screaming.  When my husband and I were dating, I would go over to his house after work and we would watch a movie.  I cannot tell you how many times I fell asleep during the movie and Ethan would have to wake me up because I was thrashing and screaming.  He would stoke my hair and comfort me though he didn't know exactly what he was comforting.  The dreams continued until we had been married about a year.  It wasn't a sudden stop to the dreams, they just happened with less frequency and less frequency until they stopped completely. 

I haven't thought about this situation really much at all since the nightmares stopped.  Then it happened.  My husband mentioned a movie that I saw at the time all of this was going on.  Should have been safe, we have watched the movie several times together, but it wasn't safe.  His comment triggered a flood of memories that literally took my breath away, and not in the good way!  That night I had the nightmare again.  That night I sobbed so uncontrollably that when Ethan woke me he was worried because I still couldn't stop sobbing.  The next night I was afraid to sleep.  I coffeed up all day just to make sure.  I reasoned with myself.  I said, "It was only a dream.  He isn't really here and he can no longer hurt you."  Then myself argued back, "Since he can only hurt me in my sleep and not in reality then I must not sleep so that he cannot hurt me again."  For 2 weeks I fought sleep like I haven't done in years.  I drank more coffee in each day than I ever have in a day in 11 yrs of marriage.  And I did not sleep.  By the time I would fall asleep I was crashing from sheer exhaustion and was too tired to dream.  My plan was working, he couldn't hurt me.

 But my spirit was aching and the Holy Spirit kept gently chiding me that I was abusing my body, His temple.  I knew that the Lord wanted to bring healing but I was too hurt to open up the wound to allow it.  I finally reached out to two different friends who are Godly and I trust to actually pray when they say they will pray and asked them to pray over my sleep.  That night I forced myself to my bedroom because I knew I couldn't disobey the Lord any longer in how I was treating my body.  I'm not going to lie though, I was terrified as I got dressed for bed. What if he haunted my dreams again? Right before I laid down the Casting Crowns song "Voice of Truth" started going through my head.  It wasn't the entire song, just the part that says, "But the voice of truth tells me a different story, and the voice of truth says DO NOT BE AFRAID."  The song continued to play through my head the entire night of sleep and for the first time in weeks I woke up having slept soundly and peacefully. 

Once I started sleeping I was able to realize something about the latest dream that exhaustion had previously blinded me to.  Always in the past my emotions in my dream were fear, anger and shame.  This time my feelings were sad.  In my dream I wept, "Why did he hurt me?"  but I never felt angry, afraid or ashamed.  Just overwhelmingly hurt, lonely, confused and abandoned.  The Lord showed me that I had never allowed myself to grieve over any of it and that grief is natural and acceptable.  So I grieved.  Thank you to those of you who put up with me when for that week when I could cry at the drop of a pin and had no desire to converse with anyone!  I was grieving. 

Then immediately after that, a friend posted on facebook "What kind of a man pretends to be single so he can date while his wife takes care of their 2 month old baby at home?"  I commented that I had once been the unknowing "other woman" and at that point realized that I had a lot of misplaced guilt going on.  Until I said that, I had no realization that I felt incredibly guilty for being the "other woman", for being the woman who broke up a family (even if the wife never found out, I knew and Fred knew and everyone we worked with knew.)  As I worked through that I was amazed at the amount of freedom there was in letting go of that guilt.  What happened was not my fault, not deserved, not in any way acceptable.  If I knew then what I know now it would have never gone as far as it did, but my fault in it was not knowing it was ok to tell someone and get help.  My fault was one of fear and ignorance, not intentions of causing harm.  My fault simply was that I was too young and naive to know that what was happening was not my fault, not brought on in any way by me and also illegal. 

So as I said at the beginning, I know God is not done with me but I am amazed at the amount of healing He has brought my heart in the past months.  I am not really sure why I shared this story because I have only shared it with this amount of detail once.  I actually had something much different on my mind to blog about but felt so strongly that I was to share this that I actually deleted an entire paragraph and started over with this.  I feel incredibly vulnerable and yet I still feel like I am supposed to share this.  Yikes, that's letting A LOT hang out there!

So here is what I've learned in this. I'm not perfect, actually far from it, but I trust God and know that He is good and He has a plan for my life.  I know that He redeems the years the locust have taken, and in my case it has been literally years.  I know also that He knows the right timing to bring up the things (and often in very random ways like the mention of a movie or a facebook post) that He wants to deal with in my heart.  I know that He will not dredge things up and then leave me alone to try to cope and figure things out.  I know that He is with me every step of the way and on the steps that are too hard to make, He gently carries me through until the time when I can make the step.  I could not have possibly worked through the grief part years ago when I was working through the anger and fear.  At that point I was so blinded by anger that I didn't even feel the full extent of the hurt.  God is faithful and He knows when we can handle what He is going to walk us through.  He will never give us more than we can bear, and He is faithful to always walk with us when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

my Christmas tree

I've been thinking about Christmas trees a lot this week.  It started on Monday when I went to a wonderful Christmas party with my fellow MOPS steering members.  Amy's tree was imposible to not be awed by.  It towered in her living room, gorgeous and perfect.  It was decorated with red and silver and huge ornaments that flowed with the theme and precious moments figurine ornaments.  I have to say how impressive and beautiful it was because I don't want my thoughts about my tree to sound weird or judgemental.  On her tree attached to a strand of garland were several ornaments clustered together in one spot that her son had put on the tree.  Like the wonderful mom that she is, she didn't move any of them so that her son's feelings wouldn't be hurt.  This brought on a conversation about trees and who decorates and how they are decorated.  Amy wants a theme, but it fits her.  Another woman said that her husband someday wants a themed tree.  Then I started thinking about how once I got married and moved out my parents tree is more themed and less hodge podge.  I wondered if someday when my children are grown and it's just me and Ethan once again cuddling by the light of our Christmas tree, if I will also want a theme to my tree.  Will I ever be content with plain white lights?  I think its beautiful on other trees but not on mine. 

I want color, and lots of it.  I love the glow from my strands of colored lights hanging loosely on my prelit (white lights) tree.  My ornaments?  Well, I have a couple with pictures of my kids that they made in preschool.  I have a couple of "Our 1st Christmas" ornaments that are seeing their 12th time on our tree this year.  I have one from Mt. Rushmore where we went on vacation last year.  One with 5 black bears paddling a boat with each of our names on an oar that Ethan and I got in Manitou Springs when we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.  Then there are the ones my mom gave us last year, one that has a little boy holding a sign that says "Oldest child, Mom's favorite" and of course "Middle child, Mom's favorite" and "Youngest child, Mom's favorite."  We have a Bronco squirrel sitting on a football, my boys first Christmas ornaments and even my first Christmas ornament that my Grandmother gave me when I was a born.  Ornaments that Ethan's grandma, who has since passed on, gave us on our 1st Christmas.  I could go on but I think you get the point and probably too good of a visual on my little tree.  Some of it is cluttered because the kids decided that all of the Spongebob character ornaments should be close to each other so they are all weighing down one branch.  :)  But it is my tree and it fits me as well as Amy's tree fits her. 

I cannot imagine the loss I would feel to get rid of those ornaments and trade them in for a theme.  I know, dorky, right?  I mean it's just decorations, right?  Not to me, to me it is a reflection of me.  I have countless fond memories of each of our ornaments.  Decorating my tree is also reminicsing for me.  I am a haphazard person.  I love to do things as the mood hits me.  I make last minute plans for coffee or the zoo.  I would much rather be taking care of people and relationships than my house.  I am spontaneous.  I think for me, the day my tree is matching and perfect is when I resign who God designed me to be and take on who I want others to see me as.  This isn't true of everyone, it's true of me.  I'm not perfect, I don't have it all together and truth be told, I don't know if I really want to have it all together.  I love my Christmas tree, it speaks volumes about me and my family and our life.  I think that even when I am old and gray and don't HAVE to put up preschool made ornaments, I think it's still the tree I'll want, bright and colorful and full of memories!

iron stomach, or maybe not

Yesterday I got a call from the nurse at my son's school saying that he had thrown up all over the place and I needed to come and get him.  When I arrived at the school and walked into the nurses office I saw my 7 yr old son looking anything but sick and talking with everyone.  I laughed.  The nurse apologized for having to call me, "He's not running a fever or anything just it's school policy to have them go home!"  Again I laughed and assured her I was not upset with having to pick him up.  I was thinking maybe virus since a lot of people we know have recently had a quick stomach virus that involved vomiting.  He never threw up again and has still not run a fever so I was wondering about the virus theory.  Here is the hysterical part,  during dinner last night my son very animatedly relayed this story.

"At lunch my friend and me made a new lunch.  We both had apple sauce so we mixed them together together and then my friend put some of his chicken noodle soup in it.  I added my cheese and peanut butter crackers and then someone else added some fruit and veggies.  All the boys were chanting, 'eat! eat! eat!' and the girls were like 'ewww, gross'. It was really funny."

"So who ate it then, Son?"

"Well me and my friend did because it was mostly our food.  It really grossed out all the girls!"

Recess is immediately after lunch and recess is where he puked his guts out.  Maybe the virus theory might have been a little bit off ;-)  maybe his choice of lunch foods might have played a bigger part in his throwing up!  I have laughed so many times thinking about it.  He is home from school today just in case but I think he is perfectly fine!