when my fears are brought to light

I had an epiphany moment last night and couldn't stop the tears from falling. My oldest and I were talking about politics. We were talking about disagreeing with others with grace and agreed that very few people have that skill mastered. She brought up how much she loves talking with her grandma, my mother-in-law, because though they disagree on several issues politically they can talk and both at times offer a perspective the other hadn't thought about. They leave each other better for having had the conversation and love each other dearly.

I realized that I don't talk about the areas we disagree on with my mother-in-law. I smile and add nothing to the discussion and look for the closest change of subject without being rude. And the tears started falling when I realized why. 

I adore this woman with everything in me. I have said a few times that my parents raised me but my in-laws parented me. I love my parents very much and we have a complicated relationship. Last night as I talked and processed my thoughts, the feelings escaped from my eyes because I knew in that moment the reason I don't want to talk about any disagreements is because I never want her to think less of me. 

I also know this will not happen. She loves me as if she bore me. We have a phenomenal relationship. We live next door to each other and I go to her home to sit and talk over coffee or wine a few times a week. She is there when I need to cry and there to celebrate the wins. She is everything I hope to be to my kids partners. I seriously won the in-law jackpot. 

While I know she will not love me less if we disagree on a political issue, I really don't want to discuss things that might make her disapprove of me. This fear is a byproduct of other relationships. I've seen and experienced the breakdown of relationships due to not seeing eye to eye and few things would break my heart more than a rift in the relationship between me and my beloved mother-in-law. 

I was astonished at how deeply I felt the emotions as I talked this out. I was floored by how deeply the fear of rejection ran in my heart. In that moment I felt the pain of other rejections in my life. And I feared feeling that from this woman whom I adore. 

Fear isn't logical. I know that I know that I know she will love me no matter what and that we can disagree on things. We have disagreed on many things over the years and have always loved each other even when we don't see eye to eye. So my fear that she will think less of me or love me less if we disagree on politics is not logical and yet it is there. 

I guess it is time to do the work on my own heart to heal and not project my own fears onto a proven relationship.