I'm thinking about....

 I'm not a morning person. But there is something satisfying about being awake with my coffee and computer when the house is quiet. I don't love remote learning but I am enjoying being able to drop my daughter off at work and not have to jump straight into the hustle and bustle of a school day. 

Maybe I'm more contemplative because it actually feels like fall today. It will feel like winter by the end of the day but right now it is chilly and drizzly and feels like fall. I'm thinking of things like how Hubby has shown up for over 20 years. I'm so very grateful for the way he takes care of my heart. It isn't always easy, we sometimes drive each other crazy, but we keep choosing each other day in and day out. A friend recently said the secret to her long marriage was being willing to go through the shit together and honestly I could not say it better. 

I'm thinking of my kids nearing adulthood. I talked with a friend recently and we discussed how as our kids are getting older what level of input we have as opposed to being able to make their decisions. Funny, as I typed that I realized I've had that conversation with a couple of friends recently. I'm thinking about what it will look like when my kids launch and I no longer have the daily hugs and comments of "you're the best mom ever." Sometimes I look back and wonder what things we did as parents that our kids will tell their spouses. What things will they look back with fondness and what things will they say, "Wow, my parents really blew it with that one."  We all have those moments of nostalgia or hindsight and I wonder what they will look like for my kids.

I'm thinking of the woman next door. She raised the man I love. She once told me she always wanted another daughter and that she is so grateful she got the other daughter in me. I seriously won the in-law lottery. My mother-in-law is a strong, fierce woman and I hope to be even half the woman she is. She has been such a beautiful example of allowing someone else to capture first place in your child's heart. I hope my kids have mother in laws like her. I also hope I have learned from her enough to be that mother in law to my kids in law.

I'm thinking about the job posting I saw this morning for the exact job I want. And I'm wondering how to make it work as full time with kids who have physical therapy during the regular work week. I have worked part time for several years and have scheduled kid appointments around my work schedule. I know plenty of people who work full time and make it work. I think I still get nervous about needing to take time off because of Perthes. He will need at least one more surgery and possibly two. That makes me feel overwhelmed about which job I take.

I'm thinking about politics and religion. Absolutely not writing about those thoughts right now. But definitely thinking about them. 

I'm thinking about the beach and how much I missed going this year. I am so ready for next summer and for the pandemic to be over and for camp to happen. I am so ready to dig my toes into the sand and watch the waves while I journal. I'm afraid of the ocean but I love the beach. It is my serenity place and I long to go back.