Sunday, June 1, 2014

tired and overwhelmed mama

I'm walking a journey that I've been walking for years but now this journey is starting to have a name. I'm walking a journey that I am slightly afraid to share because of the judgement I've seen others hurl at fellow travellers of this path. I'm sharing anyway because I know I'm not alone. I'm sharing so that when I fall in sync and my current overwhelm becomes my future normal, that I will remember when that normal was still new and scary.

 I am the parent of a special needs child. The needs part is still being evaluated and diagnosed but there is a consensus from every professional who has seen him that my son has definite sensory issues in some form. Is it autism? Is it sensory processing disorder? Is it ADHD? Is it OCD? The jury is still out on that.

Friends, the paperwork is plenty and the mommy guilt sometimes threatens to sweep me away. It hurts to have to answer questions about family history of mental illness and admit that his mommy has been diagnosed with PTSD, major depressive disorder, and anxiety. Tears have sprung to my eyes so many times as I fill out paperwork for yet another evaluation.

I find myself in a place of constant stress and longing for a hammock in the warm sun with a garden of beauty nearby. My soul longs for rest and yet I keep striving.

The peace and hope I have found to carry me through exhausting days has come from the prayer that is the most often on my lips right now. God, you created him. You knit him together in my womb. You understand how his brain works because you designed it. Please give me wisdom and insight into how his brain works. Help me to reach his heart. Help me understand my little boy's mind.

Life is chaotic right now. My free time is spent researching developmental evaluation centers and filling out paperwork and making appointments. I'm thankful in the midst of the overwhelm for a supportive family. I'm thankful for grace that carries me through the tough days. I'm thankful for my son and the joy and laughter he brings to our family. And I'm thankful God chose ME to be this little boy's mama.

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