the very ugly truth

Ok, so this one turned out to be pretty long. I wrote this to figure things out in my own head and I'm not even sure yet why I am posting it, but I am going to anyway. So prepare yourself for the ugly truth about my internal battle..........
I don’t know if I am writing for myself or writing to share yet. Today I will write and analyze later. I have an inward battle going on. My clothes are fitting loosely but I refuse to step on the scale. I refuse because I think I may like what the numbers say. That sounds a bit crazy, I know. Most people LOVE to see the numbers on the scale drop. I am no exception to this but I have different circumstances. First of all, the numbers have not been dropping because I am being so diligent about exercising and eating well. The numbers are dropping because of stress and not eating as well as I should. The other reason I refuse to see what the numbers say is very personal for me. See for many years I struggled with anorexia. I have been healthy for a number of years now but I am also aware of how easy a relapse is because I have also experienced that. I’m afraid that if the numbers tell me something that I like that it will be easy to continue to not take care of myself. My husband would be so angry if he heard me say this, my not taking good enough care of myself is completely rooted in fear. Money is tight, really, really tight right now. I feel guilty every time I eat anything more than a pb&j. I haven’t been eating enough to get good and full for about a week now, with the exception of the sandwich I had the night Hubby had surgery and the sandwich my mom-in-law made for me the following day. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty and I’m not writing this to play on sympathy or to gather advice about my eating habits. I am writing to figure things out in my own heart, to gain clarity and if I share it, I will let it all hang out with brutal honesty. If I skip breakfast, there will be plenty of milk for my husband to have cereal and my kids to have morning milk. Then comes lunch, I make the kids food and give them the fruit and veggies. After all, they need the nutrition and the good eating habits formed early in life. I eat something small late in the afternoon, and that has been because my head hurts and I suddenly realize that I have still not eaten for the day. Dinner has been anything super easy right now. I just don’t have the energy to referee my kids and try to make a meal and care for my post-op husband. Therefore, dinner is a pb&j, or a can of soup, or if we have enough milk, a bowl of cereal.

Today the Lord showed me that my feeling guilty about eating is telling Him that I don’t trust Him to take care of me. He has always provided for us, we have never gone hungry or without clothes or shelter. I have never ever feared that God would not take care of me or my family. Why now? I have had unbelievable faith, and have seen God provide in amazing ways. I have no doubt that He cares enough for me and for my family to provide for our basic needs. Yet this week I fear. I have tried to dethrone my Savior and take control myself. I can see no way out so I don’t give Him opportunity to move in my life because it seems impossible to me. The Holy Spirit has gently chided me and is reminding me that my God is much bigger than my circumstances. As I worry He reminds me of Matthew 6:25-34. "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life. And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I also now in my head hear my best friend and my husband reminding me that I need to put on my oxygen mask. My best friend and I often remind each other of the safety speech given on an airplane before take off. If there is a drop in cabin pressure and the masks drop out, you are instructed to put your own mask on first before helping others with theirs, this includes putting your mask on before putting a mask on your child. You aren’t really much help to anyone if you pass out because you didn’t take care of your needs. I know that I am a much better wife, mommy, friend and woman when I take the time to take care of me but in the midst of taking care of everyone else I sometimes forget that my oxygen mask is vitally important.

Father, forgive me for once again thinking that my ways are better than yours. Forgive me for worrying and doubting in your faithfulness. Forgive me for hurting myself, this beautiful temple that you have given me, and for allowing my doubts to keep me from seeking your face. I surrender my fear, doubt, insecurity and hurt to you. I will allow you to be God and stop trying to take you off your throne. I trust you and I know that you are "faithful to all your promises and loving toward all you have made." Thank you that your mercys are new every morning, great is your faithfulness unto me, O Lord.