Friday, May 29, 2009

thoughts from the brink of exhaustion

I can always tell when I am exhausted or when my thyroid is messed up again. I find myself dwelling on things that I normally don't. Today I can check off both causes.  Hubby had emergency surgery this week. Needless to say I am both physically and emotionally exhausted. And I have missed the last several nights of my thyroid medication because I was out and things were so crazy that I didn't get it refilled until today. At least I can pinpoint the reason for my feelings but that does not change that they are there. Here is what my mind processes when I am in the before said state. I am lonely. How can I possibly be lonely when I have a ton of wonderful friends, an absolutely amazing hubby, kids who adore me, fabulous parents and parents-in-law both nearby? For some reason when I get to this point I start to analyze if my friends actually like me or just tolerate me. For some reason when I get to this point I feel as if I must be superwoman and must do everything alone without help. For some reason when I get to this point I fear my husband dying and having to tackle this crazy parenting journey without the love and support of the most important person in my life. I start to over analyze everything. I guess it is my weakness. Yet as I type that it is my weakness, I hear "In my weakness, He is made strong." I do not have the strength in myself to handle everything on my plate right now. Maybe that is the point though. If I could do it in my strength, then why would I need God? If my strength was enough, if I could manage everything alone without help, would I really turn to God? I am overly aware of my own shortcomings, but thankfully my Father covers over them with His love and grace. Tonight before I fall asleep, I am thankful that "tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet" and I am grateful that His mercys are new every morning, great is His faithfulness. Thankfully even when I try to take my life out of His hands and handle it on my own, He still carries me through!
"Every day I look to you to be the strength of my life. You're the hope I hold on to to be the strength of my life."

1 comment:

hartman said...

I love you and will be praying for you!!! ((hugs))