Sunday, July 12, 2009

vulnerablity unmasked

I feel very insecure. You know those dreams that you think you went to school or work or wherever in just your underware? That is completely how I feel after my last post. I feel like I walked out of my house missing the clothing that covers up what I don't want others to see. How silly it is that I could bare my soul about where I stand on so many other issues but this time I feel embarrassed? Why? I know I am not the only clutterbug out there who struggles to keep house. Actually most of the responses I received were understanding of that fact and have also been there. And yet, this time it felt different. Maybe because I want people to think I have it all together is why this last one has left me feeling sooooooo vulnerable. I don't deny my need for a savior in the emotional and spiritual areas of my life. I don't pretend to have it all together as a mom. I readily admit that sometimes I hurt my husbands feelings. I acknowledge above all else that I need Christ more each day. Yet I don't think until I posted the last one that I realized that I need His help to make my home a refuge. That is what I believe He is calling me to as a wife and mother. My calling is to make my husband want to come home from work. My calling is to guide and teach my children in the ways of the Lord. My calling is to serve my family. My home needs to be a place that people feel safe, loved and at peace. The fact that it hasn't been that yet is embarrassing to me. I feel like I have been failing for years at doing what is my heart's cry, to extend hospitality. So I now realize that this is yet one more area that I need the grace and strength of my Lord. It is amazing how in sharing my heart, I have once again been convicted of the areas in my life that I try to dethrone Jesus as the God of the universe and the God of my life. This isn't a "I just need to try harder" moment. This is an "I need you Jesus" moment. All of these years I have been struggling and just trying harder. In my entire life it has never occurred to me even once that trying harder is only going to create more chaos. I need to rely on the strength of my Father not on my own strength. And that is easier to do anyway! Why did I make it all so difficult?

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