Thursday, November 5, 2009
Have you ever had something emotionally smack you upside the head? Soemthing that you had no idea was lurking around the corner and then BOOM it knocks you over? I had that happen last week. My darling husband brought up a movie that is now 15 years old. Should have been a safe bet, right? I mean we have watched that movie several times together and it isn't the movie itself that makes me feel icky. But when Hubby mentioned that it has been 15 yrs since it was in the theater, the wham hit me. I remember the night I saw it. I remember the friend I saw it with. And most importantly and uncomfortably I remember WHY I went to see it. I went to see it because I had been told it was a bit of a tear jerker and I desperately needed to cry that night. The movie did not move me to tears as I had hoped it would that night. It was ok, you see, if I cried over a movie, a work of fiction, but for some reason I couldn't let myself cry over the circumstances in my life that were bringing me such pain. I went through counseling a few years later but when this one came up, I mentioned it very briefly and in as little detail as possible. I diverted everything a different direction but I didn't realize that I had done it. I haven't thought about it much over the last 15 yrs that have passed and I guess I thought I had come to a reconciliation (for lack of a better word) in my heart toward the situation. wham, I guess I was wrong! The emotions hit me so hard, that for a moment I felt as though I couldn't breathe. I have spent the last couple of days pondering this and what I need to do next. Tonight I read my friends blog (which you can read by clicking here) and it brought me to tears because it is exactly where I am now. I find peace in the arms of my Father and yet I still feel the pain of this situation when I am directed towards it. I don't feel angry or bitter towards the people involved; does that mean that there has indeed been some reconciliation in my heart? Years ago the memory of this prompted anger that those of you who know me would find it difficult to fathom of me. Yet now it doesn't prompt anger, just hurt and discomfort. As I type this I realize that the hurt isn't what it was. There has been some healing there. Now I need to hand this to the Father and let Him work in my heart and bring the healing and wholeness that He desires. I don't think it sounds as difficult as it did when I first started writing. He is faithful and He is good!