I have a friend with an infant daughter who needs a heart transplant and rather quickly. I started praying for a new heart for this baby girl but last night something hit me. The logistics of a heart transplant means that someone else needs to die to be able to give this little girl a heart. And suddenly I was stuck. I ache for my friends walking through this. My heart breaks thinking of losing this precious baby. And it hurts to pray right now. How can I ask God to give a new heart to one knowing that another parent will have to know the sorrow of losing their child for this child to live?
Today I spent some time weeping. Time telling God that I don't even know how to pray right now. Jesus's mother knew. She watched her son die so that someone else could live. What went through her mind? How did she survive the knife that went through her heart to watch her son die? Was there an ease to the edge of pain knowing that his death would bring others life?
Will another grieving mother find any peace in her infants death knowing that someone else's child will live? Will she cry out prayers to God, beg for his hand of healing for her own little one as we cry out prayers of healing for my friend's daughter? How can I ask that God answers my prayers at a cost so high to another mother?
And yet I live because Mary's son died. Jesus gave me my own transplant of sorts. I could not live had another not died. Is that then the cost of life? My redemption came at his sacrifice, which was his mother's broken heart.
I'm so broken tonight. My heart is burdened and over full. No matter the outcome He is still faithful. And as I tell my children, God is still good even when life isn't. But tonight it hurts. Tonight it is hard to pray. Tonight my tears speak my heart to God better than my words can.