breathtakingly beautiful

This morning I woke up and as I climbed out of bed, I thought, "Today I want to be breathtakingly beautiful."  I settled on jeans and a blue t-shirt because, well because that's what I always wear.  Nothing breathtaking about that, on to the mirror.  The past couple of weeks have given me not nearly enough sleep and the circles are starting to form under my eyes.  Well, there goes the beautiful part too.  Dang it!  I wanted to be breathtakingly beautiful and was going to spend my day as Plain Jane instead.  I laughed today at church when our pastor briefly touched on the verses of a woman's beauty not coming from outward adornments and thought of how many times Hubby and I have seen someone who should have been GORGEOUS but their attitude was so poor that they were no longer even pretty.  I found great irony in hearing about that just an hour and a half after I had hoped to have a breathtakingly beautiful day.  I told my husband about the whole thing when he got home from work, of how I dreamed of being breathtakingly beautiful today.  He tenderly smiled, cupped my face in his hands and ever so gently said, "What do you mean by today?"  My heart filled with joy.  I may see the jeans, t-shirts and dark circles but he doesn't.  I may not see either of these things when I look in the mirror,  much less both, but my husband does see me as both breathtaking and beautiful.  I don't feel it, and I don't understand it but Hubby loves me and thinks I'm beautiful!  That's enough for me.  It doesn't matter if everyone else sees me as plain or even if it is true.  It matters that my husband says I'm breathtakingly beautiful, and for a few minutes then I actually FELT like it as well!

the big hype about Twilight

I'm not a fan of vampires, at all, ever.  So why would I want to read a book about a vampire and human who fall in love?  As the craze swept over everyone I knew, I chuckled and wondered what was the big deal about these teenage fantasy books.  Over the summer some of my friends, who might I add were the least likely in my mind to "fall for"  these vampire books, started raving over how addicting they were.  That peaked my curiosity a bit but not enough to pursue it any further.  I passed the books several times and almost bought them but found that I was really more curious in the reason for the hype than in the books themselves and couldn't justify spending money on books for that reason.  Finally it has happened.  With the second movie about to start in the theater, there is very little conversation I can have with any female that does not at some point touch on the subject of Twilight.  I was even invited to a girls night out to see the movie.  I'm a big fan of read the book first so in order to attend girls night out, I must read these ridiculous books.  I borrowed them from a friend and have been warned over and over that once I start I will not stop.  Again I smiled and wondered how it could possibly be so addictive.  This weekend I read the first book, Twilight and I have to admit I was a bit surprised.

I expected an easy fairly mindless read with a hint at highschool romance.  That doesn't exactly sound terrible right now, something light to take my mind off of the other things racing to claim its attention first.  Here is what I did NOT expect, a well written, fluid book.  I was wrong!  The author Stephenie Meyer did an absolutely beautiful job of writing this book!   The descriptions were long enough to give a vivid mental picture of everything, Forks, Bella's truck, Charlie's house, the school, the forest, Bella's friends, and yes even Edward.  The descriptions were not though overbearing as I have read in some books, they were just the right amount.  I was told that the first couple of chapters were slow and to hang in there until she is around Edward with frequency.  I didn't really find them to be too slow to hold my attention though. I found myself wanting to read on to know why Bella had moved to Forks, WA when she hated the cold and rain. Meyer did a fabulous job of bringing you into Bella's mind and emotions. (For those of you who haven't read it and plan to, I will give nothing away that ruins the story, I promise!) There were times when Bella looked at Edward and found it difficult to remember to breathe and I found myself occasionally holding my own breath during those times.  I realized that in some odd way, I felt as though I could relate to Bella, as though the story were mine and not hers.

I was astounded to find that this was an easy read but not exactly a mindless read.  I was so captured by the writing style that Meyer has that I could barely put the book down.  I did decide that the book would still be there when the football game was over and tried to set it aside but found myself picking it back up at every commercial break.  If it is actually possible that there is anyone who is reading my blog who has NOT read Twilight (I kinda feel like having not read them, I was the last of a dying breed with how many people I know who are obsessed!)  I will tell you this about the book;  chapter 13, "Confessions" is a fabulous chapter that answers many of the questions you will have built up from earlier in the book.  I reccomend reading that chapter when you won't be interrupted.   I read it in 3 parts and it was the only chapter that I really felt annoyed to have to stop for a while.  The other thing I will tell you is the where the "point of no return" is.  Do not read about the baseball game (chapter 17) unless you plan to finish the book that day!  I was up till midnight because I could not put the book away until I knew how everyone would fare after that point.  One more thing, don't read the teaser for book two, New Moon, unless you have it right in front of you and can start reading it!  I was too tired to read the teaser (which consists of the prologue and 1st chapter of New Moon) and I'm glad of it!  Today I started New Moon and by the end of the 1st chapter the action has started in full force!  I understood after reading it why so many people said they had to go buy the next book the very moment that they finished the first!

All in all, I am enjoying the books way more than I imagined I could.  They are intriguing, with just enough mystery to make you want to keep reading and just enough romance to make you smile and sigh "that" sigh.  I will say that I am glad of the warm safe arms of my husband to curl up into. Edward stirs those romantic feelings that women tend to get and I love knowing that I am not looking for my "Edward" but that he is sleeping just one room over!  ;-)  Now, enough of this book review!  I'm over a hundred pages into New Moon and have to wait for the dryer to be done so I'll be waiting with the book in my hand not here on the computer!

Friday the 13th and other silly things......

I'm not superstitous, in the least.  The closest I get to a superstition is that people do tend to get a bit goofy during the full moon (I've seen it happen more times than I can count when I worked retail.)  So that said and prefaced to those of you who are indeed superstitious, you now know the angle I'll be taking in this blog!  My question is this, who decided Friday the 13th is an UNlucky day?  I get it that some people think 13 is an unlucky number.  I have been in buildings that "skip" the 13th floor and pleanty of other nonsense about the number 13.   But really?  Why isn't every 13th unlucky by those standards?  Why single out poor Friday?  Friday, the end of most peoples work week, the end of the school week, the day that ushers in the weekend!  I mean really, let's think about this for a moment.  I would dread it a lot more if it were Monday the 13th.  Doesn't that sound scarier?  Hey, if your Friday is awful, who cares it is the weekend next.  You are done and can relax.  But to have a bad Monday, oh Heaven help me!  A bad Monday means there are still 4 more days left of the week that you have to stumble through.  I could care less about Friday the 13th.  It's just another day as far as I'm concerned.  But if ever the theory extends to a Monday, I might be more hesitant about taking part in THAT day.  Lesson to be learned:  Mondays are waaaaaay scarier than Fridays!  :0)

Ft Hood and my kids

Yesterday as we drove to school I started talking to my 7 yr old about Veteren's Day coming up on Wed.  We discussed what a veteren is and who we know who is a veteren and why we are thankful to them.  It was a pleasant and fairly uneventful conversation.  The one that followed though rocked me.

When we arrived at school the boys noticed the flag was half mast.  My children know what a half mast flag means, they have for over a year.  So the 4 yr old asks, "Mommy, why is that flag part way down?"  I replied with what I usually have to say when we see it like that, "Because some soliders died, Honey."  My kids being as observant as they are remembered that the flag was down last week for the same reason and asked, "AGAIN!?"  I replied with, "No, guys, this is for the same soliders as last week."  Again my boys are super observant and they know that usually when I answer that the flag is half mast because a solider died, the flag is usually flying regular the next day.  I watched them starting to process it while we waited  for our turn in the school drop off line.  Suddenly my 7 yr old asks, "Did they die in Afganistan or Iraq, Mommy?"  Again, I am open and honest with my kids about the WONDERFUL AND AMAZING AND SACRIFICAL job that our military does.  We don't personally know anyone in Afganistan but we know of people there like a friends husband and another friends step son and my cousin is stationed in Iraq.  We pray for them regularly and so the boys, particularly the 7 yr old is aware of the danger and the job.   But back to my story.

After thinking for a moment if it was too much to share I answered his question.  "No, Son, they died here in America on a military base in Texas."  Quiet filled my car and then the question that rocked my day,  "Mom, how did they die?"  Thoughts flooded my mind as I quickly processed if I should answer that or not.  Finally I said as tears welled up in my eyes, "Um, another solider killed them."  The 7 yr old looked sad and slightly confused, the 4 yr old gasped loudly and said, "Was it a bad guy, Mom?"  At this point we are the next car in line for drop off so I told my kids that I wanted to answer their questions but I wanted to give them the time and attention that they deserved for it so I promised them that I would answer any questions they had to the best of my ability after school.  My oldest got out and walked into school and I said a silent prayer that God would give me wisdom to know what to share.

The rest of the day was uneventful.  The 4 yr old completely forgot the mornings conversation and never brought it up again.  I was shocked however when we pulled up at the school to pick up in the afternoon and my 2 yr old pointed to the flag and said, "Oh no!  Solider die, Mommy.  Sad."  I thought for sure the 4 yr old would immediately pounce on that comment and start rattling off questions again but he didn't.  No one mentioned it all evening long.  I kinda thought that they had maybe forgotten.  While I do think it is important to answer their questions, I also don't think that I need to direct their attention to it either, so I waited and said nothing. 

Evening comes, I got the 2 yr old to bed with no issue, then got the 4 yr old to bed with no issue.  As I think I'm about to get the 7 yr old to bed with no issue, he climbs up in my lap and says, "Mom, did that solider who killed the other soliders do it on purpose or on accident?"  Deep breath, quick prayer and then I answered, "It was on purpose." More thinking and a very concerned look and he asks, "But why?  Why would one solider kill another solider?  Why did he do that?"  The best way I could think to explain was to tell him that the solider was sick in his brain and he finally snapped and went crazy.  The conclusion my son came to amazed me.  He said, "Mom, I think that maybe he had been to another war and his brain got sick there and he was afraid to go to war again."  How is it that my 7 yr old got that when few adults do?!?  Now granted his was a rather imaginative way that the guys brain got sick, something along the lines of a bug crawling into his brain and laying eggs or something like that, but nonetheless, he got the concept. 

The conversation ended with me telling him that there are more good people in the world than bad people.  Yes there are bad people and people who do bad things but there are many more good people than bad people.  He got very excited at this news and told me that means that the good guys will always win the wars if there are more good guys than bad.  While not completely true, I loved his little boy logic!  We discussed once again that God is good even when life is bad and then he went to bed with absolutely no issues.

As a mom, I so wanted to shield him from it all.  I wanted to pretend that it never happened so that he wouldn't need to worry about it.  I know though that burying my head in the sand will not make their questions go away.  They are going to hear bits and pieces and I cannot possibly shield them from everything.  Since I cannot shield them, I want them to get the information from me, told with grace and compassion rather than from the newscast or school.  It was a difficult conversation, much more so for me than for my sons, but it was needed and important to them.  Sometimes it sucks to know that I need to answer their questions to the best of my ability and in an age appropriate manner.  Sometimes it sucks to feel so strongly unanswered questions don't go away, they just get bigger.  And sometimes it sucks to have to tell my children hard truths.  Thankfully I survived this one!  Prayerfully, I'll survive the next one!

WHAM

Have you ever had something emotionally smack you upside the head?  Soemthing that you had no idea was lurking around the corner and then BOOM it knocks you over?  I had that happen last week.  My darling husband brought up a movie that is now 15 years old.  Should have been a safe bet, right?  I mean we have watched that movie several times together and it isn't the movie itself that makes me feel icky.  But when Hubby mentioned that it has been 15 yrs since it was in the theater, the wham hit me.  I remember the night I saw it.  I remember the friend I saw it with.  And most importantly and uncomfortably I remember WHY I went to see it. I went to see it because I had been told it was a bit of a tear jerker and I desperately needed to cry that night.  The movie did not move me to tears as I had hoped it would that night.  It was ok, you see, if I cried over a movie, a work of fiction, but for some reason I couldn't let myself cry over the circumstances in my life that were bringing me such pain.  I went through counseling a few years later but when this one came up, I mentioned it very briefly and in as little detail as possible.  I diverted everything a different direction but I didn't realize that I had done it.  I haven't thought about it much over the last 15 yrs that have passed and I guess I thought I had come to a reconciliation (for lack of a better word) in my heart toward the situation.  wham, I guess I was wrong!  The emotions hit me so hard, that for a moment I felt as though I couldn't breathe.  I have spent the last couple of days pondering this and what I need to do next.  Tonight I read my friends blog (which you can read by clicking here) and it brought me to tears because it is exactly where I am now.  I find peace in the arms of my Father and yet I still feel the pain of this situation when I am directed towards it.  I don't feel angry or bitter towards the people involved; does that mean that there has indeed been some reconciliation in my heart?  Years ago the memory of this prompted anger that those of you who know me would find it difficult to fathom of me.  Yet now it doesn't prompt anger, just hurt and discomfort.  As I type this I realize that the hurt isn't what it was.  There has been some healing there.  Now I need to hand this to the Father and let Him work in my heart and bring the healing and wholeness that He desires.  I don't think it sounds as difficult as it did when I first started writing.  He is faithful and He is good!