Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have one single greatest fear in my life. It's not spiders or heights, though I'm not fond of either. It's not even speaking in front of people, another thing I'm not fond of. My single greatest fear is losing my husband. I know for some it is not being able to care for themselves, some it's not having enough money, some it is losing a child. All of those are things that intimidate me but none terrify me the way that not having my best friend, my soul mate, my lover, my partner by my side for this crazy journey of life. Hubby is the most amazing friend I've ever had, the most wonderful man I've ever met and most definitely the other half of me.
So, hopefully that will shed some insight into my emotions as I share the events of the last week. Early last week we had a rather stressful situation at our house which resulted in me taking Hubby to the E.R. He was experiencing shortness of breath, heart palpitations, dizziness and a bit of chest tightness. I'm no fool, I insisted he go get it looked at immediately. There is history of heart problems in his family. Every man on his side of the family has had some form of heart trouble from high blood pressure to high cholesterol to heart attacks and bypass surgeries. I was more terrified than I can remember feeling in a long time. When he argued that he was feeling better and didn't need to go, I informed him that I am WAAAAAAAAAY to young to be a widow and he's going to the hospital.
The hospital ran an EKG, X-rays, and blood work before sending Hubby home and referring him to be seen by a cardiologist within 48 hrs. I was too exhausted to think by the time we got home at 1:20 AM and I collapsed into bed. The next day however, I had time to start thinking and processing. The fear hit me like a ton of bricks. Then the Word of God also hit me, but in a much gentler, sweeter way =). "Who of you by worrying, can add a single hour to [her husbands] life?" (To my Bible purist friends, forgive me for changing the words there, but it was how I knew the Lord was saying it to my heart.)
I was convicted. My worrying was accomplishing nothing and will certainly not prolong my life or my husbands life. It was time to pull out my Bible and read the rest of the text. In a later verse it says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Hmmmm, tomorrow will have tomorrow's troubles. Today has today's troubles. Hmmmm, interesting. Tomorrow will come and will go. I will not bring it here sooner by worrying nor will I strip it of it's troubles by worrying about them today. The only thing I will accomplish is losing hours of my own life lost in worry rather than joy.
Almost simultaneously my brain started reminding me of Lamentations 3:24, "I say to myself, the Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for Him." Um, ok. How does that tie into worry? Ok, let's look that one up too. I also found Psalm 73:26 which says, "My heart and flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Portion. The Lord is my portion. What does that mean? According to the notes in my study Bible it means that He is the "sustainer and preserver of life." It is the who Lord sustains me, not my husband. It is the Lord who gives my heart strength. Even when my body fails, the Lord is my sustainer and preserver.
At the end of this, I had to come to this conclusion. I completely trust the Lord with my children. I completely trust Him with me, with our finances, with our needs. I know that He is still good even when life isn't and if any one of the things I listed were to fail or be lost, I know that He will sustain me physically, emotionally and spiritually. But do I trust that He would still care for me and my boys if He were to decide that Hubby's days here on earth were done? Do I trust that He would care for my physical needs? Of course. Much harder, do I trust that He would bring someone into my sons lives to help guide them to godly manhood? Do I trust that He would fill the emotional void that would rock my world if Hubby were not here to be the first person I tell when I've heard a good joke, the first person I go to when I've had a rough day, the first person I want to see in the morning and the last person I want to see at night?
The answer is yes. Yes, I do believe that the Lord is my portion. I do believe that He has a plan and a purpose for my life and the lives of those around me. I do believe that He is big enough to fill the void if the number of Hubby's days were to be over soon. And I do believe that He is good. I expect to have many, many more days filled with enjoying the love of my life. I am not in any way saying, "Ok, God, since I know I trust you, you can take him tonight." I am saying however, that just as I had to come to a place where I realized that I trust God with my children, I also had to come to a point that I realize that I trust Him with my husband as well.
And since I have realized that I trust God with my husband, I have slept much more peacefully! I will save tomorrow's troubles for tomorrow and let tomorrow worry about itself. I'm going to enjoy every moment that I have with my family because worry only robs me of the joy of the time I spend with them.