the very ugly truth

Ok, so this one turned out to be pretty long. I wrote this to figure things out in my own head and I'm not even sure yet why I am posting it, but I am going to anyway. So prepare yourself for the ugly truth about my internal battle..........
I don’t know if I am writing for myself or writing to share yet. Today I will write and analyze later. I have an inward battle going on. My clothes are fitting loosely but I refuse to step on the scale. I refuse because I think I may like what the numbers say. That sounds a bit crazy, I know. Most people LOVE to see the numbers on the scale drop. I am no exception to this but I have different circumstances. First of all, the numbers have not been dropping because I am being so diligent about exercising and eating well. The numbers are dropping because of stress and not eating as well as I should. The other reason I refuse to see what the numbers say is very personal for me. See for many years I struggled with anorexia. I have been healthy for a number of years now but I am also aware of how easy a relapse is because I have also experienced that. I’m afraid that if the numbers tell me something that I like that it will be easy to continue to not take care of myself. My husband would be so angry if he heard me say this, my not taking good enough care of myself is completely rooted in fear. Money is tight, really, really tight right now. I feel guilty every time I eat anything more than a pb&j. I haven’t been eating enough to get good and full for about a week now, with the exception of the sandwich I had the night Hubby had surgery and the sandwich my mom-in-law made for me the following day. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty and I’m not writing this to play on sympathy or to gather advice about my eating habits. I am writing to figure things out in my own heart, to gain clarity and if I share it, I will let it all hang out with brutal honesty. If I skip breakfast, there will be plenty of milk for my husband to have cereal and my kids to have morning milk. Then comes lunch, I make the kids food and give them the fruit and veggies. After all, they need the nutrition and the good eating habits formed early in life. I eat something small late in the afternoon, and that has been because my head hurts and I suddenly realize that I have still not eaten for the day. Dinner has been anything super easy right now. I just don’t have the energy to referee my kids and try to make a meal and care for my post-op husband. Therefore, dinner is a pb&j, or a can of soup, or if we have enough milk, a bowl of cereal.

Today the Lord showed me that my feeling guilty about eating is telling Him that I don’t trust Him to take care of me. He has always provided for us, we have never gone hungry or without clothes or shelter. I have never ever feared that God would not take care of me or my family. Why now? I have had unbelievable faith, and have seen God provide in amazing ways. I have no doubt that He cares enough for me and for my family to provide for our basic needs. Yet this week I fear. I have tried to dethrone my Savior and take control myself. I can see no way out so I don’t give Him opportunity to move in my life because it seems impossible to me. The Holy Spirit has gently chided me and is reminding me that my God is much bigger than my circumstances. As I worry He reminds me of Matthew 6:25-34. "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life. And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I also now in my head hear my best friend and my husband reminding me that I need to put on my oxygen mask. My best friend and I often remind each other of the safety speech given on an airplane before take off. If there is a drop in cabin pressure and the masks drop out, you are instructed to put your own mask on first before helping others with theirs, this includes putting your mask on before putting a mask on your child. You aren’t really much help to anyone if you pass out because you didn’t take care of your needs. I know that I am a much better wife, mommy, friend and woman when I take the time to take care of me but in the midst of taking care of everyone else I sometimes forget that my oxygen mask is vitally important.

Father, forgive me for once again thinking that my ways are better than yours. Forgive me for worrying and doubting in your faithfulness. Forgive me for hurting myself, this beautiful temple that you have given me, and for allowing my doubts to keep me from seeking your face. I surrender my fear, doubt, insecurity and hurt to you. I will allow you to be God and stop trying to take you off your throne. I trust you and I know that you are "faithful to all your promises and loving toward all you have made." Thank you that your mercys are new every morning, great is your faithfulness unto me, O Lord.

thoughts from the brink of exhaustion

I can always tell when I am exhausted or when my thyroid is messed up again. I find myself dwelling on things that I normally don't. Today I can check off both causes.  Hubby had emergency surgery this week. Needless to say I am both physically and emotionally exhausted. And I have missed the last several nights of my thyroid medication because I was out and things were so crazy that I didn't get it refilled until today. At least I can pinpoint the reason for my feelings but that does not change that they are there. Here is what my mind processes when I am in the before said state. I am lonely. How can I possibly be lonely when I have a ton of wonderful friends, an absolutely amazing hubby, kids who adore me, fabulous parents and parents-in-law both nearby? For some reason when I get to this point I start to analyze if my friends actually like me or just tolerate me. For some reason when I get to this point I feel as if I must be superwoman and must do everything alone without help. For some reason when I get to this point I fear my husband dying and having to tackle this crazy parenting journey without the love and support of the most important person in my life. I start to over analyze everything. I guess it is my weakness. Yet as I type that it is my weakness, I hear "In my weakness, He is made strong." I do not have the strength in myself to handle everything on my plate right now. Maybe that is the point though. If I could do it in my strength, then why would I need God? If my strength was enough, if I could manage everything alone without help, would I really turn to God? I am overly aware of my own shortcomings, but thankfully my Father covers over them with His love and grace. Tonight before I fall asleep, I am thankful that "tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet" and I am grateful that His mercys are new every morning, great is His faithfulness. Thankfully even when I try to take my life out of His hands and handle it on my own, He still carries me through!
"Every day I look to you to be the strength of my life. You're the hope I hold on to to be the strength of my life."

come to me

"How are you doing?" the words came through the telephone. My response, "I'm good, just tired." Tired doesn't exactly cover it, physically and emotionally exhausted would be a little more accurate. It has been a rough few days. My husband hurt his back and has been pretty well incapacitated all weekend long. The kids unintentionally keep bumping his chair or the bed which sends him to extreme pain. I've been trying to keep them as much as possible from rough housing, climbing on Superman (aka Dad), or just bumping into him. It has been a daunting task. My children came pre-wired with a 6th sense that alerts them to a parent not functioning 100%. They go into "attack mode" when this happens, kinda like a shark to blood. It always happens when one of us is physically or emotionally struggling and my kids become savages. Today alone, I have had the jug of green juice spilled on my bathroom floor, apple juice poured on my kitchen floor, 1 1/2 lbs of strawberries dumped out on the floor and bites out of nearly half of them, "Mom, my brother just peed on my bed!", and "Please keep the underwear on your tushy, no one wants to see your potty part!" Not to mention that my kids have decided that 3 kids is too many so they are trying to decrease our ranks by killing each other. I think that "tired" was actually a kind adjective to use. My friend hears my kids screaming in the background and asks me if she can bring them to her house for a couple of hours so I can have a break. Now that defines a friend! I jumped at the chance and my house is actually quiet as I type. The moment she arrived to pick them up Matthew 11:28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" starts going through my mind. What an amazing offer! Weary, that describes me right now. Burdened, yep, that one covers me as well. I feel as though I have been through a battle zone. Here I was in the middle of chaos trying to figure out what more I could do when what I really needed to do is come to my Father and He will give me rest. In the craziness of it all I forgot that He even cares about my rest. I've been do do doing, caring for my family, and all that entails, but I have forgotten the most important part, to come to Him. I sometimes forget that I matter as much to God as my family does. I know that He cares for my family even more than I do, but I get so busy that I forget to allow Him to care for me as well. Today my heavenly Father cared for me through a friends kindness. The funny thing is that I did come to Him, I had just forgotten by the time my friend called. This morning while crying and moping up green juice I prayed, "Jesus, help me. I can't do this by myself today." He sent me an angel in the form of a friend who helped me to rest and gain perspective. What an amazing God we serve that He cares about even the smallest details.

there, their, and they're

Yes, I do know the difference though my last blog implies otherwise!

like a child?

Today has been a crazy day in our household. For some reason today the kids bickered more than usual, tried to beat each other to a pulp more than usual, and talked extremely louder than usual! Every request was made by yelling several decibels louder than actually necessary and my patience as a mom was sorely tested. As we put our kids to bed, still squabbling at each other, I had a thought that made me laugh. After the older boys were in there room, I looked at my husband and said, "What exactly do you think that it means to come to God as children?" We both laughed but I realize how often I really do. How often do I go to God the way my children came to me today? "Mom! He hit me!" "Mom! He destroyed my bed!" "Mom he won't leave me alone!" "Mom! He is still touching me!" "Mom! He made the mess not me! I don't have to clean it up do I?" Those of you who are parents know these days. God knows them too. I have this week alone come to Him several times, "God, my feelings are hurt! God I was wronged, can you make it right? God I didn't make this mess, don't hold me accountable for it!" And yet, He still loves me and still cares for me. Though I won't deny that I got frustrated with my kids, I never said, "Don't tell me anymore!" God doesn't turn us away either, even when childlike is more in our behavior than in our faith. Thank God that even when I behave like my children did today, He still loves me and cares for me!

keep walking

I feel slightly torn. The Lord has been "nudging" me for a few months now. Originally I pushed the nudging to the side, I didn't realize that it was HIM nudging. Now it has been hitting me more frequently and much more distinctively. "It's time to move on." These are words that I severely dislike. Background on that, we moved around a lot when I was a kid. Nope, not military, just moved a lot. Every time I felt like I was getting settled in, we would change houses or schools once again. There was a lot of uprooting and then having to go through the process of settling in once again. So, understandably, hearing the Lord say "it's time to move on" is not my idea of fun. I like where I am, I don't really want to leave. I have also tried pushing the nudging aside thinking that maybe my discontentment may be coming from a different source. Maybe I need to get some things in line in my own heart, maybe discontentment is God telling me that I need more of Him and less of me?

I had a high school reunion this weekend. (Not a tangent, I swear! Give me a minute and you'll see where I am going.) My husband and I sat with an old friend and his wife. This friend is now a pastor of a VERY small church starting out. We thoroughly enjoyed every minute of the reunion and especially the company at our table. In the car on the way home, I felt the nudging stronger than I had up to this point. Ok, God, I'm going to say it and see what my hubby thinks. After all, he IS the spiritual head of our house. If he says that I am way off base then I will honor what he says. So I jump right into it. "Honey, I have been feeling this for a couple of months now and so I want to hear your thoughts on it. I think God is leading us to a new church home." Breath held, what will he say? My husband simply agreed. He has been feeling the nudging too. He also has been wondering if he was hearing the Lord or just feeling discontent. Then I asked, "Do you want to check out Ryan's church sometime?" My husband says he was about to say those very words. Ok, now it is getting weird, God weird, but nonetheless, weird!

So here is the part that is hard for me about this whole thing. I LOVE our church! Our pastor is wonderful, I really like the teachings and the way our church takes loving people and winning our city for Christ seriously. I have made some amazing friends and have found "extended family". I am excited about our church's vision and direction. In my human mind, there is no earthly reason to leave. That's just it, no earthly reason so it must be a heavenly reason right? I know He has a plan though I'm not entirely certain what it is.

Because God knows me so well as to know that confirmation from my hubby would help but not be enough to completely seal the deal for me, He gave me other confirmation as well. The very next morning I was reading (in a random spot of the Bible, no less!) Genesis 12. The first 2 verses of the chapter are what caught me the most, " 1 The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.
2 "I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing." WOW! Now you need to know that the cry of my heart is to be a blessing. I want God to use me, I want His best, not my best.

So, my husband and I are doing what Abram did. We are packing up our bags and walking to an unknown destination. We will stop when we hear the still small voice show us the place that He wants us. I don't know if we will stop at Ryan's church or if the Lord will ask us to keep walking. I don't know what this looks like, but I know that God's hand is at the center of it. Though I am bummed to be leaving wonderful things behind, I am excited to see what God has in store for our lives. I am not leaving my MOPS group. I am actually getting more involved with that and I feel peace about it. My kids are a little nervous, this is the only church they have ever really known. I know though that obedience brings much greater reward and I trust that the Lord's plan for us is good. It could be an interesting journey though!

clean sweep

Have you ever seen that show Clean Sweep on TLC? The premise of the show is people who have allowed years of clutter to overtake their homes get professional help to organize it all. The most intersting part to me is when Peter makes them take everything out of the rooms and make piles on the lawn of what is a must keep, what is trash, and what is garage sale. I watch in amazement as these people struggle against themselves, their spouses or Peter as to which things they need. As they make the piles, they see things that have been maybe buried under clutter for so long that it has been forgotten about. Well, that describes my brain right now. I have so much going on in my head that I feel the need to pull everything out and separate it just so I can think straight! I've joined mainstream America in blogging so that I can give my brain a "Clean Sweep." I may at times seem to have the ramblings of a madwoman, but it will in the long run hopefully make sense. Maybe it will make sense, maybe it won't to you the reader, but I am convinced that at least I will be able to make sense of my piles of thoughts by the time I am through! So join me on my adventure of cleaning out my brain. I'm sure I'll make you laugh, I'll probably make you cry at times, and I hope I make you think and ponder at other times. On that note, off we go........