only in Colorado

Tuesday night at midnight we were under winter storm warning.  While the warning didn't start till midnight, the snow started early in the evening and by 9:30 it was starting to cover the grass.  Wednesday morning I awoke to more snow and no school.  Thursday it continued to dump snow on us.  It was roughly a foot and a half of snow in 2 days.  Then today, school was back in session.  The main roads at 7:30 am were wet but not bad.  The side roads were a little slick still though.  The sun was shining and by 11:30 am I had shed my coat and was comfortable in my long sleeve tee shirt.  I even cracked the windows on the way home from the grocery store (the high was high 40's today).  By the time I left to get Will from school the snow was completely melted from my driveway and probably 10 inches or less left on my grass.  Only in Colorado can we have a dumping of well over a foot of snow for 2 whole days and then the next day it is beautiful and halfway melted!!!!!!!  So we may not get a true fall but we do get 60 degree days in January sometimes so I guess I'll concede that it balances out.  The boys loved the snow and 2 days of no school.  I love that it is melting quickley so that driving will not stay messy for long!

sleep where for art thou?

It is nearly 2 am and I am awake blogging.  I'm exhausted, but here I sit on my computer.  I should be in bed.  I have to wake up in just over 4 hrs.  The thought of how tired and coffee dependent I will be tomorrow is torturous and should have driven me to the comfort of my warm bed hours ago.  Yet here I am, once again avoiding sleep.  Back in the day I used to avoid sleep too, but for a different reason.  Then I had horrific nightmares that happened more often than not.  They were terrifying and I would wake up crying and shaking and sometimes screaming.  The nightmares finally stopped about a year after I got married and I slept like I had never slept before.  Then I had kids.  No nightmares, just late night feedings and middle of the night feedings.  They finally learned to sleep through the night and once again I slept beautifully.  I refuse to say I slept like a baby.  For anyone who has ever been awake every 2 hrs to feed a newborn, you understand my aversion to this statement.  Baby's DON'T sleep that wonderfully!!!!!!!!  So  over the last 10 months or so, I find myself avoiding sleep again.  I'm sure that some part of it is that when everyone else is in bed, I finally get to take off the mom and wife hat and let myself be Dawn.  I love sitting in the quiet of my house when I am responsible for no needs.  So on one hand, I do enjoy talking to long lost friends on facebook, reading everyone's blogs and writing in my own blog.  On the other hand, my eyes are drooping pretty badly right about now and I'm wondering what I'm still doing awake.  Why am I dreading going to sleep?  I need to be in bed before Hubby's alarm goes off at 2:20.  I'll get scolded if I'm not.  I have so much on my mind.  I cannot think and process it all during the busy daylight hours and so that leaves only these late night hours to process everything my brain is thinking.  I think I hear Hubby's footsteps overhead, I may already be in trouble.  It has been a rough couple of months. I am feeling like I can tackle life again but I just need to absorb everything that I've not had the emotional or physical energy to process these past couple of months.  How do I do that?  I am finding myself hungry for soul friendships.  I have several so it's not that I am looking for new ones.  It is just that I am craving that time with friends who know me to my core and don't judge me and who encourage me.  And I want that time when I don't have to separate 3 boys fighting, or deal with poor attitudes or make dinner or change a pullup or make someone pick up some mess, or in our house I hear myself say a little too often "Flush the toilet and put the seat back down!"   I want that quality time with a kindred spirit that does not involve my whole family of 5.  So I find myself here.  I read blogs of people dear to me and feel like I am a part of their lives even though I know they have no idea I read their blogs.  Tonight I discovered that some read my blog as well for a sense of belonging in my life and I also never knew.  So we still know so much about one another, feel like years or miles never separated us, feel like we can still hold each others hearts, and yet neither one knows that the other feels the same way.  It's a lonely way to have dear friends!  How is it possible that I have 2 friends that I talked to today who I think about and pray for regularly, we were really close years ago and now live really far away, but today is the first time in ages that I have actually verbalized how much I love them?  I can barely believe that all 3 of us have allowed ourselves to get lonely while loving and praying for the other!  The problem is communication.  I feel those things but have I said them?  Unfortunately the answer is no!  I am completely blessed and fulfilled by my time with the Lord.  I know that I am growing in my walk.  But even Jesus had his friends who supported Him and encouraged Him.  He had 12 but only 3 were soul friends.  Twelve men surrounded Him, three guarded His heart.  Today I found myself longing for the three.  And this evening I found it chatting on facebook.  It was like balm to my soul to talk with my friend.  We talked mostly about what's going on in her life, her struggles.  But still it blessed me, I felt that closeness that we once shared.  I knew that our friendship is still strong even though years and miles separate us.  I think I needed to write this just to remind myself that it is ok to need people.  Even Jesus, God's own son, needed more than time with the Father, he also needed companionship.  I didn't know when I started this where I was going with it, just knew I needed to vent.  Now I know what I needed to figure out.  I need friends,  some who are fun and silly and you have a great time when you're together, some who will kick my butt when needed, some who will cry with me, some who will encourage and support me, and some who will allow me to be all of those same things to them!  And there is no shame or guilt in needing others.  God designed us that way and delights in how he made us! 

the land of the living

My mind is flooded with thought right now.  I thought about getting on facebook but realized that I would be updating my status every minute just to say it all!  I finally feel like I am joining the land of the living again.  Last week I had a sinus infection, the week before was swine flu, and the 2 weeks before Hubby was sick.  So October has been a blur of cough syrup, motrin, elderberry syrup, antibiotics, raging fevers, sudefed and a cough that just won't leave.  September was a blur of raw emotions.  September I talked to very few friends, it was a really rough emotional month and I went into survival mode.  It was also a month of serious financial burdens, some that nearly pushed us over the brink of the mountain.  August was busy!  We had a vacation with my parents and started school back up just days after returning.  I feel as though I have been on auto pilot for 3 months now!  This week though, I feel like I have finally rejoined the land of the living!  Today after dropping W off at school, the younger kids and I drove to Parker to spend Hubby's lunch break with him at work.  It was a delightful and refreshing morning.  We went from there to a lovely friends house for coffee and lunch.  I haven't had a chance to connect with this friend for a couple of months and last year we saw each other at least once a week.  It was needed time just enjoying each others company.  We actually chatted until it was time to go pick W up from school.

It is interesting to me how going into survival/fight or flight mode, changes everything you do.  I'm really grateful for the understanding of all the people I've neglected over the past months.  It hasn't been intentional, just circumstantial.  If you are one of the people I've neglected, please accept my apology.  I was struggling so desperately to hold on to me that I didn't put forth the effort to hold on to you!

So, along the lines of other thoughts..........   My husband looks at me so proudly and in love when he hears me discuss sports.  It is kinda funny, but also enjoyable.  Football in particular.  I corrected the announcer on Sunday while watching the Vikings/Steelers game.  Hubby beamed at me and commented that he loves that I can actually legitimately correct the announcers.  Who knew that being able to follow a football game and watching Yankee's playoffs with my sweetie would bring the adoration factor???????  You should see the look I get when discussing this one:  This season, Jay Cutler = 11 TDs, 10 int,  Kyle Orton = 9 TDs and only 1 int.  I personally prefer the guy who is consistent but not flashy.  Cutler's flashy has lost us too many games!  I'm pretty sure that I saw drool slipping out of Hubby's mouth at this point!  ;)

We just had parent teacher conferences last week for W.  As always, we received a spectacular review.  I wonder why his teachers can never ever picture him refusing to get his belt on for school.  In class he is such a great kid.  I wish he was as excited at home to get ready for school in a timely manner or do his homework in a timely manner as he is to learn when he finally reaches school.  I guess it is the headache of most parents but still..........

Last week I saw W's best friend.  Bailey came up to me and very excitedly told me, " Guess what?  I had H1N1 and LIVED!"  I informed him that I had also and gave him a big high five.  It was the highlight of my day that day.  The next day though I felt bad for him when his mom told me that Bailey actually thought he was going to die when the doctor gave the diagnosis.  Poor little guy was crying and asking if he was going to die.  The doctor confirmed what every other medical person I know has said, it sucks and it is not any worse than seasonal flu.  The doctor, in his great wisdom, told Bailey that he was a healthy little boy and would most definitely live.  He told him what to expect, a fever for a few days and not feeling very good and then back to his wonderful boisterous self.  I am grateful that the doctor in urgent care had enough sense to not feed this little boys fears but rather to encourage him and his mom!

The H1N1 and lived story happened on the same day as this conversation between Bailey and W.  They both (and Bailey's big sister as well)  wanted Friday to be their day for hot lunch.  W only gets it once a week.  It was to be sub day on Friday and the boys wanted subs.  The reason, "I love sub day, you get seconds!"  Bailey's older sister confirms this and my friend and I laugh hysterically at the logic of boys.  It isn't bc that sounds best, it is all about how many servings you can get!  True boys!

I think that my growing less coherent by the minute thoughts are soon about to start rambling.  Besides, the dryer should be close to done with the work/school clothes so that I can sleep!  I keep trying to decide if it is time to share yet what the Lord has been working on in me over the last several months.  It's not bc it is super personal, more that it is a lot of typing and explaining.  Maybe next time?   I know, I'm a tease, but it is late and I'm tired!

THAT mom

Today in the grocery store, I became "that" mom.  She is the mom that before I had children of my own I critcized fiercely.  She is the mom that you are sure you could easily parent better than and secretly wonder why God decided to grace her with children.  Do you know her?  Well, today she and I were the same.  With the older two in school, I decided to take a quick trip with just my 2 yr old to the grocery store.  He has recently decided that he really doesn't like sitting in the front part where he is supposed to sit and he insisted that he wanted to sit in the cart.  This morning he was so dang cute when he said please and I was so dang tired from him trying to take over my bed twice last night that I agreed.  He knows the rule, you have to stay on your bottom or you have to ride in the front with a seatbelt.  Starting out he did a FABULOUS job.  I didn't have to remind him at all.  I was starting to think that maybe he is getting big enough like his brothers to sit there with no problems, but I was wrong!  I reached for a box of cereal and as I did, he did the same and went tumbling head first out of the cart.  We were right up against the aisle so he hit the cereal lined shelf mostly and then I caught him right before he crashed into the floor.  Of course he is screaming, I'm comforting and three old people are GLARING at me.  Isn't it odd how you barely see anyone in the store until you have something happen that you wish no one had seen?  The old man next to me who had originally been talking to us, telling me how cute JJ is, now wouldn't say a word but instead just kept staring at me like, "How could you let that happen?  Why on earth wasn't he in the front where he belongs?"  And at the exact second that JJ fell, another older man walked into the aisle and and old woman stopped at the end of the aisle.  They all stared and you could almost hear their contempt for me as a mother.  I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide forever!  JJ is fine.  He has a bump on his forehead and one on the bridge of his nose, but otherwise unharmed and his normal happy 2 yr old self.  When I relayed the story to Hubby, he made me feel better in such a silly way.  He asked, "Did you say it was all old people giving you dirty looks?  I wish they would have said something so that you could have responded with, 'Hey, you let your kids ride around in the back of pickup trucks and didn't seem to think it was going to hurt them!' "  I laughed when he said it but it is true.  We didn't have carseats when we were kids, we didn't always wear seatbelts, we rode our bikes without helmets, ate butter, drank Kool-aid, and played tag in the street, and yet we all lived!  Yeah, probably shouldn't have let him sit in the back, not the safest thing I've done this week, but I did and he is ok now.  I think it scared me more than him and in all honesty, he is less traumatized by it all than I am!  And so, for those of you who would never dream of letting your child be that reckless, or for those of you who are now convinced that if you had kids, you would do a much better job of keeping them safe, I say this, I shouldn't have let him ride in the back, but it wasn't a mistake that God graced me with my children!  I'm not perfect, but I love my kids a whole lot even when I do dumb things like let a 2 yr old ride in the back of the cart.  :)

my overactive brain

I have a lot on my mind.  Not particularly bad or good, just lots of stuff.  Like for instance, how do I get my blog to not automatically upload to facebook?  I'd rather link it there myself, then it would show up under links instead of notes. And how do I get my spell check back on my blog instead of word strike?  I don't like typos and don't want to see them on my blog. Plus there is a fair amount of words that I regularly misspell that you the reader would have no idea thanks to spell check!  See, not glamorous, just on my mind. 

Other things like, why is my first grade son doing homework for nearly 2 hrs at least once a week?  Will the day ever come that he does not reverse his s,b,d,7, or 3??????  And on that note, how much of what he tells me from school actually happens?  Today while he was climbing in at pick up time, his teacher opened the door and was telling me something.  I asked her a question and she looked at W rather quizzically and asked, "Where in your amazing imagination do you come up with these stories you are telling your mom?"  So, did he really get a cookie from Mr. Victor the lunchroom guy on his birthday? Very possibly.  Did everyone really get one?  Doubt it.  Does the mom of one of his friends who occasionally helps in the classroom really sometimes grab a students arm and squeeze very hard often resulting in a red hand for a moment to get them to calm down?  Not sure, but concerning if it is true.   Don't you wish there was a http://www.truthorfiction.com/ for your kids school day?  It would be so easy to weed out the rumor stories right away!

Another school thought, yesterday W's pants split in the crotch during gym class.  He told me he just avoided girls all day because he was embarrassed.  I asked when it happened and the rough answer was right after lunch.  I would have gladly left my "mommy playdate" to bring him new pants.  He was so embarrassed!  He said that his teachers thought his pants would be fine until school let out so they didn't call me.  Again, I'd like to hear the whole story.  Did it happen with only an hour or less of school left and they didn't see it being worth the trip?  Odd little tidbits that don't exactly make 2+2=4. 

On Friday he hit his best friend with a bat.  How do you explain that??????  I mean I wouldn't condone it by any means but I would at least understand it if it was someone he didn't like or even one of his brothers.  That's what siblings seem to do.  But his best friend?  The kid he begs every day to carpool with, the one who W cried when he found out they were in different 1st grade classes?  I'm kinda at a loss.  I mean, W's a pretty good kid for the most part.  Usually his bigger "imperfections" are only completely unleashed when it is just us as a family.  This is abnormal.  So I guess that leads me to the question, what is going on in his little brain?  How can I help him to navigate through it all? 

Though it seems as though I said a lot of negative about W just now, I have to say, I am dang proud of that kid!  He is such an amazing joy, even when he is being a booger.  His school does a "stoplight" form of behavioral chart.  Green = good behavior, yellow = less than great behavior and red = poor behavior/consequence.  Then there is the ever elusive silver.  Silver is reserved for going above and beyond the call of duty at school.  W has always been green, that is, until last Monday.  As his teacher put him in the car on Monday, she told me, "W's planner won't reflect this because it happened at the very end of the day, but he is on silver!  He has the opportunity to be silver all week.  This is also the first time we have ever awarded silver on a Monday!"  W was bursting with pride, so was his mama.     ;-)   He told me in the car that his teachers said that there was someone who had done really great for the past few days and as soon as she said that, he knew it was him.  It was a bit difficult to congratulate him and ask him how he felt about it and not equate pride with the action.  I am always proud of him, not just when he does well in school.  I want to convey that so I make sure when I tell him I'm proud that I tell him I'm proud of his character rather than his actions.  Make sense?  So I told him that I knew he had worked hard to get to silver and that his hard work paid off.  I asked him if he was proud of that accomplishment and reaffirmed that I thought it was great that he had tried so hard and succeeded.  It was much harder to put into practice than I thought it would be.  I let him know how special getting silver was while the whole time focusing on who he is not on what he did.  That is one difficult parenting truth though!  I so wanted to scream from the rooftops how proud I was that my son was the first kid to get silver on Monday.  I think I gave it just the right amount of attention, he seemed to be very pleased with how I handled it.

My blog is getting rather long and I've probably lost the interest of nearly everyone.  I still have thoughts though.  Like for instance, when did my grammar get sub par and my sentences turn into run ons and when did I start beginning sentences with but, and, or so?  I don't think I mind.  I like my writing but I think because I still hear my jr high and high school English teacher, Mrs. Wille,  in my ear telling me that I shouldn't start my sentence that way, it still feels as though I am being naughty!  I know, just revealing my dorkiness to everyone, got it!

I'm also discovering that while I still despise conflict, I handle it much better that I used to.  I have a mental conflict right now.  There are people who I don't understand and sometimes don't want to understand.  I feel like there is a close to even split as to if there will be peace or conflict when we engage. I don't want to have conflict and I find myself stressing about how to talk to those who bring out conflict in me.  Did any of that make sense?

I think I have rambled my thoughts enough for one night.  I don't want to ramble so much that people quit reading the handful of coherent thoughts that I do have. So (see, I just did it again!), I think I'll head off to dreamland, get some rest and have more coherent thoughts tomorrow after I've had coffee!  I may not share them all, but rest assured, I will at least have a few of them throughout the day tomorrow :)

my 10 cent miracle

Last week I decided it was finally time to use that last coffee on my Starbucks card.  The price of my coffee has gone up from $4 to $4.16.  I ordered my coffee and pulled around to the pick up window.  I handed the gal my gift card and told her, "There is $4 left on that card and I'll pay the rest in cash."  As I fiddled around in my wallet, I realized I didn't have 16 cents, I only had 6 cents.  I was annoyed because the only other money in my wallet was a 5 dollar bill that had a different destination than to go towards my coffee.  As I'm thinking that I'm going to have break the 5 for a silly dime, the lady comes back to the window and says, "Honey, there is $4.10 on this card, you only owe me 6 cents."  I handed her my last 6 cents and laughed as I pulled away.  I didn't miscalculate my card amount, I had a receipt right next to the card stating that the remaining balance was 4 dollars even.  Even in the small things, the minute details, He is watching over me.  Through all the huge miracles that the Lord has given us these past few months, this tiny 10 cent miracle was such a HUMONGOUS blessing because I left feeling the Lord's great love and mercy toward me.  He has met every need, even the smallest ones, and I know He will continue to always meet our needs.

giggle shoes

I started this post on Friday Oct 2 but finished it today, Monday Oct 5 so if it seems as though I went from present tense to past tense, it is only because I did! ;-)

This morning, shortly before the sunlight could flood my room and wake me up pleasantly, my mind came to conscienceness to the sounds of some country sound on the radio alarm. As I took mental inventory I realized this, last night Josh did not once try to get into my bed! Wow, a night not interrupted sometime between 1 and 4 by a two yr old who wants my bed instead of his own! My mental inventory continued and brought this to my awareness, my oldest is 7 today. Wow, where did the time go? I got up and started slicing "chocolate bread" (they don't have to know that it is zucchini bread and has no sugar bc I used agave, they think it is a really special treat to have chocolate for breakfast). As I start barking orders of get your school clothes on, change your underware, don't forget to brush your teeth, etc, etc, I walk past my closet and see the tip of one of my giggle shoes poking out and I pause just long enough to look longingly at them and then continue with my morning.

I guess at this point might be a good time to explain why this particular pair of shoes has been dubbed the giggle shoes. Valentines evening this year my husband and I splurged. We had an overnight babysitter, a hotel, and a fancy dinner. I had a beautiful red dress and was secretly lamenting having to wear black shoes with it. My hubby and I were in DSW looking to get him a new pair of dress shoes (it's only been about 10 yrs since he bought a pair!) and I looked longingly at a gorgeous pair of patent red high heels with a peek-a-boo toe. Hubby sees the longing and tells me to get them. Of course I argued, I didn't need to spend that much money on a pair of shoes just to go with one dress. "Do you like them?" he asks. "Of course, I love them, but I don't need them!" He finally gave me no choice in the matter and insisted that I must have them because every woman should have one pair of giggle shoes in her closet. I looked at him with one eyebrow raised and quizzically asked as I'm sure most of you are now, "giggle shoes?" He went on to define giggle shoes as the one pair of shoes that every time you see them it brings a smile to your face and you giggle when you put them on. It's the pair of shoes that makes you feel like a million dollars. Needless to say, there is now a gorgeous pair of patent red high heels with a peek-a-boo toe in my closet! :)

But I digress, now back to the story. So I took my son to school and came home to get ready for MOPS. I walked past my giggle shoes probably 5 times before I asked out loud to absolutely no one, "Is it tacky to wear red heels with blue jeans and hair that hasn't been washed in at least 2, probably 3 days?" I decided that even if it was tacky, I was going to do it simply because they make me happy. I figured I'd walk into MOPS and get several weird looks but it didn't matter because I knew I was walking into MOPS knowing that my husband and my heavenly Father love me more than I can fathom. I decided it was ok even if it was weird because I was walking into MOPS being hugged and touched by an incredible, undeniable, unfathomable, and undeserved love. And you wanna know the funny part? I walked into MOPS to hear so many compliments on my gorgeous shoes. For those of you who are not moms or don't remember what it was like when the kids are still little and there is precious little to call your own, you won't fully understand this statement. But for those of you who are right there in the thick of it with me, I learned this: red high heels do indeed go with blue jeans and hair that hasn't been washed in ? days and that I felt probably the most beautiful I've ever felt wearing them. No one cared that my hair was in need of washing, no one cared that I wasn't in a beautiful gown. Oddly, the experience filled me with hope and encouragement. The people around me who love me don't see the greasy hair and exhausted mommy, they see Cinderella in beautiful shoes. I also realized that I don't see those things in others either. I don't see the faults, I see the beauty in these amazing ladies who are just doing their best to be everything God has called them to be and to be great mommies! Isn't it funny how a simple pair of shoes left me feeling beautiful, refreshed and loved for the rest of the day??????

my baby can read

My dear 4 yr old cracked me up tonight! While older brother was doing homework, Ev came in the kitchen with us and said, "Sorry I got the word cards down." I was a bit confused so I excused myself to the living room to check on the younger two boys. There was a rather impressive pile of "beginning sight words" flash cards on the floor in front of the 2 yr old. Ev (the 4 yr old) says, "Mom, I'm just seeing if our baby can read." He asks JJ what one of the cards says and JJ (the 2 yr old) makes a few strange noises and then looks up proudly and smiles and claps. Ev looks up and says "I was just seeing if our baby can read, Mom. Panently (apparently) not. You know mom, some babies have the oppotunty (opportunity) to read but I guess not ours." He has been seeing the commercials for the "My Baby Can Read" program on tv and our word cards look similar to those used on the commercial. So the 4 yr old (who by the way, also cannot read) is disappointed that his baby brother cannot read because the babies on tv can! I absolutely loved watching the brother moment between the two of them, JJ after all was thrilled that his big brother was teaching him to read! :)